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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advent calendar punishment

232 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 21/12/2014 22:23

Dd is 2.5 and going through a tough stage with defiance and tantrums etc. She's quite advanced (confirmed by nursery and development specialist not just me being pushy partner!) anyway, I have a great big santa decoration with numbered pockets as an advent calendar. Each night I fill tomorrow's pocket with a treat and something small.
This evening she was being quite naughty and I asked her twice to stop what she was doing. I told her I would tell santa and he wouldn't have a present for her tomorrow. She looked at me and purposefully did it again. This happened 3 times and then I walked to santa and told him what she had done. At first she laughed but by bedtime she was genuinely worried she won't get a present and she apologised to me and to santa.

DH thinks I should relent and fill the pocket. I'm not sure.
Is she too young? She will be heart broken tomorrow if there's nothing there.
Stick to my guns or accept the apology and hope she has learnt?

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 21/12/2014 22:25

By the time morning comes she will have forgotten all about it and it won't mean anything to her - it'll just upset her. I'd put it back.

TurnOverTheTv · 21/12/2014 22:26

Why are you using Santa as a punishment anyway?

306235388 · 21/12/2014 22:27

I'm pretty strict but I wouldn't even do this to my 7 year old never mind my youngest .

Just put a wee note in saying 'thanks for saying sorry please try harder to be a Good girl' and give her the usual stuff .

Don't threaten again what you won't carry out though.

In what way is she advanced? Emotionally? Because that's what counts here really. Like I say my 7 year old would understand the connection but he would be beyond devastated and at the end of the day santa isn't his parent, I am!

FATEdestiny · 21/12/2014 22:27

If you are having doubts then you should never have made the threat in the first place.

I get annoyed with my DH because he makes wild threats (you won't be coming on holiday if you carry on like that...) that would never, ever really happen. It's not about the rights or wrongs of following through here. It is the fact that you made a threat you were not 100% certain you would follow through with. That's the problem.

But you did make that threat, so you have to deal with it.

WooWooOwl · 21/12/2014 22:31

I think if she's intelligent enough to make a conscious choice to do something she knows she shouldn't, then she's old enough to learn that there are consequences.

Not receiving an advent gift will not scar her forever. If you're going to do the 'Santa notices whether your behaviour is good or bad' thing, and I know it is easily done, then you have to follow through with it.

I'd tone down the talking to Santa though.

cestlavielife · 21/12/2014 22:32

She s apologised. Have her do a chore tomorrow. But keep the treat.

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 21/12/2014 22:32

Yes, she's quite emotionally ahead and in her understanding. She registers at more like a year beyond her age. I think she will remember tomorrow but DH thinks she won't.
I usually carry through with my threats so that's why I'm asking here as my guts tells me to carry through but she will be so upset.
I do regret saying it now but it almost bedtime and she was being particularly naughty... Blah

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 21/12/2014 22:42

Last year my DS was 4 and he ate all the chocs in his brothers advent calendar.

As a punishment my elder son got the chocolate from youngest sons calendar for 7 days. By then we replaced the eaten calendar.

Was not the end of the word for DS4 to not get his advent calendar chocolate for a week. He was upset each morning but did understand why.

He definitely has learnt his lesson.

MrsSpencerReid · 21/12/2014 22:46

What about only getting either the sweets or the present? Not both? That's prob what I'd do

fredfredgeorgejnr · 21/12/2014 22:47

You have to carry through with it now if you really think she understands I would say. Have the treat delivered in the afternoon after a trip to the park or something, to soften the consequences into something more reasonable.

But I really think you should scale back the threats and punishments for a 2 year old!

Saz12 · 21/12/2014 22:49

I think you're backed into a corner here, and you have to withhold the gift.

At mildest, make it temporary, with an option to "earn" it by doing an immediate good thing -e.g. making her bed, helping you put the washing on, eating her breakfast nicely (ie whatever you've time for on a Monday morning). Then an explanation about naughtiness/defiance = not getting what she wants (consequences), but you/Santa know she's a good girl and won't do it again, so there's a treat for her now.

But I echo earlier posters - don't threaten the nuclear button unless you're really going to use it.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 21/12/2014 22:50

No. She's too young to get this. A punishment at this age needs to be immediate, not an hour or 12 later. Sorry.

EustaciaBenson · 21/12/2014 22:50

I think the idea of a note from santa is a good idea

PortofinoVino · 21/12/2014 22:50

Sorry but you have to carry it through now. Or else you are teaching her: she misbehaves, you threaten, she misbehaves deliberately again.......and she till get the treat. What is that teaching her?

EBearhug · 21/12/2014 22:52

You could say that Santa gave you the present because she'd apologised, and if she was still being good when she got up, he said she'd be allowed to have it - but not if she was naughty when she got up.

avocadogreen · 21/12/2014 22:52

A 2 year old will not understand! Honestly at that age punishments have to be immediate and age appropriate, eg naughty step then saying sorry. And you say she is a year 'ahead' - I wouldn't do that to my 4yo and probably not even my 6yo unless she had done something incredibly naughty.

Cooki3Monst3r · 21/12/2014 22:53

You have to follow through now.

It's probably not a great idea to delay punishments until the day after the event, but having said that, I think in principle you're idea is a perfectly acceptable form of 'consequence teaching'.

I also have a very advanced dd. She's now nearly 5 and I am suffering the consequences of teaching her like a baby for too long. I threw her whole bowl of porridge in the bin the other day because she spent 15 mins crying and complaining about the honey having been administered wrong. She didn't believe I'd do it. Once she'd calmed down she was given a 2nd (smaller and dried up) bowl of porridge and happily ate it as it was given to her!!

Backing down on this now, having made the threat, would be a very bad idea.

Perhaps soften the blow though with a suggestion that together you come up with an idea of how she can 'earn back' her treat?

usualsuspect333 · 21/12/2014 22:57

Shes 2.

She's still a baby.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 21/12/2014 22:58

I'm sorry, but the development of a 5 year old is very different to that of a 2 year old. She'll wake up tomorrow and won't remember why she's being punished. It needs to be immediate, not 12 hours later, it won't have the same effect and all it will do is confuse her.

MulledLairyFights · 21/12/2014 23:00

I like the inclusion of a note from Santa. I'd give her sweets, not a present and a note saying thank you for the apology and Santa expects better behaviour.

Cooki3Monst3r · 21/12/2014 23:02

usual how is a 2 year old a baby?!

Anyway, OPs dd is 2 1/2. Very different to 2.

lomega · 21/12/2014 23:05

With very little children I thought they forgot about the initial bad behaviour after a short time, and then only played up after because of parents bearing a grudge..? I was always told off 'on the spot' as a child, severity depended on wrongdoing, but afterwards I was always forgiven and taught to move on (up until I was old enough to realise things had long term consequences!)

I'd put a note in there as suggested by a PP saying something like 'please try to be good' or similar.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 21/12/2014 23:07

Of course she'll remember, she's small not stupid.

Don't give it to her OP, follow through is important. It's only an advent treat, nit her actual present, perfect follow through opportunity. Don't start being one of these parents who threaten and don't follow through.

SoonToBeSix · 21/12/2014 23:07

No she doesn't register a year beyond her age. That is a ridiculous statement she is not even two and a half. Yabu and cruel.

ReallyTired · 21/12/2014 23:08

She is two years old and is still a baby. She won't understand why she is being punished the following morning. It is utter bollox about being advanced as it will be years before she has a meaningful understanding of time.

Why do you have to see a threat through? You made and utterly stupid threat and it would be cruel to carry it through. In fact I think it would stupid to carry through such a threat at five years old. It is crap to use Santa to punish your daughter.

Young children misbehave when they are over tired. I expect the excitement got too much. Young children aren't malicious.