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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
maddening · 23/12/2014 22:28

Could he go in late and change cannula in the morning? See if your mum might come and do bath time and bed - and might be good for you to have some time with your mum.

He would be unreasonable to go and drink - he should go and drive and be back by 11/12 IMO.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:29

Mum only got home from hosp this eve after three weeks in due to a brain haemorrhage so she can't help at all.

OP posts:
maddening · 23/12/2014 22:29

Oh the chicken has flown the coop - so sorry x

Nerf · 23/12/2014 22:29

But it's only ten o'clock so does he feel he's come home early, only to find it was pointless as you're still cross?

I do think something needs to change for you and your family, you seem to have stressful situations and no support. Can you get a break together via respite from social services? Do you get a break when the dcs are at school?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:31

He was the one who said 8pm and I said ok as I could keep dd2 up a bit late till he was home to help. The party started at 3 so he had a few hours but god knows what happened

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:32

I think it was always going to end up in an argument tonight, no matter what time he came home. Unfortunately, especially when there is drink involved, things will be said that are harsh and people won't mean.

You really didn't want him to go, and he will have known that. Talk tomorrow when you have both calmed down.

Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:34

Hedgehog, he probably should have said 8 if he couldn't stick to it, but that's pretty early to come home. If you posted at 10 and you had already argued, he couldn't have been too late?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:35

He clearly meant every word.

He said he has hated me for ages and can't stand me whining about my grandma and I should get over it and stop jibbing like a baby. He said one of us has to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:35

He got back at about 845 but in a state ive never seen before

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 22:37

OP... last question but, could the cannula not have been changed at your GP surgery at a push?

I'm asking this because there is always going to be a possibility that one or other of you won't be there to help the other one and you need some other support.

Really do try to get the anger out of your system before you talk tomorrow because this could get out of hand so quickly and unnecessarily. The emphasis for you not wanting him to go out was because you would be alone tonight but he's home already. I think 8pm wasn't realistic personally.

Xmas2014Santa2014 · 23/12/2014 22:37

Yes 10pm is early

Op so sorry about your grandma

Try to enjoy Xmas

Xxx

Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:38

Well, have a serious discussion at some point about your relationship. It sounds like you are both at breaking point.

Xmas2014Santa2014 · 23/12/2014 22:39

Oh sorry 8.45

I guess he must have drank a lot from 3pm to 8pm

Afternoon drinking never ends well :-(

Get some sleep & update us tomorrow

TheFairyCaravan · 23/12/2014 22:39

Tbf to Hedgehog, yes she didn't want her DH to go out, but she very rarely If ever goes out. If the boot was on the other foot, her DH would not have looked after the DC, changed the cannula and done everything else. He is a selfish cock, and it has shown up time and time again over the years.

I'm sorry for you hedgehog. I know what it is like to lose a grandparent at Christmas. My grandfather died suddenly 20 years ago last Sunday, I was trying to celebrate Christmas at MILs but didn't feel like it. Fortunately DS1 was only a week old, so I didn't have to be jolly for him.

Leave H to it tonight. Try talking to him in the morning. I don't think you've been needy at all, you've got a lot on your plate with your DC, but they are his DC too, and sometimes it seems he forgets that.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:41

No, gp won't do it as not trained, dh and I are only ones apart from the diabetes nurse (hosp in london) that can do it. We can both do it alone but only if the other can look after the other dcs. Can't do it with them running about as am drawing up insulin with a large needle etc and the sensor cannula makes dd upset sometimes as occasionally it hurts her

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:43

I really didn't want him to go but he suggested 8pm and promised he would be back to help, it wasn't as if I gave him a time to be in.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 23/12/2014 22:44

"He said he has hated me for ages and can't stand me whining about my grandma and I should get over it and stop jibbing like a baby. He said one of us has to leave"

Drunk or not, those are horrible things to say. Ask him if he remembers in the morning. If he doesn't regret what he said and isn't sorry, I think you should maybe consider having a break in your relationship so you can both think things through. I don't think you should have to put up with someone who talks to you like that. It sounds like you are both under pressure and stress but you need to be on the same team and support each other.
Flowers

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/12/2014 22:44

Given your other posts re hiding DHs passport, the violence against him and controlling when he can and can't come in it was bound to end up blowing up sooner than later.

It sounds like he has reached the end of the line and got it all of his chest.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:45

He says he wouldn't mind if I go out but i think he knows Im too tired and if I actually did I doubt he would cope with all dcs, he is always reluctant to have all four

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:46

I wanted to hide his passport previously as he was talking about another holiday and after the 10 day breakhe had alone when dd2 was newly diagnosed I didn't want to be left again

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:46

Why don't you try it and see? Tbf, you can't expect him never to go out just because you choose not to.

Sometimes people surprise you with how well they cope.

WannaBe · 23/12/2014 22:48

Maybe he just snapped because of how much stress you've been under. You sound very needy and these situations always have a breaking point.

8:45 is early but it still wasn't good enough for you. You need to talk in the light of day but I'm not surprised he's had enough.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 23/12/2014 22:49

I'm too tired I literally am exhausted. I feel stressed out and the last thing i feel like doing is going out alone.

I wanted to spend time with dh but when he's here he watches tv and ignores me whilst I'm on mn ignoring him. Relationship is shit.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/12/2014 22:51

If you are generally in every night together ignoring each other then him going on an annual works night out shouldn't be this much of a big deal.

If you by your own admission are on mn ignoring him, then close the laptop and suggest a film, or a board game. It works both ways in a relationship.

YouTheCat · 23/12/2014 22:53

Bloody hell. I fail to see why Hegdehog should be left to cope with all the kids on her own and doing cannula changes too. She doesn't go out because her 'd'h can't cope but she is left to cope time and time again with little chance for a break.

When you have kids with additional needs sometimes both parents need to be there and this was one of those times. What was more important - her h having a drunken afternoon/evening or their child's health?