Advent calendar punishment

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Dd is 2.5 and going through a tough stage with defiance and tantrums etc. She's quite advanced (confirmed by nursery and development specialist not just me being pushy partner!) anyway, I have a great big santa decoration with numbered pockets as an advent calendar. Each night I fill tomorrow's pocket with a treat and something small.
This evening she was being quite naughty and I asked her twice to stop what she was doing. I told her I would tell santa and he wouldn't have a present for her tomorrow. She looked at me and purposefully did it again. This happened 3 times and then I walked to santa and told him what she had done. At first she laughed but by bedtime she was genuinely worried she won't get a present and she apologised to me and to santa.

DH thinks I should relent and fill the pocket. I'm not sure.
Is she too young? She will be heart broken tomorrow if there's nothing there.
Stick to my guns or accept the apology and hope she has learnt?

Oh, blimey, I hadn't seen the further posts suggesting Santa's note demands a chore! The child has been distressed, went to bed anxious and has apologised. That is the desired outcome, there's no need to milk it!
Since the advent calendar inflicted the punishment, it's appropriate that the advent calendar says thank you for the apology - and delivers the goods :)

She is 2.5
Yabu - she apologised. Finished.

It's 4 days before Xmas! Kids act like complete idiots at this time of year because us parents make such a fuss about the excitement and wind them up to near hysteria. And don't tell me you're not, OP, because you're talking to 'Santa' in front of your 2 yo and using it as a source of punishment.

Give the poor kid a break!

Do whatever you feel most comfortable with, this one incident won't have a huge impact on her development. If you're struggling for ideas for consequences then seek further advice and aim for consistency. Does your dh often disagree with your parenting styles and decisions? She could pick up on this.

Having an advanced child brings about its own challenges. Especially when the development isn't even across the board, intelligence, emotional understanding etc.

She's two and a half

my ds would be really upset not to get his treat and he would remember every Christmas how Santa took his treat away. No way would I do it. But my ds is a very sensitive boy who loves Christmas. Santa only does nice things. He never punishes my boy.

I think you have to follow through. My youngest (3) has missed out on quite a few advent chocs for bad behaviour. Tough imo.

The bit I wouldn't have done is pretend to collude with Santa. It then makes it his punishment , not yours. It undermines your authority and also is a bit unfair on poor old santa. I think that bit is daft.

Ok, I hadn't see that she is only two. Tough one here... I reckon don't give her the treat but give her another equally nice treat so she is still getting something.

I reckon the lesson is not to make threats you won't follow through. Following through is one of the most difficult but most important bits about parenting and setting boundaries imo.

No don't do it she's only 2.5! Agree with pp who said that when they have advanced speech you forget how little they actually understand. Dc that young don't need punishing. Immediate natural consequences.

Ds is 2 and I can't imagine doing that to him, he definitely wouldn't understand.

It was a silly threat. I would follow through, but make sure you really praise any good behaviour today.

Do it. I would. Two of my three would certainly have understood it at that age. It's a judgment call, and it is your judgment to make.

No advice. I don't punish.

It is possible to raise well behaved children without threats or punishment.

Carry on as normal with the advent. Don't mention it unless your DD does.
If she does, just casually say Santa must be quite forgiving.

Try not to use Santa to control behaviour from now on, better to say Mummy is not happy when bad behaviour occurs. (I sometimes used to go off and do something else if my DS were badly behaved, making sure they were safe first. It seemed to be more effective).

Then move on and do something enjoyable this morning.

(BTW I'm not a perfect Mum, just coming at it from the 'what I would do if I did it all again' angle)

People are acting like you've threatened to cut off her food supply and starve her

No advice. I don't punish.

It is possible to raise well behaved children without threats or punishment

Perhaps you could share how you do that bigbluestars - and maybe write a book as I am sure it would be very popular.

I personally believe if you make a 'threat' you need to carry it through, and as Fan says, it's only withdrawing a chocolate not sending her to outer Siberia . I don't get this 'she's only a baby' line either, I do think there is a tendancy to over-baby toddlers.

Books have been written ragwort:

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Without-Punishment-Problem-Behavior/dp/0914783785

I don't think punishment teaches children very much or hones their moral compass.

I don't punish my OH or even my dog. I have high expectaions of behaviour but those can be achieved without punishing.

Hahaha, thanks for all the comments on this thread.

Parenting without Punishment a proactive approach that focuses on emphasizing and encouraging a child's good behavior rather than trying to decrease his bad behavior.

So bribery is still ok?

It isn't bribery. Kids can behave well without rewards. I don't reward good behaviour either.

I'd put half the presents in and say Santa said she could have the rest the following day if she was extra good all day today

I personally believe if you make a 'threat' you need to carry it through, and as Fan says, it's only withdrawing a chocolate not sending her to outer Siberia

I totally agree with this.
If you don't carry through with threats then children quickly learn that you don't mean what you say and that they can behave however they want because there won't be any consequences.
Of course the ideal situation is that you only threaten things that you are prepared to go through with.
My children know that if they misbehave during advent they will not be able to open the advent bag on that day (so far at least one bag per child goes unopened every year). My children haven't displayed any signs of long term suffering because of an unopened advent bag. I never threaten Christmas presents as I wouldn't go through with a 'no Xmas presents threat'.

What do you do then bigbluestars? I am genuinely interested and have read a lot about positive behaviour techniques but none of the things I have read have helped me with my third child.

Well, I was being a bit flippant but In all seriousness, isn't 'emphasis and encouragement' a form of reward? It's not material, but doesn't it rely on praise or attention being something desirable to the child so they will reproduce the good behaviour to get it more / again?

(Not that that's a bad thing!)

I'm the same bigblue.

My little dc are 6 and 8. I think that children live up to your expectations of them and reflect your behaviour back. I don't give loads of praise, probably less than average.