Page 5 | to be upset at not seeing baby

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2014 07:58

I would be very upset- a new baby in a family is supposed to be a joy!
Luckily I don't know anyone who has needed 2-6 weeks to themselves.
I would be inclined to be busy once they deigned to be at home to visitors.

ToastyFingers · 07/12/2014 08:24

We let visitors come whenever they wanted after DD was born but I really wish I'd had a week just to ourselves.
My overriding memeories of my daughter's first days are of having nowhere to sit in my own home and crying in secret in the bathroom because my BILs couldn't take the hint and give me some privacy to feed my daughter.

That being said, my family weren't quite so imposing so maybe its just the inlaws haha.

Rootandbranch · 07/12/2014 08:30

I can't understand why nobody here seems to distinguish between close family and general visitors.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to keep my siblings away after my children were born - I love them!

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2014 08:32

It is close family that some want to keep away!

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2014 08:34

Reading MN you can quite see why some want to keep close family away and would much prefer general visitors!

cansu · 07/12/2014 08:41

Some People do the bridezilla style thing when they have babies. Yes of course you wouldn't have visitors every bloody day and probably not for all and sundry but you are her sister and to me this is just daft. Anyway she is likely to be bored soon and will undoubtedly change her mind and ask people to come and see her.

BlueberryWafer · 07/12/2014 08:44

My mum was at the birth of DS and my dad came by to visit pretty much straight after. DP's parents came to visit straight away too - I was still in the delivery room and hadn't even been for a bath yet. They were excited to meet their grandchild and only stayed for a quick hello then left again. The following day I had lots of visitors at both visiting times and got most of them out of the way before I went home! This meant our first days at home were just us (with the occasional visit from grandparents). Everyone is different and not everyone enjoys having lots of visitors. I did though and certainly won't be banning visitors come March when this one is due!

ScarlettOHaraHamilton · 07/12/2014 08:47

Visits are easier in hospital anyway. Not enough room for everyone to sit and make them comfy, no facilities for making them tea and coffee - easier to let them pop in there, and then have some peace and quiet at home.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 08:57

Maybe not sparkling but how does other people being in your house stop you bonding with your baby?

It had nothing to do with bonding with my baby at all. I felt fragile, tired and a bit overwhelmed and didn't want a load of visitors. I don't think that it's such a big deal.

sandgrown · 07/12/2014 09:05

I agree that it was a bit easier to regulate visits when hospital stays were longer. When I had DC there was no paternity leave but we would never have thought of shutting ourselves away. When first DS was born my mum's employer would not let her take time off to visit ( she lived 100 miles away). It was almost a week before she saw DS. I still have the letter she sent me at the time and I can tell she was crying when she wrote it as she so wanted to meet DS.

RedToothBrush · 07/12/2014 09:17

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

Just an observation here as there are a few people who have assumed that the sister 'descended' on the OP in hospital. The OP no where states that she didn't want her sister visiting or that she didn't ask her sister to come. It might be a case of playing the martyr, 'look how generous I am' in inviting my sister visit and now she is being horrid by not doing the same. The OP could have said no to visitors herself, but chose not to ultimately. I don't quite know how she can then moan about it when her sister decides to say no. You don't get to decide what your sister does at a later date by doing things a particular way.

I also think that if the sister is saying after three days she doesn't want visitors she possibly is struggling a bit and does need a bit of time.

Original poster

Cadenza1818 · 07/12/2014 09:28

Wow! Surprised at how many replies! Just to clarify, I don't give much monkeys about cuddling baby. I'm not really that fussed on babies. It's more that she was amazing to me when I had my babies, putting hoover round bringing me tea and stayed a couple of nights when do was away in week 2! She stayed up 3hrs in the middle of the night just so I could get some kip. I wacted to offer the same I guess.
What's bothering me the most is that she has to have a perfect appearing life and I know the real reason she doesn't want visitors is cos she can't appear to be 'real' with even closest family and its sad. Even my mum's banned and they're super close. Also another clarification is that I absolutely respect her rights which is why I'm posting here just needed to let off some steam!

OP posts:

Haushinka · 07/12/2014 09:39

YANBU

But I am a can't sit still, take the baby out in the pram the next day kind of person. Same when I'm ill, have to get showered, dressed etc to feel human. Could not have done 2 weeks at home

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 09:41

I am not sure OP's sister is spending two weeks inside the house is she? Just no visitors.

Haushinka · 07/12/2014 09:46

No she's not. But I know some people mentioned being at home.

Up to her but I would find it weird if my sister was out and about with or without baby but didn't want me to see them.

FollowTheStarship · 07/12/2014 09:46

i always think that the people who 'ban' their close relatives from coming to see a new baby are the same people who will be starting threads about the lack of family help six months/1 year/10 years down the line.

Well, you may be right. One reason I couldn't face any family in the first few weeks was that they are, almost all, selfish, needy, difficult and demanding. And yes, 10 years down the line I am on threads about having no family support - because they are useless, so useless I wouldn't want them to look after my kids. The two things are linked. They didn't refuse to offer childcare because I banned them in the early weeks. I banned them because seeing them in those early weeks would have been horribly hard work - and yes they still are.

As for you simon

Milk supply not coming in bean? My missis had similar problem. Luckily we managed to avoid 'lactation consultants'. I found this really good stuff at Boots. It's called 'formula.'

To me it's just affected behaviour this preciousness about when people see the baby. I bet there was none of this silly nonsense before social media came around. Wonder what say the husband gets. He ought to put his foot down and say its open all house. I would.

Well what seems clear is that you think a man's decision trumps a woman's in a relationship, even when she's just given birth and her and her baby's needs are paramount. All he needs to do is "put his foot down" and overrule her.

Your poor "missus".

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 09:47

I think a walk round the block with the pram would be a bit easier to cope with than guests in the house though.

Fabulous46 · 07/12/2014 09:48

I think it's odd not to want visitors but it depends on how close you are to family really. With my first I wanted to show him off and loved having visitors. My mum stayed with us for a week so I just sat and she ran around. With my second she stayed again. With my third I think she was fed up of my sisters and me having babies I was ecstatic to have anyone visit who would help me. By the time I had my fourth I was nearly putting a sign at the end of the road saying "all help/visitors welcome". Maybe your sister will change her mind OP and ask for help when she gets home?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/12/2014 09:49

Well yes, if your family are horrible then clearly you wouldn't want them there.
If your family are loving, supportive and kind, then I don't get the motivation at all.

FollowTheStarship · 07/12/2014 09:58

Well maybe it's not that clear cut. My sister thinks she's nice, so does my mum! But when my sister did first visit my PFB, I was regaled with a me-me-me tirade about how lucky I was to have a baby and how upset she was, and all about her woes. She was then outraged when I made her wait longer with DC2, until I was ready to handle the neediness. My mum's conversation on her early visits was all about my terrible baby weight issues and birthing failures. But ask them, and they think they are fantastic and a bundle of laughs.

And even family who are genuinely nice can be hard work if you are a very private person. MIL came at 2 weeks when DP went back to work. She bent over backwards to make me comfortable, and went shopping to get me nice food - she's a nice person. But I really just wanted to be alone with the baby, eat a pile of cakes and pasta instead of posh salad, and not have to make conversation, keep the toilet clean, wipe up the milk splats everywhere, that kind of thing.

It really does just depend on what kind of person you are - I need privacy anyway, and I found more so with a newborn. But I do think what a new mother wants matters. There are some very nasty posts on this thread suggesting that only what everyone else wants matters and she should be belittled, ignored, overruled or sneered at. Not nice.

dreamingofwineandcheese · 07/12/2014 10:00

I would feel upset if my sister had said this to me but both of us have been desperate to show eachother our babies. As a pp said though she might be feeling rough and wouldn't realise until now that's how you would have been feeling.

Each to their own but I have loved introducing my DC's to family and friends, everyone is so excited and it's so heart warming to see how a baby brings everyone together. It's very personal though. I hope you get to meet your neice/nephew soon.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:04

I have never known anyone who didn't want to show off their newborn.

I loved people coming to meet mine, it was beautiful to see everyone I loved meeting my babies.

I get wanting to limit visits. I get even putting time restrictions on visits if you aren't feeling up to much visits, but to deny close family a visit to a new family member just seems very precious. With one of mine we had arranged a visit from a family member and I was feeling a bit down. I went to my room for some space and let dh take over the rest.

I never thought I had to entertain the guests or look decent or have a tidy house. They were coming to see the baby and I was capable of telling family members that I wanted a quick visit if that was all I could manage.

Precious behaviour that makes me roll my eyes, and yes, I know how hard births can be, how shitty you can feel, but two weeks?? a couple of days I can see, but two weeks? I really hope people wouldn't deny their parents/inlaws for seeing their gc for two weeks.

Precious behaviour and a quick visit does not stop you bonding with a baby.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/12/2014 10:06

Having a baby than banning visitors is very precious and a sure fire way of telling family and friends they are not important.

I don't know anybody in real life who bans visitors after having a baby. It just seems so odd.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 10:07

It never occurred to me to 'show off' my baby. I must be a bit of a weirdo.

formerbabe · 07/12/2014 10:10

I wouldn't count my sister as a 'visitor', in the sense that I wouldn't care what state I was in, what I looked like, entertaining her, making her a cup of tea etc....she would be a help not a hindrance. I think its a little odd.