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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at not seeing baby

201 replies

Cadenza1818 · 06/12/2014 20:53

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

OP posts:

LittleBairn · 07/12/2014 12:29

I saw my Newphew less and an hour after his birth my sister might visit of we are staying in hospital (very likely) but other than that we will be asking for no visitors during DHs two weeks at home.

Becca1818 · 07/12/2014 13:05

IMO just because it may be a dn or dn or grandchild does not give automatic rights to see the baby as soon as it crowns into the world.

What frustrates me most is that no one seems to want to see how the mother is and just wants to 'play' with a newborn baby.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 13:14

What frustrates me most is that no one seems to want to see how the mother is and just wants to 'play' with a newborn baby

Really? that has been far from my experience. My family bought me meals, a gift for me and they were interested in how I was doing.

And no one is saying they should visit as soon as they crown into the world, but two weeks is a long time to keep grandparents away from their grandchild. Days? sure, two weeks? imo is that is selfish, and while it is ok to be selfish for a while after having a baby I think two weeks is taking it too far.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 07/12/2014 13:21

I think what a mother wants matters, a LOT.

But...... in all honesty, when a friend has their baby, I will move heaven and earth to see them (the mother) quickly, pop in in with a present, drop off a cake, nibbles etc, take a peek at the baby and if mother wants me to, hold her/him, take older sibling out for a walk/for the afternoon to let mother and child have a bit of a rest etc.

Make me wait 2-4 weeks while you settle down if you want, but then don't expect ME to make a bee line to you as soon as you've allowed me to visit.

It's lovely, but it's lost it's excitement that little bit.

So decide when you will allow visitors, sure, but don't expect them to come flocking to you from that point on.

MultipleMama · 07/12/2014 13:48

I was glad when we told people they could visit after a week and when they didn't swam in as they weren't that exicted anymore it was lovely to have things back to normal and have baby just blended into the whole family instead of this big mystical attraction (not that people ever made me or baby feel that way just how I precieve all the fuss some make).

And we're not selfish for wanting more than a few days to ourselves. You aren't going to make me or others feel bad for that. I wanted that time just for DH and I to enjoy our newborn and then when I had other DC. I wanted that week for the siblings to get to know the baby and bond, as it's a massive change for them and I wouldn't want them to feel less important. Although some will probably argue that visitors will give the siblings some attention as parents have been preoccupied with a new baby. Both options have merits. And parents should be left to enjoy their family and baby however they want without having to put everyone and their "I want I want" feelings first. Why can't people and family accept that? They have years to cuddle and spoil the child. A few days or 3 weeks is not going to make a difference on the child and if it does shame on those who hold that grudge.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 13:59

A quick 10 minute visit will stop children bonding with siblings?

A quick 10 minute visit will stop you and your husband enjoying your baby?

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 14:00

I am not trying to make people feel bad. I thought this was a place for opinions.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 14:42

Oh dear again MN has made me feel like a weirdo for feeling the way I do about something.

So glad DC1 was born in 1999 and I was yet to discover Mumsnet. I then found out everything I did had been wrong when I joined 3 years ago.

It's a good job there will be no more babies chez Sparkling i guess.

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2014 14:48

RL is so much simpler, Sparklingbrook.

worserevived · 07/12/2014 14:55

I quite enjoyed friends popping in for a very quick hello in the first week. I was less enamoured by the in-laws pitching up for an entire day requiring me to cook lunch. Depends on the guests!

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 14:55

Very true Mehitabel. I am very grateful for all the help with Teens, GCSEs etc now, I am sure as the fragile Mum of a newborn MN would have alarmed me somewhat.

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 15:27

sparkling we are all wrong whatever we do on mn! In rl most of us just try our best, its only on here that its so black and white.

furcoatbigknickers · 07/12/2014 15:28

Yabu

SauvignonBlanche · 07/12/2014 15:40

YANBU to be upset, I would be too, I feel sorry for your DM, I can't imagine classing your mother as a visitor but everyone's different.

MultipleMama · 07/12/2014 16:21

I never said it would stop them bonding nor did I imply it nor was that post aimed at you. But no interuptions without someone "popping in" is quite nice IMO. Saying having no visitors for a certain amount of time makes someone selfish is uncalled for you have no idea of someone's situation nor is it selfish if it's what the parents want to do. Just my opinion.

Everyone can do right for doing wrong on MN. From my experience.

Still think OP is BU some agree and some don't.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 16:24

I think my advice to any first time Mums about to give birth and reading this thread is to do whatever you like. Don't give what anyone else thinks a second thought.
Don't feel obliged to have visitors if you don't want them and your nearest and dearest should understand and respect your wishes.

Plus when your children are 15 and 13 like mine you won't even remember, and it won't matter.

eddiemairswife · 07/12/2014 16:28

I think banning visitors is extremely odd, but on the other hand, if the visitors are parents themselves surely they can't expect a very new mother to rush around providing them with food. I read on here a few weeks ago a thread from a woman who,if she gave birth in the morning, intended to wheel the pram to school that afternoon to pick up her older children because she wanted to show off the new baby.

Bowchickawowow · 07/12/2014 16:51

I am also baffled with the number of people whose visitors expected them to provide food and drink and even more so at those that did it!! Surely you would just say sod off and make me a cup of tea?!

Bellossom · 07/12/2014 17:11

I sometimes wonder if I was a weirdo feeling almost bored after the birth, I could wait to show my scrummy boy off and was dragging everyone up to the hospital I was stuck in

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 17:27

I didn't mind visitors if they phoned first but it was the turning up without warning I found hard, especially when trying to bf my first. I never banned anyone though but maybe I'm too soft. I know someone who put a do not disturb sign on her front door. People bitched about it being rude.

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 17:29

I am also baffled with the number of people whose visitors expected them to provide food and drink and even more so at those that did it!! Surely you would just say sod off and make me a cup of tea?!

Well yes, but at the same time, if you're the kind of person who really doesn't even want your own mother to see the baby for at least a fortnight after its born, I imagine you're not a freewheeling host who would welcome guests helping themselves. I suspect it probably feels like a very formal visit where the guests aren't really feeling that comfortable.

plinkyplonks · 07/12/2014 17:35

Useful thread :) Not sure what we are going to do yet - both our families live far away so visiting shouldn't really be a big issue but it doesn't mean they will likely come down to visit - arguably more intrusive than a nice 30 minute stop off.

OP - I would be a bit pissed off in your situation, but what can you do? It's her decision, as hard as it is, just learn your lesson next time by setting your own boundaries x

Bulbasaur · 07/12/2014 17:38

Yes, I'd personally be upset about not seeing my new DN, because I'd be excited and wanting to meet the new family member. But I wouldn't hold it over the mother or take it personally.

If I did it all over again, I'd tell everyone no visitors at the hospital, save for my parents and brother. I hated feeling like I had to entertain hospital guests when all I wanted was to sleep and try and establish breast feeding. As it was, after I got home, I barred visitors for a couple weeks so I could rest and get the hang of the new routine.

Becca1818 · 07/12/2014 18:16

U2 why shouldn't new parents be selfish and enjoy adjusting to their new baby and little family. I personally am dreading being descended upon by oh's over excited parents. I can't think of anything worse than trying to look reasonable and attempt to learn how to look after a newborn whilst people traipse in and out of the house. Who knows how I'll feel.

I think people need to respect the new parents wishes and stop thinking about themselves. If after the week or two they are no longer 'interested' as you say then perhaps it was best they didn't visit straight away in the first place IMO.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 18:20

I do feel a bit bad that I have never been that mad keen to go and 'meet' a new baby. It's a baby.
When people used to bring them into work I used to say hello and then busy myself elsewhere. I am not the cooey type i don't think.

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