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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at not seeing baby

201 replies

Cadenza1818 · 06/12/2014 20:53

My sis gave birth 3 days ago and basically she doesn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I did the same with outsiders but she came to the hospital about 2hours after my section. I know everyones different but feel a bit hurt that I can't say a quick hi. I'd never stay long or expect tea. Families eh?!

OP posts:

Beangarda · 06/12/2014 23:48

Not really, Thewrong, in the really early days I was pretending to be fine while having full blown hallucinations - which I did so well that I went undiagnosed for quite some time - and pumping every two hours day and night while trying to feed with nipple shields and no supply. My husband got alarmed when i stopped being able to speak English, and words were coming out in other languages, but I still thought I was speaking English. I was a wreck. The last thing I needed was a crowd of sympathetic onlookers in our tiny flat.

I realise my experience isn't typical, but a significant minority of women do need time to adjust to having a baby and find the beginning difficult. Obviously it's great if having people around helps, but i think it's short-sighted to think someone who wants privacy to work things out is 'affected' or 'self-important' or any of the huffy epithets that have been thrown around on the thread.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 23:49

YANBU to be upset that your sister can't spare you 10 mins to meet your niece. Who actually does this in real life? I've only ever heard of it on MN.

Cherrychocolate · 06/12/2014 23:56

I liked people visiting, it was all part of the experience for me. A new baby is so exciting for all the family, it seems really mean to 'ban' people.

YANBU.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 00:02

I guess that everyone is different. Some people want a houseful of guests waiting for their return from the hospital, and some would rather have time to get home and comfortable, however long that takes.

I am very happy to wait for an invitation myself, whenever they are ready. I wouldn't dream of asking to go round or turning up at the hospital.

Strokethefurrywall · 07/12/2014 00:03

I've not met anyone who does this in real life - we had visitors at the hospital within hours of having both kids and as I suspected, they all bought with them a steady supply of mini eggs, beer and enough food to last us an age.

Likewise, my friend gave birth on my birthday and I went in to see her and she was still in her delivery room. Didn't hold the baby or anything, but just dropped off goodies and my congratulations.

I get that some people don't want visitors but for me, living in a place where none of us have our families nearby, having our friends in and spoiling us was lovely. And nobody expected tea!

I would have been devastated not to have met my niece for weeks, as it was I didn't meet her for 5 days buts only because I had a dreadful case of tonsilitis at the time!

I feel for you OP

CuntCourtIsInSession · 07/12/2014 00:14

I do think it's the parents' right to do what they feel is best in this situation - but I am aghast at how many of you know people who apparently have to be entertained and made tea. Surely if they're not close enough to muck in and, you know, actually help, then they're not close enough to give a toss about the new baby anyway?

Jackw · 07/12/2014 00:23

Managing a new baby in front of more experienced parents is difficult. Perhaps she wants to get comfortable/more confident first.

Sparklingbrook · 07/12/2014 00:24

Visitors shouldn't be there long enough to need refreshments ideally.

funkyfoam · 07/12/2014 00:26

Seeing my parents and the rest of the family's faces light up when introduced to my new babies (within hours of all three sections) was the best thing ever. I'm surprised people don't want this experience. Friends were all welcome too. YANBU

trufflesnout · 07/12/2014 00:30

Sorry for slow reply Bean, but yeah. Or rather, yes in my family.

I had a crappy delivery and didn't have visitors while I recovered. My family decided they didn't want to travel to visit us once I'd started to feel better (DD around 6/8 wks) and they would wait to meet her at next family do. Another baby had been born by then and the novelty of DD had worn off for them.

I am aware my family are odd, though.

trufflesnout · 07/12/2014 00:33

Sorry, that makes it sound like no one met DD until she was 8 weeks. They did, just not my family. I wasn't well enough to travel and they decided not to travel to us, so they ended up meeting her when she was a little older at a family event.

MultipleMama · 07/12/2014 00:33

We had a week of no visitors for our DC. We wanted to enjoy bonding with DC and not have to keep entertaing people when I just wanted to settle into a routine. We sent a picture attachment with an email/birth announcement card and gave them the basics. After the week was up they had to call, no "pop in" visits until I felt comfortable enough to be caught unaware and a complete mess.

I have DS in NICU and so far only my DC have seen him and spent time with him. My BiLs saw him for a quick glance then left as they respected our wishes.

If it's "just a baby" and nothing to fuss over then there's no harm in waiting until the mother feels ready to face visitors.

It's up to the parents.

Just because she indruded on your time doesn't mean you can hers. That's childish. YAB a bit U.

If you want to see the baby that much it upsets you; ask for a picture to tide you over...

MultipleMama · 07/12/2014 00:43

My ex-SIL also waited a 3 weems before her parents and DH's parents could see the babies when they were born. I politely sent her and BIL a text sending my congratulations and hoping they were all well and doing well. I got a reply and a few pictures in return which was lovely (I was in a different country so made no real difference to me). All parents were upset and miffed but they dealt with it. BiL was happy to show them all photos before they could visit.

I've known a few friends who wanted no visitors. The only person who wanted visitors was my cousin.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 07/12/2014 01:56

My mum looked after my older kids while I gave birth to dd. She was here for a few days afterwards. I came home the same day after giving birth even though I should have stayed in. (Kicked out too early). I didn't restrict visits as people seemed to seemed to regulate themselves. I wish I could have sent my mum home. I didn't breast feed dd so was ff her. I was sat on my special donut shaped cushion with her in my arms. My mum came in to the room, took her off me and said " here, let me help with the feeds. You go make me a coffee and a sandwich." I was so pissed off the that I just marched upstairs, soaked my 100+ infected stitches and fucked off to bed for 4 hours.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 07/12/2014 02:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CattyCatCat · 07/12/2014 02:10

Be an ice princess and 'Let It Go'.Seriously, just chill. Imo, more mums should call the shots. Birth is pretty hard, time to recover is good if that is what mum wants.

ChineseFireball · 07/12/2014 02:26

I think this just goes to show that people feel differently about this.

Personally, I feel as Sparkling does. When DC1 was born we had already advised people that we had a "no visitors for 2 weeks" rule. No idea how any of us were going to feel, no idea how feeding was going to go, no idea what state, mentally or physically, I was going to be in. I didn't plan on entertaining anyone just after giving birth. We will have the same rule in place after DC2 is born.

However, what actually happened with DC1 was that things went fairly well and we felt comfortable to visit others and have people visit us before the 2 weeks were up. And because it was sooner than expected people weren't disappointed at having to wait longer before seeing the new baby. We did it on our terms when we were ready and because people were not expecting early visits it wasn't a problem.

IMO nobody has the 'right' to visit someone else's new baby, but new parents or parents of a new baby absolutely have the right to decide who visits and when.

OP I think YABU, sorry, but you do have lots of time to meet and get to know your new niece or nephew. Your sister gets first dibs on the early days and is perfectly within her rights to keep them to herself.

Congratulations on auntie-hood though!

Thewrongmans · 07/12/2014 06:12

The baby at 2 days old isn't actually experiencing the 'love and excitement' though is it? I did not want a 'wider range of people' in my house either.

Maybe not sparkling but how does other people being in your house stop you bonding with your baby?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/12/2014 07:11

I certainly wouldn't want a wide range of people in the house while establishing bf coping with stitches etc...but do loved mothers and sisters count as random people? I'm surprised they do.

pinkr · 07/12/2014 07:23

Jeez are people really so precious they won't let a close family member visit? We're not talking about friends or the lady down the street. We're talking about someone who's seen everything growing up. A bit of mess, a weeping mum, pnd. ...whatever. they've seen you growing up ffs

pinkr · 07/12/2014 07:24

I phoned my dad when I was in recovery with cs about five mins after being wheeled out of theatre. I couldn't wait for him and my sister to get there...but they had to wait till morning asi had dd at three am.

nooka · 07/12/2014 07:27

It seems very sad to ban close family. I had two c-sections and loved having visitors when I was in hospital as otherwise I was bored and lonely. When I got home my mother visited and cooked lovely food and generally cherished me. She would have been very hurt to be shut out. My ILs visited, and it was much better to have them in the two weeks when dh was home as I didn't really know them very well. They didn't stay for long and their visit didn't affect my bonding with my babies or put me out. I can't remember if my siblings were able to visit that early, but as I love them I would have been happy to have them, and to get advice and support from the two that had already had children.

lanbro · 07/12/2014 07:31

My parents and pils came to hospital, sister and sils came the evening I was home, I visited my sister at hospital. YANBU but not much you can do about it!

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2014 07:45

I find the policing of visitors very odd- however since OP did it she can't complain! Just because she made exceptions for close family doesn't mean that others will do the same. Maybe they prefer close friends or nobody.

turningvioletviolet · 07/12/2014 07:53

i always think that the people who 'ban' their close relatives from coming to see a new baby are the same people who will be starting threads about the lack of family help six months/1 year/10 years down the line.

My family would have been utterly bewildered if i'd imposed a time ban on them coming to see the new arrivals (and all 3 of mine were in NICU). As i would be if any of my dcs did the same to me. I'd accept it but i would be devastated. Yes, devastated. I don't think i'm hyperbolising there.

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