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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 16:31

As I've said a man who doesn't want kids should not have penis in vagina sex or should use condoms.

Women who don't want kids should not have penis in vagina sex either then, except they do.

Whatever way it works, it should provide both women and men with the same opportunity to opt out of parenting, or it should expect both women and men to pay for the children they create.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:32

*NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 05-Dec-14 16:31:00
Number3

Your friend could not have done it if the man had not been willing by his own lapse.*

Absolutely agree - but does it make it right what she did?

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:34

itsbetterthanabox Fri 05-Dec-14 16:30:55
No I wouldn't call the father of children a deadbeat to them. Obviously.
But they would see throughout their child the contribution that their father made even in the smallest way and this would shape them as a person. I understand it's not always possible for everyone of course but it teaches children real responsibility.

What if your ex deadbeat was an abusive and violent ex who tormented you for 13 years before you finally plucked up the courage to leave him and move on to a better life.

Would you want his money then?

I don't.

Don't judge until you know the full story.

Am I still a woman hater?

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:34

No you're opinions of women are what is misogynist nothing to do with your job.. Or whether you are on benefits or not. Why would you think that?
It's not name calling it's a description. Being against abortion is woman hating.
Thinking only women should have responsibility for children and their costs is woman hating.
Misogynist mean woman hating.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:36

Being against abortion is woman hating.

No, it's personal choice.

I don't agree with abortion FOR MYSELF.

I'd raise the child myself.

Do you not get that point?

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:37

Some women do want maintenance from abusive ex partners. It's not for me or you to judge those women. I am very sorry that you went through that and I understand why you have made the decision personally not to claim maintenance but judging other women who do and calling them greedy is still wrong.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:37

Thinking only women should have responsibility for children and their costs is woman hating.

Again you need to read before you post.

I've seen your posts before, you are defo a man hater.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 16:39

It is not man hating to say men should be equally responsible for children they create that get born

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:40

In what way am I a 'man hater'?
It's fine if you think that. I don't agree. Anyone who believes in equality for women is called a man hater because we are so conditioned to think men deserve more than us.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:41

Saying you don't think abortion is right reads as though you are anti-choice. If you aren't then there may a clearer way of saying it.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:43

Saying you don't think abortion is right reads as though you are anti-choice. If you aren't then there may a clearer way of saying it.

Yeah I did, about 5 times.

I wouldn't do it myself, but went with a friend was like one of my first posts!!

MNHQ
AmyMumsnet · 05/12/2014 16:45

Hi everyone,

Can we please have some peace and love on this thread, and possibly get back to the issue in hand for the sake of the OP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 16:53

I agree with you number on your phrasing of your personal feelings towards abortion. But that still does not make box a man hater.

It is the very opposite of feminism and equality to insist its ok for fathers to walk away with no liability from a child that gets born. Its also pretty man hating as well.

Protecting a live child from abuse is sometimes considered more important than the other parents responsibility and financial liability,it happens because protecting children is more important than pretty much most other things.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 16:53

X post there Amy

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 17:01

It is not man hating to say men should be equally responsible for children they create that get born

But it is woman hating to say the same of women? Confused

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 17:08

You have a very odd way of viewing the world woowoo. Very odd indeed

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 17:23

I protected my children and did what I need to do. I am very independant, that doesn't make me a woman hater, it makes me a strong woman.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 17:24

Woowoo no one is arguing that women should not be equally responsible. The issue is that women almost always are entirely or mostly responsible and it's men who need to do more.

OddFodd · 05/12/2014 19:32

Number3 - you said you didn't agree with abortion. Not that you didn't think it was the right choice for you. There's a huge difference.

And woowoo - you seem to have a very warped view of responsibility. If a woman is left raising a child on her own, isn't she being responsible?

Bunny - I'm delighted you've kicked out the cocklodger. Legally, he has to support your child to the same degree as he support his other child(ren).

You can speak to him first if you think he'll be reasonable. It costs (£100 IIRC) to go to the CSA so it would be better if you could work it out that way. However, I suspect he won't want to pay £600 monthly to support his children so the CSA might be the only way to go.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 19:42

Odd ford- I don't agree with abortion for me - as I said, went with a friend so hardly anti am I.

elephantspoo · 05/12/2014 20:18

I couldn't imagine having a kid with someone you didn't trust to be a good father. I can understand accidents happen for some girls, but that's their own fault. I was never that liberal as a teenager, so it was never an issue for me.

So I've got to why you've has a kid with a guy who you don't live with/ haven't married.

On the purely legal question of paying for kids, I'm in the camp that all men should have to pay for the upkeep of the children they father, and that that should be enforced by law, as they do in the US, with removal of drivers licence for non-payers, followed by jail time. I think if all men knew they would have to pay for their children, they'd be less eager to get their cocks out in the first place, and more inclined to ensure they had condoms when they did.

But complaining that some absent father who's never seen much of his kid isn't paying towards him, smacks of foolishness and poor judgement from the get go.

Darkesteyes · 05/12/2014 20:36

Number3 you say you dont believe in abortion for YOURSELF but you went to support your friend who had one.
Did you support her fully including no guilt tripping over what she was doing not even in a subtle way?

WooWoo the attitudes of people like you tell me ive done the right thing in not having children and attitudes like this simply rubber stamp that decision.

And bringing your sons up with attitudes like that i fully expect their future wives/girlfriends to be posting in Relationships in years to come.

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/12/2014 20:47

As a feminist who has been on here for eight years, this is the most depressing thread I've ever read on MN Sad

AnyFucker · 05/12/2014 20:56

I can't even scrape up the energy to comment. < flat >