Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 03/12/2014 11:19

He totally loves our dd but he is acting like a absent teenage father not a 40 year Old man

Wake up OP

Lweji · 03/12/2014 11:40

So, he's having his cake and eating it...

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2014 11:45

If he pressured you for an abortion are you really surprised that he's not taking every opportunity to pay for a child he didn't want but that you made him have anyway?

With choice comes responsibility, and the choice to have the baby was yours so it's only right that most of the responsibility is yours too, especially as you say you are the one that wants to continue to live alone.

InglouriousBasterd · 03/12/2014 11:51

Bloody hell, sit down and talk to him! Tell him what you've told us about bills etc. Seriously; he's taking the piss and you're letting him get away with it.

WaltzingWithBares · 03/12/2014 11:55

It is unbelievable that you are not only giving him a free ride but his other DC too! Tell him it is time for him to man up, seriously. FFS - a room in a shared house, yet he has not one but two DCs, one of which has contact time with him. You are shouldering all that financially and that's wrong.

WooWooOwl, sorry but that's bullshit. If he didn't want a baby he should have used contraception. He should bear the same amount of responsibility as the OP.

MaryWestmacott · 03/12/2014 11:56

Are you afraid of having the conversation because you think he'll decide you aren't worth it and leave?

He needs to pay maintenance, if he wants to bring his DD to yours for his contact time, he's got to pay towards both his and her keep on top of maintenance - it doesn't matter that he didn't want you to have the baby, he had his choice when he chose not to use a condom. After that, it stops being something he gets a say in.

Have the conversation tonight, frame it as a choice between making a private arrangment for maintenance or going via CSA. (and any private arrangement, should be at the same level as he pays for his other child, your child is not worth less.)

He might well end your relationship if he doesn't seem to be getting a good deal anymore, but if he'd do that, then he doesn't love you and is only with you because it makes life easy for him - he'd throw you away as soon as a 'better' offer comes along anyway.

WaltzingWithBares · 03/12/2014 11:57

*He should have used contraception, i.e. condoms.

Primaryteach87 · 03/12/2014 12:06

OP well done for ignoring the repeated silly responses (don't keep going on about benefits, when she clearly said she isn't claiming any!)

If he pays £300 to his other DC then he should be spending or giving you the same. Formula doesn't cut it.

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2014 12:11

Would you feel comfortable with his other child getting less if that's what it takes to be able to give you the same?

OfaFrenchMind · 03/12/2014 12:21

wow, I am so glad I am a woman.
So you have his child against his will. Ok... Do not want to live with him...Why not...
Do any of you communicate? Seriously, speak, discuss, have a talk...? It's all well to act, but thinking before it would be smashing, I heard.

dreamingbohemian · 03/12/2014 12:30

So he's okay with paying maintenance, because he and his ex are not together, but he doesn't think he should have to pay you, because you are together?

First off, that's bollocks

Second, are you not worried that he is only staying with you so he doesn't pay maintenance?

I agree: wake up. And fgs figure out childcare now, you would be insane to pay for all that yourself.

MaryWestmacott · 03/12/2014 12:34

WooWooOwl - I don't see that as an issue that's for the OP to worry about. DH and I have 2 DCs together, when we had DC2 that meant that we had higher costs and DC1's standard of living has fallen slightly. I don't think anyone would suggest that I should maintain DC1's old standard of living (and savings into his account I used to do) while giving DC2 a much crapper lifestyle/missing out on family holidays/not having any savings, so that DC2 doesn't negatively impact on the lifestyle of DC1.

This is more complex because these 2 half-siblings don't live in the same house, but the argument is the same, if there's another child in the family then costs go up and often that means the older child gets less resources than they would have done if they stayed an only child.

Sister77 · 03/12/2014 12:38

YANBU op, he should be paying you more.
He is taking the piss but you don't need to confront him. As far as he is aware you supported you DC from your first relationship no problem and are doing it now with his child.
Sit down and TALK to him. Point out that it's not the issue of him spending half the week at your home, it's the additional costs. If he is a decent man then he should see himself that this is unsustainable and he should offer to contribute more. If that fails then CSA (?) and tell him to do one.
Don't underestimate the power of DISCUSSION.

Chunderella · 03/12/2014 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/12/2014 12:47

I do find it hard to ask for help (maybe because I didn't get it with older dc) just think it will come across like I'm a money grabbing bitch. So guess in a way yes I am afraid to speak about this

He totally loves our dd but he is acting like a absent teenage father not a 40 year Old man

Massive red flags reading this. The money isn't for you, it's a contribution towards the costs of keeping your DC fed, housed and clothed. You shouldn't have to ask, he should already have offered a regular financial contribution before you gave birth.
That's before even considering the fact that he stays over cocklodger is an understatement

He seems to have you right where he wants you...

WaltzingWithBares · 03/12/2014 12:59

(sorry, didn't see the bit about not being on benefits, thanks for pointing that out primaryteach87.)

OP, even though you do not have contact with your older DC's Dad, is there any reason why he doesn't pay maintenance? Unless he is unemployed or abroad he should also be paying towards his child.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 03/12/2014 14:58

waltzing the reason he doesn't pay anything is because he disappeared and have no idea where he is!

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 03/12/2014 15:03

You aren't a money-grabbing bitch for expecting the father of your dd to make a financial contribution. Especially since everything else in his life appears to come for free. That he already pays maintenance for another child suggests that he knows full well that he should be supporting the dc you have together. However, all the while you enable his free-loading, he's not about to rock the boat is he?

You need to sit down and work out a fair share of household expenses as well as expecting him to provide support for your dd. If he's not prepared to do this then you are far better off without him.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 03/12/2014 15:43

lweji we have tried everything to trace older dc dad, even CSA have tried, but thank you for trying to help Smile

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/12/2014 16:27

Right so what does he say when you ask him when he is going to set up a payment plan with you and how much for?
You mean you haven't actually asked him that? You need to. And reevaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with such a dickhead.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2014 16:31

The older DC has nothing to do with this. OP is asking about the younger child.

OP, talk to the man! He absolutely should be paying and he knows it! The fact that he voluntarily pays for his other child shows that he knows! He has a responsibility to support BOTH his children (neither of whom are living with him) regardless of the 'relationship status'. Isn't there a maintenance calculator somewhere online? If so, I'd run the numbers myself and see what comes up.

If you ask and he kicks off, then your relationship isn't really all that good, is it? It may be that he's not worth the trouble.

MagicMojito · 03/12/2014 16:46

JesusShock Angry Some of you really should be ashamed of yourselves. Op well done in ignoring some of the horrible, judgmental replies that you've had here.

Yanbu he needs to start contributing towards his child.

CPtart · 03/12/2014 17:07

Why does he come to yours with his DC when it is his contact time? Is that something else he can't be bothered with, like wearing a condom and financially supporting his DD.
You're being taken for a mug I'm afraid.

magoria · 03/12/2014 17:36

How long have you been together?

If, say 2 years, then you have handed over the equivalent of a years gas, electricity, water and food that he hasn't coughed up a penny for. How much does that add up to?

Now you are coughing up for everything with your DC with a meagre contribution to costs.

You are eating into your hard earned savings to fork out for all the food he eats, all the hot showers he has etc half of every week while he pays out nothing.

Do you not feel like you are being taken for a mug?

Swipe left for the next trending thread