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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at not seeing baby

201 replies

Cadenza1818 · 06/12/2014 20:53

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

OP posts:
LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 10:10

What if some aquaintence shows up at her door? She's unlikely to turn them away then they will see the baby before family. Yanbu to be hurt but you have to respect her rules and hope she changes her mind! Maybe text in a few days and offer to come and help.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:13

I do wonder if this is usually a first baby thing.

When I had my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th they just had to fit in. Life had to return to our normal routine. I wasn't going to stop gp coming round to see the other children just because I had a baby. You don't get to be so precious, life just carried on.

notquiteruralbliss · 07/12/2014 10:15

I guess everyone is different. And if DSis wants to maintain an illusion of everything being perfect, then maybe she wants to wait until she has things more under control. When my DCs were born (at home) we had MIL visit pretty much before we could open the champagne and in one case, we also had a friend staying over and at the birth. When I visit people with tiny babies, I don't expect to be entertained. That would be odd. I am there to run errands and to help.

Lunastarfish · 07/12/2014 10:16

I am currently thinking about this issue with my unborn child. I now feel quite bad descending on my sister 22 hours after she gave birth, particulalry when we she was living in less than an ideal situation and in hindsight probably just wanted to be left alone.

At the moment I am happy, and would prefer, family and friends to visit in hospital. Ideally, i'll then have a day or 2 at home alone before anyone else visits. However, my family live over an hours train ride away so I know it may be difficult for them to visit so will just let them come when they are ready. But I am NOT playing hostess that's for sure.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:17

You didn't want people to meet your baby? I wanted my family, the family I love dearly who are a huge part of my life to meet my child.

They have been in my life forever. Of course I wanted them to meet my child. I didn't want to randomly show off my baby to the whole world, but to the people who are hugely important in my life and have been for years? yep. I don't mean show it off like it is some prize so that was probably the wrong word to use, but I think you know what I meant.

I don't see family as visitors either. They don't give a crap what I look like, what my house looks like, they just wanted to see me and meet their new relative and share in our happiness.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 10:17

Would it matter if an acquaintance met the baby before family though? I guess the neighbours may even see the baby. Shock

I remember when DC1 was about 2 weeks old and a close friend of DH's was passing, so we said he could call in, but he refused as his wife would have been angry that he had seen the baby before her. Confused The came together the next day. Hmm

formerbabe · 07/12/2014 10:17

When I visit people with tiny babies, I don't expect to be entertained. That would be odd. I am there to run errands and to help.

Me too...but many on here including me are lucky enough Hmm to have in laws who are quite the opposite of this!!

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 10:18

U2 Thinking back, with my first I hated the constant visitors and found it stressful but with my second I quite enjoyed people popping in. My dsis had a baby recently and I was so excited to see him I can relate to the op feeling a bit hurt.

momwhereismy · 07/12/2014 10:19

Two weeks is a long time for close family. Whatever about saying a day or two to yourself or the day you come out of hospital but two weeks?!
I'd have gone out of my mind! No one that's visiting is going to judge you if you are in your pyjamas or whether you are in bed. Maybe saying to friends to hold off I could get my head around but if my friends came to visit they know where the kettle is. I find it bizzare tbh as only for my sister taking over from my husband I wouldn't have coped after section

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 10:21

sparkling I'm more thinking it would make the sister feel awkward if that happens, two weeks is a long time to keep people away! I had loads of people just turn up, I would always phone first but some people don't think.

livingzuid · 07/12/2014 10:25

My DH and I didn't want to show off our baby at all. We wanted to enjoy time with her to ourselves as long as possible. I have bipolar and was expected to be in hospital for five days. We then had the added complication of her being in NICU for ten days before we could take her home. Both of us developed Strep B and I have never been so terrified of anything in my entire life than waking up to find my baby missing and instead attached to numerous wires (grateful looking back for the care and attention but utterly petrified at the time). The LAST thing I wanted for weeks after was to see anyone. I had to recover from what happened. Add to that trying to recover from a 30 hour labour. I have heard stories from friends who had C-Sections be in so much pain for weeks afterwards they could barely get up out of bed.

Quite how so many posters feel it is a god-given right to descend on a new family I don't quite understand. As to it being precious to not wanting to share a newborn round, well one could argue that wanting to show it off is just as precious and ostentatious behaviour. It can be flipped the other way. How much more showing-off can you get? Why should anyone else care so much about your new baby? I am smitten by mine, but I don't expect other people to show the same level of interest. The overwhelming attention my DH gets from MIL creeps me out a bit.

I'm always delighted with new additions to my friend and family circle but will always wait to hear from the mother before I assume I can go and call round. Sometimes that's been after a few days, sometimes it has been months. It doesn't bother me and it certainly doesn't affect the relationship.

YABU. Why can't we appreciate that we are all different? What worked for you is not going to work for her. Right now it is all about her and not you - you sound a bit self absorbed tbh.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:25

And we aren't talking about two days here, but two weeks.

That is crazy.

livingzuid · 07/12/2014 10:26

Ooops DD gets from MIL not DH. He's been shoved to one side in favour of the grandchild!

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:28

I guess I never thought it was all about me when I had my children.

And yeah, I did expect my family to be smitten with their new family member and they were. We are talking about close family here. I don't think wanting my family to meet their grandchildren, nephew/niece is precious behaviour. We aren't talking about inviting the postman in here.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2014 10:30

why should anyone else care so much about your new baby?

Because it is their grandchild, niece/nephew? of course they so much about my new baby.

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 10:35

living Think its the length of time thats bothering the op, wanting a couple of days peace is understandable after having a baby! I know someone who had a friend plaster photos all over Facebook of her baby before she even got to tell people he was born Hmm

crumblebumblebee · 07/12/2014 10:46

OP, you sound really lovely. Do you think your sis would be cross if you made them a few dinners for the freezer and dropped them 'round? That might be a foot in the door, so to speak.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/12/2014 10:54

YANBU - but you can't really say anything in this situation Sad

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 10:54

Foot in the door? Shock

crumblebumblebee · 07/12/2014 11:04

Yes, to build a bridge and offer support. I didn't mean literally a foot in the door of her home. Wink

LoisHatesChristmas · 07/12/2014 11:26

I would text first and not just show up but definitely leave it if she says no.

MultipleMama · 07/12/2014 11:33

I'm very very close to my family and they love me and understand that I want time to adjust to having another new baby and are happy to wait until I'm upto visitors. They offer their help and called occassionally to see how I and the baby was which was nice.

A walk round the block is better than being stuck in the house all the time. I say a polite hello to passerbys because it would be rude not to but I don't chitchat.

DS is 7 week old now and no-one will see him properly until my dad and brothers arrives for Xmas on 19th. Then we will sort visiting out.

I think it's the parents choice and people should just accept that. Neither way is showing off or being selfish. You can bond and enjoy the new arrivial either way. Shouldn't have to be a big deal and no one should be made to fee bad.

Gem124 · 07/12/2014 11:59

I'd be absolutely heartbroken. I had to wait 24 hours to see my sis and Nephew after he was born and it was traumatic so no visitors allowed until next morning then I was at work and it was awful. I was desperate to see how she was and to meet her son xx

KitCat26 · 07/12/2014 12:20

Yanbu to let off steam here, but she'll know where you are if she needs you. Perhaps drop her a text asking if there's anything she needs after the first week?

My bro and parents came to see me in hospital when DD1 was born. She was about 3hours old... Tbf he looks quite bored in the pictures Grin. I loved the visitors. I'd had a horibble birth, been to theatre for repairs and just wanted some friendly faces who would bring food! MIL and BIL visited at home next day. And it was lovely to see MIL's face. She thought she'd never have any grandchildren.

But my visitors were all the good sorts who brought biscuits and didn't stay too long. Apart from my mum, she stayed much longer, but I was delighted about that!

Pengyquin · 07/12/2014 12:27

I'd respect her wishes but maybe gently remind her that she descended on you two hours after a c section! I agree..she probably now can't believe she did that. I guess it depends how close the two of you are.