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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 23/12/2014 22:53

So sorry that you're both having a rough time OP. The thing is neither of you is fully in the right or wrong for that matter. I'm not saying its all equal, but it is all unfair. You've both been dealt a really tough hand.

Sometimes things shouldn't be talked out. Sometimes things need to be avoided to allow dust to settle. Sometimes the things that you're angry at aren't the issue they're just the quantifiable things that you can argue about. Because the real shit is out of everyones control.

Right now, from the very little I know about your situation, i think that you need each other. Neither of you would be better off alone. Neither of you would really be happier alone. You're both shattered. Emotionally and physically. Life is full of too many compromises, again for you both.

Have you any support from social services? Have you applied/ are you getting direct payments for some support? Have you had a carers assessment to get support?

Do rant as much as you need. You need that. Mumsnet is great for getting it all off your chest.

Take care of yourself, you're going through so much. At some point you'll look back and think 'wow, that was a shit time. I'm a strong person to have got through that'. But right now, in the thick of it, its hard to see just how well you are coping.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:53

I do try, he just says "I'm watching this" so I go on mn. Or worse I will be watching something, he takes the controls and changes to what he wants without saying a word then sits in front of me so I go on here. He hates me

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:56

you to be fair, do we know her husband can't cope or does the op just assume he can't? There is a difference. And if he can't cope, then he needs to learn to.

It's one night. The op said earlier that he never goes out so can we really slate him for wanting to go on a works night out?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:57

Ss couldn't help us. Rubbish about us being in between the children with disabilities team and children in need team so neither would take us on.

Waiting to hear if ds2 widget a funded pre school place due to disability and I'm waiting for a carers assessment but have support from local carers association.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/12/2014 22:58

This husband who buggers off on holiday for 10 days on his own because he needs a break?

I used to have a similar husband... used to have.

When it's your children's health at stake there is no room for behaving like a selfish twat.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:58

Will get (widget?!)

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 23:00

Apologies, I missed in the thread where the op mentioned the holiday? I have read many of her threads but not read that.

MisForMumNotMaid · 23/12/2014 23:03

Do both children in need and children with disabilities come under the same management structure in your borough? They do in mine. Just wondering if a few letters to the right person could help.

ilovechristmas1 · 23/12/2014 23:03

well i guess he has just given you a stick to beat him with forever

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 23/12/2014 23:04

You just don't like him going out, which you admitted on another thread a while ago asking if you were unreasonable to not 'let' him go out.

Sometimes he's fantastic with the kids and a great support to you and sometimes he's a shit dad and partner, depending on which day you're posting.

You seem to lurch from one crisis to another, post on here, and ignore any advice you're given.

He went out on a Christmas do for a few hours, and was home 45 minutes late, and I'll bet you were on his case from 7.30.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 23:06

Yes sw we had said it was all under same thing but in the end she just closed our case, it had been tried three times and we couldn't get the help, sw left her job after that as said she couldn't cope with seeing families in real need left to struggle.she complained to her manager about it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 23:07

I called him at 830 actually having last spoken to him a few hours before

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 23:08

And actually,I do not ignore advice. Have got a lot of good advice from here and have done things like sorted out finances, driving lessons etc and other difficult family relationships so its unfair to say I ignore all advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 23:09

Sometimes he is great with the dcs and then he does something like this.

OP posts:
Allingoodfaith · 23/12/2014 23:14

Can't believe some of the replies on this thread!

hedghog he sounds like a fucking arsehole. Of course he shouldn't have gone. No way would my dp would have left me in the situation you are. Never mind if he is drunk, what he is saying is out of order.

How are you feeling?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 23:17

I feel awful. I feel like there's no end in sight to all of this. So any different things combined have made us miserable.

OP posts:
Allingoodfaith · 23/12/2014 23:19

hedgehog I was in an abusive relationship for four years. It took me so long to leave because it wasn't all screaming and shouting or unreasonable behaviour. Sometimes we actually got on. So you kind of fall back in to thinking...'it's not that bad.

I wrote a daily journal and when I looked back over 12 months I could see in print what a cunt I was with. My dp is a universe away from my ex.

What kind of advice are you looking for on here?

Allingoodfaith · 23/12/2014 23:22

ASk for this to be moved to relationships. You will get much better advice over there.

Many things in life test us but it's those tests that pull you together or pull you apart.

He sounds horrible love.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/12/2014 23:28

Hmm. You do seem to be, on some level, determined to be miserable and make your DP miserable, too. You seem to have got stuck in a mindset that everything is awful, and to have fun at all is wicked and selfish, so you are going to sigh and moan constantly and insist that your DP suffers along with you all the time. If you whine and cling and do your best to sabotage your DP's very infrequent nights out, once he actually gets out of the house he probably gets into the mood of 'she's going to give me shit no matter what I do, I might as well make it worthwhile.'
You do have a difficult set up, with your DC's health issues. But when life is hard, it becomes really important to have fun and make time for fun. YOu seem to have a negative response to every suggestion that might make your family life easier. You won't get a medal for having the Hardest Life On The Planet.

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/12/2014 23:32

The DH shouldn't have worded things the way he did and should have had the conversation when sober.

However given the control the OP exerts over him and what he has put up with in the past its little wonder he snapped. If a woman came on and said her DH had hit her, hides her personal documents and controlled what time she went in and out she would be told to LTB. Yet the other way round it's still somehow gets to be the males fault.

Nothing will be fixed whilst one person controls the other to such an extent.

Life is hard but having four children, without adding into the mix medical needs, was never going to be a walk in the park and it takes extra hard work to maintain a relationship under stressful circumstances.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 23:53

Hedgehog, my advice is meant very kindly and to help you, not upset you even more, however I fear you will not like it and have a "yes but"..

Firstly, I am parent to Dc with SN and have a significant disability myself so I get the situation you are in. It is hard work and it is relentless at times, but the DC are here to stay and their needs will not change albeit it will get easier as they become older. Cling to that thought when you need to.

However. You and your DH absolutely need to be a team or you need to be apart. One or the other and you (and he) are going to have to CHOOSE which option you take. You cannot do this living together as you are. It isn't sustainable. Your posts about your DH do not change. He probably will not change, whether you separate or not. You need to accept this and decide what you want to enable you all to live in the way you should be living.

You are causing yourself needless angst and misery. Please DO NOT say you can't cope on your own. If you separate, buy in help or arrange access so you get a break. If he (sorry) died tomorrow, you would have to cope. For your DC.

I Worry that your repetitive threads will alienate your support on here as your situation is so frustrating.

Please Hedgehog, make a decision. Be a team or separate and parent separately. It may be he makes the decision for you. But you cannot carry on the way you are.

And remember, they will get older and it WILL get easier, but you have to help yourself now. It's in your control.

pictish · 24/12/2014 00:07

I'm with SGB and Daisy.

I'm not going to be articulate about this, but just say what I think. I'm pretty ordinary...not an angry person, or a selfish one...but if I were him I'd have gone radio rental long before now. The misery and the control. I couldn't handle it.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 00:28

Dh is currently comatose on the sofa.

Tonight I will have to deal with all four dcs , ds1 has already been up twice once for his inhaler then for nurofen due to neck pain, dd2 has needed a bg test as her alarm went off, ds2 wakes 2-3 times in night anyway but usually we take it in turns.

I may be controlling but my life is controlled by dcs conditions and I don't see why dh should avoid all that. I might be 'bossy' or 'controlling' but its because we have so much to do I can't let it slip or dcs will suffer. He needs to be here to help with them. I'm not just keeping him from things like going out for no good reason, I need his help. He had a 10 day holiday fgs and was trying to book another for next year he can't see he is wrong.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 24/12/2014 00:36

I don't think you are as controlling as other posters are suggesting. I think he is a selfish twat. Yes, everyone needs down time, but sometimes when things go awry in a family you have to forsake that.

I've been married almost 21 years, my DH has never come home in a state like that. He has had to forego work nights out when either one or both of the children have been unwell, or I have been in too much pain to cope. He doesn't mind. He would not dream of fucking off for 10 days on a jolly.

Hedgehog I do think you would be better off with out him, mainly because he doesn't seem to care about you. He should put your kids and you first. He could have gone out tonight, had a couple of drinks and come home in a state where he is still able to help look after the kids if needed. Everything he does seems to be about him. I would have showed him the door a long time ago.

Allingoodfaith · 24/12/2014 07:49

Maybe tne op maybe depressed as I know I would be with having to deal with shit like this in my own. Mabe that's why she has a bleak out look on life. Hardly going to be fizzing with joy is she ? Her dgm has just passed to top it off FFS ! I've not seen it maybe ve missed it but I've hit even seen the usual calls for 'take your self to a spar' .. Just support for her H gong out and enjoying himself?

Where is op support and enjoyment time or is only D allowed it?

Listen to thefairy she is spot on. You maybe on your own but at least you wouldn't have that abusive wanker hanging round your neck! Hope your ok today with so much to do.