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Original poster

Advent calendar punishment

232 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 21/12/2014 22:23

Dd is 2.5 and going through a tough stage with defiance and tantrums etc. She's quite advanced (confirmed by nursery and development specialist not just me being pushy partner!) anyway, I have a great big santa decoration with numbered pockets as an advent calendar. Each night I fill tomorrow's pocket with a treat and something small.
This evening she was being quite naughty and I asked her twice to stop what she was doing. I told her I would tell santa and he wouldn't have a present for her tomorrow. She looked at me and purposefully did it again. This happened 3 times and then I walked to santa and told him what she had done. At first she laughed but by bedtime she was genuinely worried she won't get a present and she apologised to me and to santa.

DH thinks I should relent and fill the pocket. I'm not sure.
Is she too young? She will be heart broken tomorrow if there's nothing there.
Stick to my guns or accept the apology and hope she has learnt?

OP posts:
306235388 · 21/12/2014 23:10

I'm amazed how many people would carry through 'because you've made the threat now'. Sometimes as parents we make mistakes and say the wrong thing, punishing the child for that doesn't make it any better!!

Yes, absolutely, consistency is key but not for the sake of it, when, IMO you are totally wrong.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 21/12/2014 23:13

If she has apologised and you withhold the treat , are you not teaching that saying sorry is pointless ? (I know you shouldn't apologise just to get sweets).

SamCroClaus · 21/12/2014 23:13

i wouldn't do it, a 2 year old is way too young for that punishment.

livegoldrings · 21/12/2014 23:21

I am trying to get away from the threats and warnings. I think if they are naughty you should just go straight to a consequence, preferably a natural one, but it could be something like because you were rude and hurt my feelings now I dont feel like giving you a cookie or playing a game. As that is quite natural to happ

livegoldrings · 21/12/2014 23:26

Oops to happen in a social situation. This way you avoid making threats and having to do things you might change your mind about. Sometimes a threat is just a red rag to a defiant toddler or kid. You are pushing them, then they push back, then you end up going too far with the punishment.

LittleBearPad · 21/12/2014 23:31

Don't follow your threat through. She said sorry, a note as suggested above would be a good idea plan acknowledging this. She's only a baby.

Grin at comment that 2.6 is vastly different to 2.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2014 23:33

I never used Santa or Christmas as a punishment, other than 'Santa's watching' which was usually enough for my two gullible lovely sons (now adults) to stop whatever they were doing. If it came down to needing to do something about behaviour I'd just trot out the usual time-outs or loss of privileges. I don't think it's right to use something as wonderful and special to children as Santa and Christmas as a threat. I put it in the same category as telling a child that 'that policeman will come over here and arrest you if you don't stop' when they're misbehaving in public.

But, she's only 2.5 and she has apologized. I think I'd go with the note from Santa with the sweet/toy and just let it go because of the season. Otherwise I do believe in 'carry through'.

Fanfeckintastic · 21/12/2014 23:35

I made a similar threat when my DD was about that age, when I was putting her to bed that night and we were friends again, I kindly explained why she wouldn't be getting "x" the next day. I followed through and it worked wonders.

It's only a treat, not the end of the world!

Quitethewoodsman · 21/12/2014 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumbleinthrjungle · 21/12/2014 23:38

She's two. She's a toddler. An unrelated consequence 24 hours away isn't fair or kind. Time out, immediate removal of toy, immediate logical consequences are appropriate. No matter how clever she is, at two her brain is still developing and cause and effect thinking (if I do this, this will happen/ if I do that, that will happen/ if I mess with mummy about this my advent calendar won't be there tomorrow) just isn't biologically there yet. Which is why two year olds can be so bloody challenging.

differentnameforthis · 21/12/2014 23:44

Advanced or not Hmm she is 2 and a half. The optimum age for tantrums & testing boundaries.

If you relent she won't have learnt anything, if you don't relent she won't have learnt anything. She is too young to make the connection.

LittleBearPad · 21/12/2014 23:46

She's said sorry. Was her behaviour so bad it has to affect tomorrow.

FannyBlott · 21/12/2014 23:58

No you don't have to follow through. She's two. If you don't follow through on one threat when she's two it's hardly going to make her terribly behaved.

I don't understand people who use Santa as a punishment, in fact I hate "punishment" altogether. Teaching that all actions have a consequence is better in my opinion.
Don't make threats unless you're sure you'll follow through in future.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 22/12/2014 00:00

Santa is a little piece of magic. Some say it won't scar her for life, if you retract her treat but my own, older children still talk fondly recall their advents, Santa and stockings.

You say she's highly intelligent - because of this intelligence, she will not forget this incident in the future, if you go ahead.

Let her have her magic - and don't use Santa's name in vain again!

(...and there really are 1001 (less stressful, more fun and effective) ways to appeal to a young child, without having to go head to head, making threats and metering out punishments.)

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 22/12/2014 00:03

We heard a 'wonderful' one on the bus last year. "Go away because mummy doesn't want you" to a misbehaving 2 year old, throw away remarks can cause so much distress to a small child Sad. I have few rules, but one is never to use the withdrawl of love or food as a threat, and never to leave a punishment over night.

Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:05

I would put a note in to read out that says "thank you for saying sorry. Please help mummy and daddy with xyz, and come back after lunch" (and put the present in then)

And don't go blaming Santa in future - own your decisions about acceptable behaviour!

fourwoodenchairs · 22/12/2014 00:06

She will remember. I always follow through.

Romeorodriguez · 22/12/2014 00:10

What on earth is a 'development specialist'? Grin

Cherrychocolate · 22/12/2014 00:13

Santa is meant to be a lovely magical person, something that makes wonderful memories. Don't use this for something so negative. Your DD is still so small. A punishment that will be carried out the next day is too harsh IMO.

It's nearly Christmas, tell her in the morning that it looks like Santa is giving her another chance to be a good girl, because he is kind, and let her have her treat.

My youngest is 3, and I couldn't do that to her, she gets so excited every morning. Her advent is the first thing she thinks of when she opens her eyes!

Hope you make the right decision.

pictish · 22/12/2014 00:16

I know I couldn't do it.

SetTheWorldOnFire · 22/12/2014 00:17

I have threatened to eat DS1's advent calendar chocolate if he came downstairs (yet) again after bedtime Blush. Fortunately he didn't, so I've never had to consider whether I'd follow through. He's 6 which makes a big difference though, I wouldn't consider doing this to my nearly 4 yo.

erin99 · 22/12/2014 00:56

Stop addressing the santa decoration as if it is the real santa. That is a bit odd.

An articulate 2.5 yo gives the impression of much greater understanding than they actually have. Especially if their understanding of the world is based on adults addressing advent calendars as if they were real people. As to what you should do... What do you think your advent calendar would do? I think the real santa would forgive after the nice apology.

I wouldn't use that particular tactic again either.

Bulbasaur · 22/12/2014 03:35

I don't understand how posters here are insisting she wouldn't understand this, but would understand a note thanking her for an apology. How would she understand that any better?

Toddlers aren't stupid, but parents certainly do like to over indulge them like they are. They're not babies, they can understand an overnight punishment if you explain it to them.

I'm not advocating taking away her chocolate in the morning, but you don't need to powder her ass either.

I think you could do something like making her do a chore to get the candy. Like picking up her toys, making her bed, drying (plastic) dishes with you. Then tell her you expect her to listen to you and do as she's told from now on.

Goldenbear · 22/12/2014 03:47

What a fuss about nothing - how bad can a 2.5 year olds behaviour ever get. I wouldn't do that to my 7.5 year old as I don't like 'power tripping' over food. My DD is just over 3.5 and I can't begin to imagine being so cruel to her. Her chocolate Advent calendar ran out yesterday so she must have had double on a few days at some point - 'oh well' it is gone now and she hasn't eaten her brothers!

You don't always have to follow through on consequences to turn out good adults or have manageable children, sometimes you can just do this 'novel' thing called- 'talking'!

GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit · 22/12/2014 03:55

She apologised!

I like the idea of putting a note in with the present. Rounds the whole event off nicely.