Advent calendar punishment

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Dd is 2.5 and going through a tough stage with defiance and tantrums etc. She's quite advanced (confirmed by nursery and development specialist not just me being pushy partner!) anyway, I have a great big santa decoration with numbered pockets as an advent calendar. Each night I fill tomorrow's pocket with a treat and something small.
This evening she was being quite naughty and I asked her twice to stop what she was doing. I told her I would tell santa and he wouldn't have a present for her tomorrow. She looked at me and purposefully did it again. This happened 3 times and then I walked to santa and told him what she had done. At first she laughed but by bedtime she was genuinely worried she won't get a present and she apologised to me and to santa.

DH thinks I should relent and fill the pocket. I'm not sure.
Is she too young? She will be heart broken tomorrow if there's nothing there.
Stick to my guns or accept the apology and hope she has learnt?

Precisely fan, we just keep getting the old "my child wouldn't do that". There is no mention of what they would do of their children did do that. Some children don't have the ability to self regulate. Some children have ODD, add, ADHD. Some children need different parenting methods.

I don't think that I am a better parent than those who parent differently, but I do think that some people struggle and might benefit from hearing about other parenting methods.

I did all the Naughty Step, Star Chart reward/punishment stuff when my kids were little and I didn't find that it helped, so I tried other tactics.

My kids weren't and aren't docile and always well-behaved. My son went through a long period of wall-drawing. They've never been violent towards each other or towards other, but they've argued and they've behaved badly.

Re apologising and please/thank you - there is a difference between reminding kids to be polite and forcing them to repeat phrases that they don't mean. I do remind my kids to say thank you (not much now, cause they are v polite) but never forced apologies.

I was blogging about this yesterday (inspired by this thread) and one of the websites I linked to was this one - on being the controller of the family. I don't think that people who use rewards and punishments are cruel, but I do agree that it creates an unequal relationship, and that it can for some families bring extra challenges when the kids get older.

I havent had any extra challenges when they got older MMeLindor through using rewards and punishments. My 2 have been very easy teenagers, sorry that blog was nonsense. What it doesnt acknowledge is that if you do use rewards, they slowly tail off until you dont use them any more once the correct behaviour is ingrained. I used sweets for potty training for DS, at 19 he is not coming to me and asking for a smartie when he uses the loo
I would be worried that my children couldnt think for themselves or need us to control them now. My philosophy is give them wings and they will fly.

The thing is every child is different and needs parenting differently. DD didnt need sweets for potty training, she was so desperate to start that she just climbed on the toilet and said i want to use the toilet. We had been told to delay it because she had a skin graft taken from inside her thigh that needed to heal before i took off nappies, but she was having none of it.

My ds 19 is a deep thinker, he needs time to go away and think about things and then you get a very genuine sorry and has been like that since tiny, but we had to learn that.
My dd will say sorry immediately but i dont think will necessarily mean it. In fact she got a joke certificate for "the girl who is always sorry" from her form teacher.

The thing is every child is different and needs parenting differently.

Yes. This point exactly.

I have to use different parenting styles for my NT child than I do for my ASD with learning difficulty child.
Although I am not needing to do much parenting today as they are both so overjoyed with their Xmas presents that they have abandoned me and scuttled to their rooms with their hauls. Just as well we had good ol family movie time last night and will do so again later today.

But how does parenting differently work in practice?

If you use a punishment/reward sytem with one child but not another that may seem very unfair.
One kid gets a time out and nott another. Or one child has a star chart and two don't.

How as a parent can you wo different parenting styles?

I think it works because you are parenting on the wing using common sense rather than using some dreadful book to tell you what to do. Life is never even and i think will children learn that quite early if you let them. As long as its not onesided they learn that they will get their turn. I gave dd a reward for working really hard at her handwriting, because it was so terrible teachers could eead it it to mark it. I didnt need to do that with ds. I dont think he even noticed. There are things i let ds do at 16 that i wouldnt let dd do. She grumbled but not for very long because she got the reasoning behind. Most parents get more lax with the younger ones anyway. My little sister got away with far more than i did. Although in my case above dd is the youngest.

It works exactly as Bruffin says. It is all down to common sense and not trying to follow a specific technique from a manual. We have never needed to use time outs or start charts for either child. We use parenting techniques appropriate to each child's level of understanding and developmental age. Neither child thinks it is unfair, because it isn't unfair.