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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
pictish · 22/12/2014 13:21

If I'm wrong about that I apologise, but your reasons for having him stay in instead of attending an annual do seem spurious to me.

DarkHeart · 22/12/2014 13:22

I think you should let him go

ohmychrist · 22/12/2014 13:26

YABU. Don't be so clingy.

notme23 · 22/12/2014 13:36

I don't think YABU to want him to stay but I don't think you should ask him to. This is something he's looking forward to, he hasn't been out for a long time, presumably he's been really supportive to you and will continue to be while you grieve but it might be nice for him to take this one evening at his Christmas party just to relax and enjoy himself. Do you have any other family that can help out - kids go to your in laws for the night, ask them to help out etc?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 13:52

We managed to sort the finance side of things out so dla can be used purely for dcs care although currently we are 'one down' as ds1 dla is not being paid at the moment (due to stop in dec, all forms submitted for renewal in aug but they are so bust decision still not done so until it is renewed we are not getting dla for him which is difficult)

I'm not sure I'd find anyone this short notice to help but I could try, it might help a little I think

OP posts:
Chunderella · 22/12/2014 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MisForMumNotMaid · 22/12/2014 14:38

Could the cannula be changed a day early, whilst your DH is around? (I know nothing of the medical need and frequency, but it just seams a particular stress that may possibly be alieviated)

StackladysMorphicResonator · 22/12/2014 16:24

You poor thing, you sound overwhelmed.

I do think you should allow your DH to go out, however, unless you absolutely cannot cope without him - it's only one night, he's not been out in a long time, and he probably really needs a fun night off from the worry and stress. I know you do too, but stopping him going out will just add to the misery.

That said, if you feel you can't cope and being alone will be destructive to your mental health or your DCs, you should definitely ask him to stay home!

championnibbler · 22/12/2014 16:32

YAB a wee bit U, really.
Let him go out and enjoy his night. Its just one night and it sounds like he could do with it.
Sorry about your nan, very sad at this time of year.
Sorry you're lonely but it is just a few hours he'll be gone.
Can't you manage without him just for 1 night?

notagainffffffffs · 22/12/2014 16:43

Hi hedgehog :) i remember your past threads, sorry this year has been shit for you x I think leave him go and enjoy himself. He has had a tough time too. Not to minimise anything but you can do it, one small thing at a time, pace yourself and before you know it they will be in bed and you'll be curled up on the sofa with hopefully a big bar of chocolate and a glass of wine.
Big unmumsnetty hug

Chunderella · 22/12/2014 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 22/12/2014 17:14

Well, this is the DH who doesn't ever look after all 4 children at once and give hedgehog a break, ever.

This is the DH who goes away on holiday with his family leaving hedgehog one with 4 sick DCs struggling to cope.

So on the one hand I think a night off would do him good, on the other hand I wonder when hedgehog will get a few hours off?

WooWooOwl · 22/12/2014 18:06

YABU.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 18:27

Dh has to be in work the next day so no chance of a rest for me (or him either especially if he does drink as he has to be the normal time although is leaving an hour early as it'll be Xmas eve)

I'm sure it will work out somehow, I just feel a bit fragile and very tired today and worrying I wouldn't manage

OP posts:
maddy68 · 22/12/2014 19:19

You know your being unreasonable.
I'm not beng funny but Im sure he would welcome the few hours away. It's a hard one but honestly I used To have a partner like that It's not healthy for either of you. I really resented my partners perseved neediness albeit justified at times.

Send him off, tell him to have a good time and give yourself a talking too

ilovechristmas1 · 23/12/2014 14:39

i hope he does go

he also has an illness,works and is involved in all dc's care

nothing to stop you going out yourself with a friend for an evening,you said he would not have a issue with it,you can also get away for a bit and enjoy yourself

hedgehog sorry but you sound like a bit of a control freak,going by previous posts

HappyYoni · 23/12/2014 15:55

Yabu, let him go and have fun without making him feel guilty.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:05

We'll, dh went.......

Promised he would be back intime to help with dd2s cannula and sensor change. He didn't turn up.
In the end I called him and he was completely drunk (or worse). He came back foul mouthed and abusive. I have never seen him so hateful. Proceeded to tell me I've been whining and crying about my Dgm and how much he hates me then demanded I leave. Swore at me and called me every name under the sun.

He can barely put two words together now and I'm seriously wondering if this is just drink

OP posts:
maddy68 · 23/12/2014 22:16

He's just drunk and you are very sensitive. Talk to him tomorrow. You won't get any sense out of him now. He's pissed and you are pissed off.

Tbf you have been very posessive and clingy perhaps the power of alcohol allows the tongue to be looser.

Gives you a starting point tomorrow but do not tackle this now you will both lose.

Tomorrow talk like adults

Bowlersarm · 23/12/2014 22:18

maddy is speaking sense. Leave it until tomorrow. You are very angry, he's drunk. Not a good recipe.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2014 22:20

I think you've both been under a lot of stress. Talk tomorrow.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:22

What I'm seeing is not just 'drunk' I have seen dh drink a lot before and have never in 14 years seen him like this. He's a disgrace and a hateful spiteful person.

The lateness I could have coped with, being a bit drunk possibly but the state he's in and the things he has said are disgusting

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 22:23

Yes, talk tomorrow but OP... I can't find the answer in the thread - did your daughter's cannula really need changing today? If so, could it not have been done before he went out?

I think that you have been dreading him going out because you didn't want to be alone tonight - because you didn't want him to go, that's the long and short of it, you didn't want him to go out... Did you have a lot to say when he came in?

Both of you will have to find a way of giving each other a break as it sounds very stressful in your household. Get some sleep, talk tomorrow.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:27

It has to be changed every two days and she was due a sensor cannula change too as it keeps getting infected. Can't do it alone with other dcs as they either need me or play up as I'm trying to do it. He promised yet came back late and in no fit state to look after dcs in any way at all. The language was horrendous it was a full blown attack as soon As he stepped in.
Never seen him like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:27

He didn't come home first he went straight from work at 3pmto the party

OP posts: