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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 22/12/2014 11:20

I agree with most others. Let him go, the kids don't have to have a bath every night. Make sure he wraps the presents.

Sorry for your loss.

Inertia · 22/12/2014 11:27

Sorry for your loss.

History suggests that he will go anyway, so I think your best bet is to just focus on medical needs and give bath time a miss until tomorrow night. The deal is then that he deals with all of the children for a few hours tomorrow so you can finish the wrapping and take some time out for yourself.

ENormaSnob · 22/12/2014 11:27

Yabu

SolidGoldBrass · 22/12/2014 11:28

I think you should let him go. If he was the sort who is out every night leaving you alone with the kids it might be a different matter, but this sounds like a rare night out for him - and it is socially and professionally important to attend the works party in most workplaces.
It's also important to make sure there is fun in everyone's lives so plan a night out for yourself in the near future. I appreciate that you are sad about your GM but when the first pain is easing, do something nice for yourself that brings back happy memories of her.

GraysAnalogy · 22/12/2014 11:31

So so sorry about your DGM Flowers

I think you should just 'let' him go, however. It's one night out of the year where he gets to let his hair down with work mates. From the sounds of your posts you both have very stressful lives so this might be something he needs - however you do too!

pictish · 22/12/2014 11:37

I am sorry for you loss and all the other stress you are going through, but I think yabu. Sorry. x

honeybunny14 · 22/12/2014 11:37

So sorry for your loss Flowers I think if he really wants to go ask him if he could come home earlier. If you are feeling really low though I would ask him not to go.

26Point2Miles · 22/12/2014 11:40

Having read threads from you throughout the year I also feel yabu here

Viviennemary · 22/12/2014 11:43

I can see why you'd rather he didn't go. But I think on this occasion just tell him to go to the party if he wants to.

BackforGood · 22/12/2014 11:44

YABU.

Sometimes (well, often) life can be challenging when you have little ones, but at the end of the day, you get on with it, and stopping people going out for a one off 'do' is not going to help the mood, but will just build resentment. If you were talking the 3rd booxe up this week, that's very different from an annual Christmas do.

PrimalLass · 22/12/2014 12:07

Do you have to bath them all? Just don't bother tonight.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 12:17

I'm sorry about your grandmother, OP. You're going to be upset anyway for a little while and your husband will support you, surely? Is there a real need for him to be at home tonight?

Presumably though, your children need care all through the year. Does he pull his weight there? If so, then YABU, he has a work life as well as a home life and the expectation will be that he attends this function. If you are the main carer of your children then you have to manage whilst he's at work anyway. What preparation can your husband help you with to make it easier for you perhaps?

You've said he doesn't go out often - and that you think a train journey means that he will drink. What of it? Does he come home steaming drunk and wake up the household? Do you get the chance to go out whilst he watches/tends to the children?

What's this really about, OP? I get the feeling that it's the 'Christmas Do' you don't like the idea of. Do you have doubts about his ability to dodge the mistletoe?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 12:50

It is true that he rarely goes out and yes I do look after dcs majority of the time its just the evenings are particularly difficult especially on days dd needs her cannula changed etc. getting them all to bed is a challenge too as dd2 and ds2 still need to be settled/medical needs attended to etc.

I also would in an ideal world like to spend an evening with dh, once the dcs are in bed I feel I need some time with him, wrap the presents together etc as I have not felt Christmassy at all and would like to spend some time with him.

OP posts:
Frogme · 22/12/2014 12:52

I think you should let him go. It's once a year. He can make up for it in other ways over the next few days.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 22/12/2014 12:55

I think YABU.
Don't bath the kids, let them watch TV whilst you wrap, then have a Christmassy night in tomorrow.

Sorry about your dgm Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 12:56

Can you not spend the evening together tomorrow? The evening after? and all the other evenings after that? Confused

Be honest with yourself, what is it that's irking you so much about this event? Your husband clearly wants to go to it. You would be hugely unfair to make him feel 'unwelcome' to attend it or in your 'bad books'.

Perhaps you need some time out of the house on your own to recharge your batteries too? I can understand why your husband does. You both need time to be people in your own right as well as a couple.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 12:57

Oh, the 'do' is tomorrow - well tonight then? and Christmas Eve? etc..

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 12:59

Tonight I have aa appointment so have to leave as soon as dh gets in from work then I'm at DMs house as have to make sure its ready for her to return from hospital on Xmas eve.

Tomorrow is the party and I think dcs will be far too over excited wed night and probably won't go to sleep for ages!

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 13:00

A appointment not aa (!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 13:00

An even

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 13:02

Tbh I don't think it'd be as much of an issue if Dgm hadn't passed away yesterday I just feel really lonely. Like posters have said I could not bath three of dcs at least but dd2 would have to due to cannula change.

I think its the being alone all evening really

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 13:10

Baths can wait for another night. Wave your husband off with a smile on your face and settle down for a film or something of your choice.

You should BOTH have time off alone when you need to, whatever time of year that is.

kittensinmydinner · 22/12/2014 13:18

I am so sorry about your dgm bereavement is always so awful but made so much worse just before Christmas Thanks. Thanks Thanks but I think you should try and understand that the Christmas 'do' is quite important. of course you would prefer he was there, and if YOU were poorly then of course he should stay home, but (I don't know what his office is like) people who don't attend Xmas party can often be unfairly criticized as 'stand offish' and may do dh more harm than good not to go. ..I may be off the mark here, just projecting my own experience of those that don't go as being 'anti social' 'under the thumb' blah blah . Try and reach a compromise that he shows his face but makes it clear that you have had a bereavement and he returns early, but on the whole it's one evening and if he hasn't got form for leaving everything up to you, then he should go. Could you get a friend round for the evening to help /talk to ?

Chunderella · 22/12/2014 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 22/12/2014 13:20

At the risk of sounding callous OP, your reasons for wanting to keep him in seem to be quite selfish. You are an adult, and even though you feel sad and harrassed, there is little he can do to ease your grief, and shortcuts you can take to make the evening easier, so you ought to be fine with coping for one night, while your dh attends his works do, which he will be expected to attend.

There is another thread on here from a whole back, where your dh is on another rare night out (and you confess on that one he doesn't go out often too) and you were pissed off he's not home at midnight on the dot, and were considering locking him out.

I think the real problem is that you resent your dh having any life outside of the home at all.
So yabu.