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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at not seeing baby

201 replies

Cadenza1818 · 06/12/2014 20:53

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 06/12/2014 20:58

I wonder if your sister is now thinking 'why did i force myself on my sister two hours after a section, if I'd known you feel like this I would never have done it!'. It may be that she just found it very traumatic and wants some time to recover. This is their new family time, and you will get to see the baby lots - use the time to get some lovely thoughtful gifts and maybe some pampering stuff for your sis, so when you do see her you can show your full support.

hesterton · 06/12/2014 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nunyabiz · 06/12/2014 21:00

Weirdos. (Sorry) but it is stupid seeing as it's your close family. We had friends say no visitors for 6 weeks!!! Close friends too. We decided not to visit at all. Shame but if you push people away they won't go out of their way.

Casmama · 06/12/2014 21:00

I think YANBU but you are hardly in a position to judge given that you did the same thing.

ScarlettOHaraHamilton · 06/12/2014 21:01

YANBU to be upset, because that's how you feel. Tbh I would be similar if I was in a position to just pop in for ten minutes and then leave (or stay and do something useful) but I enjoyed showing my newborn off to everyone.

However everyone is different, and equally she is NBU to want to spend the two weeks alone with her baby.

It's ok to feel how you do, but don't say anything.

Nunyabiz · 06/12/2014 21:02

Casmama she didn't do the same to her sister though did she?

elephantspoo · 06/12/2014 21:05

Isn't it up to your sister to decide who she wants to see and when? Why do you believe you have a right to impose yourself on your sister if she wants to be alone with her baby?

crumblebumblebee · 06/12/2014 21:07

YANBU but you would be if you insisted. I'm guessing this is her first and she probably had no idea of what childbirth entails when she came to visit you so soon.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/12/2014 21:10

Yanbu- but then I don't get the whole banning visitors thing at all.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 06/12/2014 21:12

I do think its odd tbh not allowing family to meet a new arrival until two weeks or more?

CrapBag · 06/12/2014 21:12

YANBU. I know she's had a baby but I guess it's quite hurtful that her own sister called the visit, you aren't just anyone. Are they including their parents in this 2 weeks?

When my sister came out of hospital, I let her know I would see her when she was ready. She was insistent that I was welcome any time. I said she probably wanted to settle at home first but she said it was fine so I did pop around early on, just without my children at first. Close family should be different IMHO, unless something traumatic has happened.

Beangarda · 06/12/2014 21:12

We had no visitors at all for three weeks. You feel how you feel, but she doesn't 'owe' you a visit just because she visited you immediately. I agree with another poster that she may be retrospectively horrified at having shown up to the hospital so soon when you had your baby, now she knows how little inclined she is to be visited...?

Nocturne123 · 06/12/2014 21:14

I completely get why you're upset but I guess there's not much you can do except respect her wishes and jonty's advice was good !

She probably is just in a bit of shock about the whole thing and I'm sure it's not personal .

meglet · 06/12/2014 21:15

Yabu. I banned visitors are my second section and had a lovely time bf in my pj's in peace.

Every birth and mother are different. She may feel awful she descended on you after just 2hrs after your section. Leave her until she feels up to visitors.

dottytablecloth · 06/12/2014 21:15

I'm due to have a section in Tuesday and I won't be having visitors for at least a week.

Last time around we were absolutely tortured with people calling at all hours and wanting a 'go' feeding the baby while I made the tea Hmm

Soooo, not happening this time around!

Her baby, her rules and you just have to get over it.

trufflesnout · 06/12/2014 21:22

Her baby, her rules and all that - but you can't say no visitors for X weeks and then be surprised if no one really cares anymore. It sounds a bit mean but people like the novelty of a newborn ime.

JammyGeorge · 06/12/2014 21:23

I can't get my head round the no visitors either, mind none of mine overstayed their welcome so I suppose it depends who your visitors are!

I think YANBU and I can see why you'd be upset, I would. However, it's her call and you've got to respect it.

Itsfab · 06/12/2014 21:26

Stop worrying about it, she might be bored of just her, husband and baby in a few days so don't say anything as you will upset people for nothing if she calls to invite you round.

Minerves · 06/12/2014 21:29

is she the kind of person who doesn't usually like having a lot of visitiors in general, not many people round the house etc?

b/c i am like that i hate having people over and only like to socialize a couple of times amonth.

if i had a baby and everyone wanted to see me it would be a hugh drain on me as i don't like being round lots of people in the first place, especially int he house when i have to make sure i've kept up with the place to make it look good and not a mess etc. even with family. no way I'd want to be keeping the house visitor ready and dealing with influx of people right after having a baby!

Beangarda · 06/12/2014 21:31

Truffle, what a strange post. Are you honestly saying that unless a newly-delivered woman accepts visitors immediately, in the 'novelty' newborn phase, even her friends and family will lose interest in her and the baby, because they've somehow gone 'stale'?...

LetticeKnollys · 06/12/2014 21:33

I definitely understand why you feel that way, but think YAB a bit U. Maybe she is finding things difficult and feels just not up to facing the world right now. Maybe she is going through some 'baby blues', or maybe she is feeling a little traumatised after the birth? I didn't really enjoy having visitors that early on because feeding wasn't going well, I was pumping constantly, cup feeding which caused a big mess and getting all upset over DS not latching on. It was really stressful having to face visitors and messed with my already difficult feeding regime.

It's a one off time in her life which is unlike any other and you don't know what's going through her head, so I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on this one and try not to let on that you were disappointed to her, because when she does invite you over she will probably need your support.

VinoTime · 06/12/2014 21:34

I didn't ban anyone after I had dd.

I did however make it very clear that I would be in my PJ's, probably exhausted and likely to go up to bed at any point in the day. I also told everybody that it was a 'help yourself' kind of deal if they were coming, meaning I wasn't making any food and I wasn't rushing about making folk tea and coffee.

It was quite nice actually. I was able to go up to bed and catch up on some much needed sleep knowing that the baby was in safe hands and being utterly fawned over Grin

dottytablecloth · 06/12/2014 21:34

In my opinion the early days of having a newborn home is to bond with the baby, enjoy having dh on paternity leave NOT to entertain people and show off the baby.

ScarlettOHaraHamilton · 06/12/2014 21:36

What if someone wants to show off the baby, dotty? Confused

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/12/2014 21:36

I've only seen this policy on mumsnet. I don't get why people can't say, 'I'm knackered- just 10 mins at a time,'etc etc.
I would be gutted if close family did this - it sends a v strong message to me- but then my dsis was at my dcs birth. We're close.