to be upset at not seeing baby

[Cadenza1818]

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

Hmmm, it's just such a personal thing?

I don't think anyone should ever push a new Mum on it, regardless of how much you want to see baby.

I saw my sister's youngest a mere hour after he arrived. She saw my first born the day after he arrived but that's only as he came in the middle of the night. My sister would have been there within half an hour had I given birth in the daytime.

As long close family members don't have any issues with boundaries per say most of them will have the sense to pop in, have a cuddle with Mum and baby and then toddle off.

That said I did find my array of visitors really interrupted me establishing BF'ing (we have 6 brothers between us and both our Dad's - most of whom popped in to see baby within 24h and I felt the need to kind of be discreet for them??)

Bet you would be over grandchildren though Sparkling?

Becca, like I said, nothing wrong with being selfish for a few days but I think two weeks is taking it a bit far with close family members. I remember how much my children's gps were excited over meeting their gc. To deny them that visit for two weeks seem really mean. I don't see them as visitors though, family members who are there for the good times and the bad. My husband wanted his parents to see his child as well. I am close enough to my family though to tell them that I have had enough and would like them to leave and they wouldn't take offence.

I never felt that I had to look ok though. No one expects a new mother to sit there with her hair and make up done. No one said that people have to traipse in and out of the house. We are talking about a quick arranged visit with parents/siblings. I completely understand limiting visits and the time they can stay for, but a full ban on visiting for two weeks?

I would respect it in the sense that I would keep away and not make a fuss. I would smile politely and say ok, but I would be hurt if my sister or child told me I had to wait two weeks to visit. I would also think they were being very precious.

But obviously we aren't going to agree on this.

overuse of the word though.

I don't think I will be U2. I have two boys and will be quite happy to respect any potential DIL's wishes regarding visiting, and won't be camping out at the hospital and stuff.

They can just let us know when they are ready, because I know how it feels.

You might respect it but you won't be dying to get your hands on your grandchild?

mind you, I love babies. I want to cuddle every baby I see.

No I don't think so U2. I will just want to know mother and child are ok, then wait for an invitation.

I will pop upstairs and ask DS1 (15) what he thinks in a bit.

I just asked my 15 year old.

He said I can visit once every two months

I don't think any of us, even those who have had babies, can know what any specific mother feels like before and after birth. It's a stressful, scary time, lots of conflicting emotions and strong hormones are coursing through your body. Sister has put limits on visiting not because she's horrible or out of spite or because she is being 'precious'. Those limits at two weeks are unusually long perhaps but not unreasonable. You have to trust her.

Of course it's isolating and upsetting not to see the baby when you want to. I didn't see much of my dN when she was as born as I had a cold and felt the same way.

But if you really love your sister and your DN you will respect her wishes with as good a grace as you can muster. You have the baby's whole life to be an amazing auntie and to love her and help bring her up. Two weeks is nothing.

A mum has hardly any control over anything at this point, so if she can control this - just let her. If her own sister can't empathise enough to give her some space, then who can?

Just as an aside - I did some crazy behaviour around pregnancy, birth and the first few months. With all the sleep deprivation and stress, no wonder. Luckily my family and friends gave me the benefit of the doubt.

I love my family and am very close to them but was very surprised when they descended en masse to visit less than 24 hrs after giving birth. Because they all live at least 200 miles away every visit in the hospital lasted hours and hours. I didn't sleep at all the first night in hospital and could really have done with an afternoon nap the next day but I couldn't turn them away as they'd come so far. That second night in hospital I was seeing things scurrying around in the corner of my eye at 2am thanks to sleep deprivation and had a bit of a meltdown.

We even ran out of things to talk about they were around for so long! My husband also had to stay up for ages each night entertaining my dad when he needed to sleep too.

This time I'm going to say that I need four days/nights to recover from the birth!

If they were local I'd have no problem with them visiting for ten mins on day 1 or 2 but because they aren't I can see no other way.

YABU. If that's what she wants to happen, deal with it. None of this is about you. She will be totally shell shocked, stressed and exhausted, and all she needs to be focussing on is her recovery, and her baby. You don't have to understand it. Just respect it.

YABU. It's your sister's baby so it's her choice.

Personally I've had 5 DC and had different views about visitors, depending on how I was feeling at the time. I definitely didn't want visitors when the midwife was there and asking me if I'd pooed yet. Neither did I want anyone who moaned when the baby needed feeding when it was their "turn" for a cuddle.

DS4 was in NICU/SCBU for 4 weeks. I didn't want anyone visiting him apart from me, DH and the DC's (it was parents and siblings only in NICU and grandparents as well in SCBU anyway) when he was in hospital. Most people respected that although StepGMIL visited him anyway (I was furious and so was DH).

I went to see DN when she was 5 days old, after telling SIL that it was fine if she wanted to cancel or chuck us out at any time.

A quick visit with a hug and something nice as present for mum and baby .
I would as a mother in law and hopefully a respectful MIL give my DIL a hug and adore new baby from a distance unless asked .
To be told wait for two weeks makes me sad . I would never stay too long . Ten minutes max.

If this happened to me I would wonder what the hell had gone wrong and it would make me apprehensive to visit later

Because it is their grandchild, niece/nephew? of course they so much about my new baby.

So what if you are grandparent/aunt whatever? I have two nieces, one who arrived two weeks ago who I adore and love seeing at any given time I can. But you know what, if I had to wait a few weeks until I saw them as newborns, then that's fine. Because I have the rest of our lives to enjoy being an auntie.

Excitement is perfectly natural but any family members or friends bleating about not getting to see the newborn because the mother has asked for some privacy in her first couple of weeks are thinking of themselves, not the mother. In my book that's pretty selfish.

If you want to have visitors straight away, that's great. If you don't want to, that's also great. We're all different and there's no right or wrong way. People need to stop being so judgmental.

I am not the cooey type i don't think.

That's a sinful thing to say on MN, sparkling. You can have your own children & love them to bits, but if you don't find other small people particularly enthralling (related or not) then you either get abuse or a knowing smile and "you will one day". Infuriating.

Actually, I like babies but I have very little interest in other children who aren't closely related to me.

And no one gave Sparkling a knowing smile.. I asked her if she thinks it would change when/if she has gc, hence the question marks.

I did think after I had my own i would be all over other people's newborns but sadly not.

When people have a new cat/ kitten I am round there like a shot though.

I used to love all children, until I had my own.

I love newborns still. I am done having children but I do miss the newborn stage.

Not puppies Sparkling?

Ooh no U2, I don't like dogs much.

I did far too much & saw far too many people in the two weeks after I had DD. It didn't bother me at the time but I wouldn't have done it again had I had a second child.

Having said that, I think banning immediate family from even a brief visit for the first couple of weeks is a bit OTT.

Just for you

Cute and v cuddly looking U2.

Sorry U2, wasn't intentionally referring to your posts. Kitty is gorgeous!

I know what you meant truffle I did feel like I was 'confessing' to not being that enthralled with other folks newborns. It's all about other folk's teens for me at the moment, and I like them a lot better.