To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

[Edenviolet]

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

On these threads, people often want to know why the OP had so many children when her husband had a serious genetic condition. However, it's pointless because they are all here now, they are their own human beings and questioning their conception is really unpleasant.

In defence of Hedgehog's DH who isn't here to explain himself, please bear in mind that he also has Elhers Danlos Syndrome, so life isn't exactly a barrel of laughs for him either. He is caring for his children whilst being disabled himself!

Dh was not diagnosed till after dd1. As a child his problems were put down to hypermobility and possible Marian's syndrome. That was then ruled out, he had multiple surgeries on knees, chest and other joints to try and cut and tighten tendons and was then discharged, it was only after dd was found to have same problems that the doctors then looked to dh.
After ds1 they then saw us again and went I to my history and said I also had eds as had suffered dislocations and had a high score on Beighton scale.

Marfans not Marian's

I don't know, crumble, I think when OP describes her situation it sounds so unbearable (the way she puts it) that it's perfectly normal to wonder how it got this way. Not because it can be undone, but because maybe some of the solutions lie in those details. For instance in her recent post about having the first two DCs quite young whilst living apart from the DH and him being unsympathetic to her problems in pregnancy. Doesn't that speak volumes about the relationship? That she went on to have two more DCs with him? And here we are, wondering why she's continuing with the relationship when many others (from these many pages of posts) would have split up long ago? But the answer is right there in those early years, it seems to me. She put up with untenable shit from him then and she will continue to do so. And there will be better times when they talk reasonably and agree constructive steps like the recent discussion, as well as terrible times like the violence and the row about his works party. Some advice given here will help, but essentially it is going to go on and she will (quite understandably) let off steam here and people will (quite understandably) wonder how on earth it got this way. It's not about negating the DCs existence. It's about the OP and her DH and their at times questionable decision-making capabilities.

I agree, I had a lot of dcs and that was because of my first loss and not dealing with that. Only recently this year have I had proper counselling about that.

Also - there's another thread on here today about a mum who's pregnant with DC4 and is angry at the negative reactions people are having. Not saying those people are right to be negative but it's a good example of how widespread the notion that it's bloody hard having four kids is, without any additional needs. So for people to boggle a bit at the OP having four in this situation - with an absent partner for the first two - is understandable. However sympathetic people are, there's not many who wouldn't deep down wonder how the OP expected (rather than hoped) this situation would turn out, and ideally apply more realism going forward.

Fair play to you, btw, hedgehog, you do engage constructively and seem more self-aware of late. Hope you have a much better 2015.

To be fair to dh, he did want contact.i refused. Also DM would not allow him into her house (where I was living with dcs) so there were many aspects to it.

I accept I do post often when at my worst and its only when I've calmed down and reread advice that I can begin to take it on board.
Its the no rl support that is a big problem, I know I rely on mn too much.

Hedgehog, please don't take this the wrong way, but when your DH went on his holiday, how did you cope alone then? Did you buy in care? Did family finally step up? If you look back at that time, were there any particular changes you made to expectations or routine that helped you get through? Could you use these again? I expect you had no time then to think beyond your DCs' immediate needs, but wonder if you could now kind of pick the bones out of the experience.

I stayed at my mums a couple of nights and the rest of the time was at home. I barely got any sleep it was horrendously hard work but I just tried to get through each day till he was home. To be honest it was easier on my own at home that with DM as she can be difficult.

"There were many aspects to it"

Which might have telegraphed that this was not a dream scenario to sire a big clan. Obviously that confronts you every day now, but while the impulse 'to be fair to DH' is warm and suggests there's still love to build on, it also adds to the sense that the messiness of your relationship is normalised and excusable and so it will carry on. Marriages don't have to be like that, even with the hardships you endure. See how you go, but do draw a line where you will no longer apply 'to be fair' to each other and if it's crossed, don't compound your problems by putting up with it, either of you.

Pinkdelight is right and to be fair you do always come back :) I just think if you could cut out the amateur dramatics and the flouncing I would be a little more sympathetic.
I think the issue is you are always in crisis and this has to be dealt with. Stop directing your venom your husband and your need to control it all. You can't trust me and nor do you need to.
For example you talk about teaching dd1 now and yet you should have been doing this years ago. They should be self aware of their conditions. Don't tackle them all at once.
You need to pick your battles instead of being overwhelmed. It shouldn't be all down to you but in all fairness the children need to chip in to. You won't be around forever and complex needs are hardwork. I don't blame either of you for needing time away.

There should have been a comma in the trust bit lol.

Yes, I should have been but if I'm honest, all the pregnancies and HG took me away from dd1 a lot. My actions have been far from ideal and I do want things to change, iam also sick of this whole mess.

Hedgehog, do you want to be with your DH in terms of a marriage or do you want him to step up and share the parenting? Maybe it's both but from your posts, my impression is that you want him to be an equal parent which is perfectly reasonable. But what about the love? Is this a relationship worth saving?

I'm not asking, just something for you to ponder on.

OP I just want to say, I have one child with severe health issues and I cannot describe how stressful the last three years have been. Ive bee fraught, exhausted, controlling(have had to be, to keep ontop of the constant medical issues, to keep dc safe) Ive lashed out and really struggled with my situation with the DC's dad. I have no family near by to help either.

The only people on here giving you grief simply dont understand how fucking unbelievable hard it is to have a child who needs round the clock care. Let alone more than one.

A friend of mine has a 3 year old with Type 1 diabetes and again, Ive seen how tough that is.

My heart really goes out to you.