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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
TimelyNameChangey · 02/12/2014 22:40

Why doesn't he live with you? That's a very odd set up to start with. It indicates a huge lack of commitment to you from him.

Does he work?

You need to move in together and split the money available properly to running the house, paying bills etc...

ilikebaking · 02/12/2014 22:41

Well, you made your bed, don't you have to lie in it now?
I agree it's massively unfair, all men should contribute, but if you are not going to ensure they do prior to having their offspring, how can we all help?
Stop the bf sleeping over, go to his, insist he gives you money. ...

Lomega · 02/12/2014 22:42

Yes he should contribute - the baby is half his as well!

I don't think a monthly contribution would be unreasonable to go towards living costs and baby expenses especially as he is there half the week. I know that SMP is pretty low as well (it left me with literally nothing once my direct debits/bills had come out) so he needs to realise you need support too whilst looking after his child.

Even if he bought, say, x1 pack nappies a week, x1 tin formula a week and then gave you extra money for odd bits and bobs for baby (ie wet wipes, clothes etc) then I don't think that'd be unreasonable.

grocklebox · 02/12/2014 22:43

Of course its unfair. But why are you only complaining now, instead of sorting it out long before now?

also, you mean bought, not brought.

youareallbonkers · 02/12/2014 22:43

Well as always I'm going to ask why you had a baby with hi
a. At all
B.without sorting these things out 1st

CocktailQueen · 02/12/2014 22:43

Well, when you decided to have dc with this man, did you talk about who would buy what, and how much each of you would spend? If not, sit down and have a frank discussion about him manning up and supporting his dc.

Why do you not live together?

qazxc · 02/12/2014 22:46

I think that you need to sit down and work out a budget with him. Show him how much this baby costs ( formula, nappies, clothes, cot, pram, etc....). And then work out an amount he is to give every week.

SpringBreaker · 02/12/2014 22:55

the name is cocklodger not partner

LadyLuck10 · 02/12/2014 23:11

Why why why do People bring children into these situations. Did you not discuss this at all with him before having a bAby??

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2014 23:12

If he won't pay (and why wasn't this sorted before?) I wouldn't be having a relationship with him and I'd be having a chat with the CSA.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/12/2014 23:21

Jesus...vipers out in force tonight.

We have no clue about the OP situation, back story or circumstances. Stop judging.

In answer to your question OP, yes, he should be contributing. A lot more than a tin of formula and one bag of nappies. I'd look at the CSA rate if I were you.

SpringBreaker · 02/12/2014 23:23

I think the op has given plenty info for us to comment on her situation

whois · 02/12/2014 23:25

Why why why do People bring children into these situations. Did you not discuss this at all with him before having a bAby??

Word.

fatlazymummy · 02/12/2014 23:30

timely perhaps the op doesn't want him to live with her. Wisely, IMO.
Yes he should be contributing firstly for his child's care, and secondly for food, electricity ,water, etc that he uses for the 3-4 days that he spends at yours. I would ask for a weekly or monthly contribution, in cash.
I don't know what to suggest if he refuses to do this. obviously that's your decision.

Katinkka · 02/12/2014 23:32

Are you 'living apart together' for benefit purposes?

Devora · 02/12/2014 23:40

Wowzers, some spiky responses on this thread. OP, you sound undermined and lacking confidence in what you are entitled to expect. You need to be clear with your dp about the costs incurred in parenting - not just the direct costs of clothes and food, but the indirect (but more significant) costs of larger accommodation, not working etc. Is this his first child? It may not be obvious to him.

Or he may just not care, in which case you are on different territory. But there is absolutely no reason why you have to live in poverty while he treats fatherhood as his cheapest hobby.

itsbetterthanabox · 02/12/2014 23:44

Ask him for a set amount a week. Also moving in would be much cheaper for you both but do you want to live with him if he's such a neglectful parent?
If he refuses to pay you can contact the CSA whether you are in a relationship or not and he will have some of his wages taken and given to you for the child.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2014 23:45

It's not just the cost of the baby. The 'D' P is living there half the week without paying anything.

Does he live with his parents the rest of the time?

NotGoingOut17 · 03/12/2014 00:08

I think a little unfair is massively understating it OP. it's outrageous, He sounds like he has too much growing up to do before being a capable Father.

You should definitely raise this with him now before it gets too late. Disgusted on your behalf - I think I've spent more on my best friend's baby than he has on his own child. Please speak to him about this and tell him it needs to change.

DixieNormas · 03/12/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 03/12/2014 00:24

Definitely charge him at the very least the CSA rate and for the extra costs of having him in your home.
Not forgetting to leave him in charge of the baby at least for at least a day or so.

I understand you may not want to live with him. Fair enough, particularly if he is like this, but then why stay in a relationship if he treats you like his nanny and free meal and house ticket, plus sex on tap.

What do you get from this relationship?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/12/2014 00:59

Lots of people prefer not to live together for many reasons it is a perfectly valid relationship choice.

yes op he should be contributing but it sounds like he is in a round about sort of a way.

What is his income? its possible that his contribution towards your baby could be less than the formula and nappies its also possible that it could be more this is all income dependant.

As for him staying with you. If he is providing himself with accommodation elsewhere and a guest in your house then that is what he is. If you choose to live apart then you cannot have it both ways of course he uses water ect (food and entertainment is a bit different) whilst at yours the same as any other guest,you could equal out the financial strain on you by taking it in turns to be at each others place or by explaining to him you cannot afford to have guests so frequently.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 03/12/2014 08:19

Thank you for the replies, yes it's my choice not to live with him, myself and older dc are used to being on our own and enjoy our life how it is!

In answer to why I had a baby with him: the baby was totally unplanned but I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and the baby is very much wanted and loved!

He earns a very good wage and his living cost (where he lives) are minimal as he rents a room off a friend.

Just to mention he has a child with his ex wife and he always has paid his maintenance to her.

I guessing he sees it that this is different because we are in a relationship.

I'm totally not expecting him to financially support myself and my dc but think that it should be a little more than I tin of formula that I have to ask/remind him to purchase.

Like I said my income has gone down and my bills gone up, so just a set amount weekly/monthly to cover some of the costs relating to out dc, so I can pick up the things she needs as and when.

Another thought I had is childcare for when I go back to work

OP posts:
Poolomoomon · 03/12/2014 08:32

Costs do go up the older a child gets as you'll know from the DC you already have. Can you imagine this continuing even when DC is in bigger clothes that cost more, needs shoes, school uniform and trips, gadgets and gizmos, hair cuts, FOOD! And all the rest of it? If you're struggling now with formula and nappy costs imagine how much tougher it's going to get...

It's fine not to live together, a lot of couples do this and it works really well for them. It may not be traditional but if it works for you, knock yourself out. But it's not fine for him to essentially lodge at your house for half the week and not pay you anything or for him to barely contribute to DC costs. I suggest a nice long chat about what you expect from him, how much you're struggling atm financially etc and see what happens. Hopefully he bucks his ideas up and starts contributing appropriately. The fact he contributes towards his other DC is a good sign though...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/12/2014 08:40

Then talk to him and explain that to him