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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at not seeing baby

201 replies

Cadenza1818 · 06/12/2014 20:53

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

OP posts:

simontowers2 · 06/12/2014 21:38

The two week rule - both you and her - sounds ridiculously precious and childish. I think you both have some growing up to do. It's a baby ffs, something to be celebrated; it's not like you're being treated for cancer. Jesus.

misskangaandroo2014 · 06/12/2014 21:39

I definitely wished I had imposed 'no visitors rules' luckily parents all thought it was reasonable to stay away when i was in hospital. But as i was there a few hours they saw first thing in the morning as perfectly fine

FollowTheStarship · 06/12/2014 21:40

YABU to think that because you allowed her to visit you the same day, she should do the same. People are different and she may have her own personal reasons for not wanting to see anyone. The fact that you are put out and annoyed about it suggests you are more interested in your wish to see her baby, than in her getting whatever it is that she really needs at this point.

The nice thing to do would be to say of course, you just let me know when you are ready and remember I'm always here if you need anything doing etc.

simontowers2 · 06/12/2014 21:43

It's an absolutely stupid rule, end of. Ludicrously self important.

FollowTheStarship · 06/12/2014 21:45

Bloody hell simontowers, I'm guessing you haven't experienced a difficult birth, baby blues or pnd??? When a woman has a baby she needs to be as well and relaxed as she can be in order to care for and bond with her baby. For some women that may mean being surrounded by 45 family members passing the baby round - for others it may mean being in their own little bubble and left alone.

I was the latter and it's not because I need to grow up. But I am quite anxious and an introvert and had found the birth emotionally exhausting as well as physically. Seeing people is draining for me, even friends, even when I want to - so it was a time to give myself a break from that.

Newborn babies are not everyone's property.

Thewrongmans · 06/12/2014 21:45

I agree with a PP and when we were told we couldn't visit for a number of weeks, we never did get round to it. I couldn't wait to show off my little babies.

Purplepoodle · 06/12/2014 21:45

I didn't mind visitors in first two weeks as Dh was off work. We asked everyone to come between 2-4 (pre arranging days so only one set per day). Perfect excuse for me to bugger off to bed and leave dh to entertain visitors and baby - I'm mean lol

Sparklingbrook · 06/12/2014 21:45

I can totally understand people not wanting visitors straight away. I didn't want anyone at all visiting me in hospital, then a few days on our own once I was home.

2 weeks seems a long time though, especially for your own sister.

Sundayskiver · 06/12/2014 21:47

Please try to be gentle and sympathetic. I vividly remember weeping with humiliation at 5 days postpartum after a visiting family member went into the bathroom after I'd finished. I had a nasty infection and couldn't even use the toilet without leaving traces of blood and wee spattered around the bathroom. So yes, at that point I'd have done anything to keep visitors away.

dottytablecloth · 06/12/2014 21:50

Scarlett that's different then, they should go for it.

However the pressure to have open house for people to drop by as they please is awful. It was a huge shock to me coming home with a newborn, I'd never really even held a baby before and I just wanted peace and quiet. What I got was people popping in, expecting tea and to be entertained.

This time I will be having my peace and quiet and its certainly was not out of self importance to the ridiculous poster who mentioned something along these lines up thread. It's personal choice.

katienana · 06/12/2014 21:52

I would be concerned rather than annoyed. keep texting to make sure she is ok, see if there is anything she needs.

Hulababy · 06/12/2014 21:52

I would have been upset if I hadn't be allowed to visit my sister and new nephew til at least 2 weeks after his birth. But that's probably because I know there is no way it would happen with my sister, and lhe same would have been for her when my DD was born.

My sister came to the hospital 2 days after my cs the first day she was able to get home from university to visit. She actually came home with us as i was discharged when she was there. I was over the moon to have her there. Likewise - when my nephew was born I was there by day 2, with DD, visiting my sister and baby once she was home - even paid to stay in a hotel especially to give her some space.

To be fair I have yet to come across anyone who has wanted to stay home alone with no visitors. All my friends have wanted visitors from the start, with first babies and even when on babies 2 or 3. So it would be very unusual for me. With one friend I was invited within 24 hours of the birth home) and when I had DD I couldn't wait to show her off to all and sundry!

I guess with a friend it wouldn't bother e so much and I would just accept that was their way. With my immediate family I would feel more upset by it.

Boomtownsurprise · 06/12/2014 21:53

Mums choice. She just spent x hrs shooting it out of her fanny or having it pulled out of her. Imo her way only.

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 06/12/2014 21:54

Two weeks does sound like a long time but there are so many variables. I'm sure the OP is lovely but maybe there are other less lovely relatives about. At least a two week unilateral blanket ban is

easy for everyone to understand and cuts out any accusations of favouritism.

I always had an open door policy but I don't know anyone who would expect me to wait on them or who would be offended if I told them they had to leave because I was knackered.

It would have driven me crazy if I had been stuck at home with no visitors and a new born. I used to take my new babies out to other people's houses even if I smelt of milk and looked like a dogs dinner

SweetsForMySweet · 06/12/2014 22:01

My sister had a baby two weeks ago (not their first) and we're still not allow see the baby. My parents had to beg to be allowed see their new grandchild last week(and her dh's parents haven't seen the baby yet). I was upset at the start, now I don't care. It's typical of her and just more of her self absorbed selfish behaviour. I hope you get to see your dn soon.

ChickenMe · 06/12/2014 22:01

It's her choice. She might change her mind.
Personally, I'm terrified of people descending. But we are just going to say "we will let you know" so we can see how we are.
I understand that you're a bit put out tho-it could make you feel unwanted.

Discopanda · 06/12/2014 22:02

YANBU for feeling upset BUT I would recommend googling the fourth trimester, it's a school of thought that states basically that babies should have as much closeness and bonding with their mothers in the early days as possible as the outside world is such a big shock.
It's a personal choice.

simontowers2 · 06/12/2014 22:06

To me it's just affected behaviour this preciousness about when people see the baby. I bet there was none of this silly nonsense before social media came around. Wonder what say the husband gets. He ought to put his foot down and say its open all house. I would.

SisterMoonshine · 06/12/2014 22:07

Oh this is just the start!
I see some great pfb threads ahead

Sparklingbrook · 06/12/2014 22:07

I suppose it it a bit strange when you think about it. Wanting to see and meet a baby who doesn't even know anything about it. It's a baby. What do people want to see?

feelingunsupported · 06/12/2014 22:08

Yanbu - I'd be really hurt too. I guess everyone is different though.

Ds was prem and poorly - people assumed we'd not want visitors on nicu but I was desperate for people to meet him (just in case they never got to if I'm honest) and wanted to be like a normal mum able to show off my baby.

ThePinkOcelot · 06/12/2014 22:11

I think the whole banning visitors is totally shite. I would be inclined to not dash over when the 2 weeks are up. How precious and entitled.

Boomtownsurprise · 06/12/2014 22:12

Sparkling having had two id agree. Seriously it will just look a bit less scrunched or frog like. It still won't know op. Won't care either

It's not affected either, to the other poster. Just choice.

Sparklingbrook · 06/12/2014 22:16

I did feel like people wanted to come and 'inspect' DS1. lots of calls to come and visit especially from people I didn't see that much of.

He's a bald boy baby, and no he doesn't look either more like me or DH yet.

He's 15 now. I only half filled in his baby book and left the 'First Visitors' page blank and now I can't remember.

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 06/12/2014 22:16

Sparkling . I think brand new babies are the cutest thing ever. They have the cutest little expressions.

It's all downhill from there though.

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