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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 03/12/2014 18:02

It does bug me when people say "didn't you discuss this before?"

Babies here now, we can't turn back time and change things. Some babies do arrive at 'awkward' unplanned times in a relationship, and sometimes your so busy dealing with getting your head round having a baby that you don't get into the details.

Op he should be paying for stuff but like you I hate to 'ask', your going to have to put your big girl pants on and go
'I need x and y off you for baby, and z for when your here'
If he gets arsey you know unfortunately where you stand.

teenagetantrums · 03/12/2014 18:17

I think you just need to ask for what you need, when my ex and I split up he never offered to give a penny, but if i said to him the children need new shoes they are x amount and I do not have the money can you pay? , he would. It never occurred to him because he was a SAHP before we split so I worked so paid for everything, but after we split things got more expensive with childcare, in his mind he had never paid so didn't need to.I had always bought Christmas and birthday presents so was a shock when I said to him you need to buy kids presents, Now the kids are older he doesn't give me any money but if they need anything for college and I cant afford it they phone him and he pays, I just stay out of it. If you dont want him living with you then you pay the bills and he pays for 1/3 of the thing your child needs.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2014 18:18

I'd like to know what (and who) this bloke does for the half of the week he doesn't freeload on the OP with his kids from a previous relationship

OP, you are being taken for an absolute ride

Living on your savings while he cocklodges at your place on a good wage, paying out for his other kids but not yours. I agree he is staying in this "relationship" with you because you are bankrolling him, his kids and yourself.

Wake up.

Shedwood · 03/12/2014 18:35

For those who don't like the question "why didn't you discuss finances before baby arrived?" I'm wondering if you realise that even an unplanned pregnancy takes NINE MONTHS to come to fruition?

If you can't find time in 40 weeks, or even 1 week to have a chat about finances with your partner then it's a very odd relationship, and I fully understand why someone might question that.

I sympathise with your situation OP and you're definitely being taken for a ride, so don't let it continue; I'll never understand these "fathers" who think babies can live on fresh air.

DixieNormas · 03/12/2014 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/12/2014 18:45

Your subsidising his other child him and the ex wife

He gets free board and food and utilities
When his child stays so do they
Wake up op for crying out loud Thanks unless you want a few more lodgers if your that well off.

I assume he gets time off from all the kids as well? You don't I suspect

Tell him he needs to do an on line shop,once a week with you at th very least. Don't cook and please tell me you don't do his washing. And ironing as well?

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2014 20:46

With choice comes responsibility, and the choice to have the baby was yours so it's only right that most of the responsibility is yours too, especially as you say you are the one that wants to continue to live alone.

You are kidding, right? He lives with her half the week. He takes his oldest DC there. He has a child with the OP.

He owes her a bloody fortune!

Sorry OP. Talk to him soon. Expect not to see him for dust afterwards so get the CSA info ready.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 03/12/2014 23:13

Following my earlier telephone call I think I have my answer on where our dc comes in his priorities!!!

Today is one of his contact days with his older dc, so he was telling me how they had gone out and brought special Xmas cards for his dc to give to boyfriends bro and wife (aunt & uncle) there son (the cousin) and bf mum (nanny) and how his older dc had written them and also wrapped a special present for each of them!

So I asked if he had got cards for our dc to give to these people also the uncle, nan etc of our dc and he actually was totally shocked and said he didn't even think about it and he will try to pick a card up if he has time (we are visiting his family on Saturday) he works in a busy town centre and can pop out when he chooses as his is the boss!

Sadly the hairdresser was her doing my dc hair so wasn't in a position to have the whole convo that is required but I will be bloody on it first thing tomorrow morning!

Oh and he also reminded me to get something nice in for lunch on Friday (I.e salmon) because he will be here early Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/12/2014 23:16

The cheek.
If he's early, he can shop and cook it. Or even catch it.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/12/2014 23:19

Tell him there is an entrance fee now as their are no longer any free rides.

AddToBasket · 03/12/2014 23:24

OP, what do your friends in RL think of him? What do your family think?

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2014 23:25

You do realise he isn't going to change don't you?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/12/2014 23:37

needsasock staying 1/2 the week in someones house isn't being a guest. It's living there for part of the week, and would be considered so as part of a benefits claim

Not if he is fully maintaining accommodation elsewhere due to not wanting to be a 'living together' couple and it is all separate it wouldn't be. It is never just as simple as amount of nights some one is there.

I've investigated enough benefit fraud to be quite clear on the differences between cohabitation and guests.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/12/2014 23:47

Stupidly didn't hit refresh sorry.

Just seen the other 2 pages. He didn't even think about adding the baby's name into the card and demanded salmon?

Does he think you are a hotel?

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 03/12/2014 23:49

Yep he clearly does think I'm a hotel, guess I better start working on his 3 years worth of bills ready for when I check him out Grin

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 04/12/2014 00:16

Bunny your post upthread reminded me of this article. Ive also linked it into a thread i started on the feminism board.

bonkers after your acerbic comment to the OP you should probably take note too.

Failure rates of contraception after women have been on them long term.

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html?_r=1

WaltzingWithBares · 04/12/2014 11:16

Just seen your update OP. Sad and Shock doesn't even cover it. If you do get any salmon I know where I'd shove it on Friday. We're all behind you - good luck with the talk.

GoodKingQuintless · 04/12/2014 12:15

Buy a tin of pink salmon, and knock this relationship on the head with it.

What a twunk.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2014 14:45
Babyroobs · 04/12/2014 15:41

You say you're not claiming benefits a s a lone parent, does that include not claiming tax credits?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/12/2014 16:10

babyroobs

Asked and answered try not to be a prick

Seriouslyffs · 04/12/2014 23:27

I can't see where OP clarifies about tax credits. It's not the biggest problem here, not by a long chalk, but its not irrelevant.

DixieNormas · 04/12/2014 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 05/12/2014 07:19

Does it matter if she claims benefits? She's not being supported by this dick and he doesn't live with her. I think she should be claiming personally. And stop pretending this cocklodger is anything approaching a partner.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 08:38

Thank you ladies you all made me see exactly what he was and that I wasn't being a money grabbing bitch expecting a little support for our child!

Just to say no I don't claim benefits and if you saw my update post you will see that the relationship has now ended!

I know it's the right thing to do, but it's a funny feeling, it's do easy to remember the good things/times about someone! I'm a little down but certainly not heartbroken and I know I will be fine

OP posts: