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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
WaltzingWithBares · 05/12/2014 12:01

Number3 and WooWooOwl, sorry but you're both talking shite.

So a woman is totally responsible for contraception and the failure of it is totally their fault and partner can just wash their hands of it? Sorry, no. If a DP feels strongly about not having more DC, he can be actively responsible for contraception, ie. wear a condom even if partner is on the pill. That's something I'll be impressing upon my sons when they're older.

And also, the maintenance and child benefit is contributing towards living costs FFS not just nappies and formula. (i.e. two bedroom house/flat, gas, electric, water, council tax, etc etc). If the OP didn't have two children she could live in a caravan on someone's drive if she felt so inclined!! Or a room in a shared house. Obviously the fact that she has two children means her living costs are massively higher than if she were on her own. Why should she incur the entire additional cost?

Stay strong OP and ignore the shite some people are spouting.

WaltzingWithBares · 05/12/2014 12:03

If people took more responsibility for themselves and their choices then this country would be a much better place. - yes - i.e. men as well, like the OP's now Ex-P.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 12:04

Woowoo and numbers....would you like women to be forcibly marched to abortion clinics by the men who got them pregnant? Men have choices too...abstain or wear a condom.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 12:08

So a woman is totally responsible for contraception and the failure of it is totally their fault and partner can just wash their hands of it?

Yes, because a woman can choose to wash her hands of it if she wants to, that's where the double standards comes in.

If a DP feels strongly about not having more DC, he can be actively responsible for contraception, ie. wear a condom even if partner is on the pill.

You know condoms can fail as well right? Unplanned pregnancy will always happen no matter how much contraception we use. Both women and men should have to shoulder the same responsibility. They should either both be expected to work and pay for children they have created or not. It's wrong that women have the right to absolve themselves of the responsibility of unplanned pregnancies but that men don't.

I wouldn't mind which way it went, but I believe in equality.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 12:09

Formerbabe

Never - don't agree with abortions myself personally (although have been with a friend for support who decided to go ahead with one after having a one night stand and getting pregnant)

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 12:10

Waltzing, presumably the man in this situation would have done just that by getting the abortion he made it clear he wanted. But he didn't have that choice. She did.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 12:10

You know condoms can fail as well right? Unplanned pregnancy will always happen no matter how much contraception we use. Both women and men should have to shoulder the same responsibility. They should either both be expected to work and pay for children they have created or not. It's wrong that women have the right to absolve themselves of the responsibility of unplanned pregnancies but that men don't.

It's biology and it's tough luck...unless of course you think women should be forced to abort against their will?

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 12:13

don't agree with abortions myself personally

Wow so you don't agree with abortions or men being made to pay child maintenance if they didn't want the baby!

I have no words! I may have to leave this thread. I am amazed other women can hold views like this.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 12:14

would you like women to be forcibly marched to abortion clinics by the men who got them pregnant?

No. Women shouldn't be forced into having abortions by anyone. But as we live in a society that offers abortions to anyone that wants one, then women should accept that with their rights come responsibilities.

I think men should be allowed to go to court within two weeks of finding out about a pregnancy to absolve themselves of financial responsibility for a child. It would obviously have it's problems and there would be too many scenarios that you just couldn't legislate for, but it would go some way to achieving equality.

Original poster
Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 12:17

No when we first found out I was pregnant he didn't want the baby! He then came around to the idea, wanted to be involved, was there through the whole pregnancy scams, midwife appointments, birth etc and has been with our dc like a doting dad since the second she was born!

It's not like I got pregnant and had noting to do with him since that day and I'm now demanding money! If he had walked away at the beginning stating he wanted nothing to do then I wouldn't be in this position now

OP posts:
WaltzingWithBares · 05/12/2014 12:20

I think men should be allowed to go to court within two weeks of finding out about a pregnancy to absolve themselves of financial responsibility for a child Grin Grin . FFS I've heard it all now.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 12:20

*formerbabe
Wow so you don't agree with abortions or men being made to pay child maintenance if they didn't want the baby!

I have no words! I may have to leave this thread. I am amazed other women can hold views like this.*

No, but I wouldn't be pregnant 'by accident' either.

I'm careful.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 12:22

Bunnystopper don't take it personally - this post has moved from your situation onto something new - read my post above where I state this is not about men who are there, then decide to leave at a later date.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 13:31

Number3 unless you never have penetrative sex then yes you can become pregnant accidentally.
Your opinion is astounding. You aren't a man hater no you are a woman hater.

Chunderella · 05/12/2014 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 13:53

we are not talking about deadbeat Dad's who decide to drop off the planet when they go off shagging the babysitter or decide later on they no longer want to be involved)

Number you are talking about deadbeat dads. Because that's exactly what you conceived a child with.

A man who conceives a child and knows of the existence of a pregnancy and walks away no matter how accommodating towards this the mother is IS a deadbeat dad

Darkesteyes · 05/12/2014 14:02

The misogyny on this thread is fucking disgusting. "men being allowed to go to court to absolve themselves of financial responsibility for a child"

Most ridiculous statement ive ever seen on this site.

The MRAs and their supporters are out in force today. Unfuckingbelievable.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 14:21

itsbetterthanabox I actually don't hate anyone.

I just think people should take responsibilities for their own actions and choices.

We are lucky enough to have choices, and sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES men get a raw deal.

Like I said, I have been a single parent, I know how hard it is.

And I do not agree with abortion, but nor would I run someone down for money for MY BILLS. I have already said to the OP that she is quite entitled to collect half of the DC's upbringing, but that does not include her costs.
She has already stated that she is now not in a relationship with this dick, so that won't be an issue now.

NeedsAsockamnesty I have my very own one of those deadbeat ex's. I know all about them, but I do not ask him for a single penny.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 14:26

Why is it so terrible that a man should be able to decide not to bring up a child he helped create but it's fine for a woman to do exactly the same thing?

Wanting equality is not misogyny.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 14:28

It is a fact of life that men have choices and options up until the point of ejaculation.

Women have choices for up to 24 weeks after ejaculation.

If you are not comfortable with this then do not have sex

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 14:29

It would not be equality woowoo

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 14:32

It's not a fact of life, it's a fact that has been decreed by man made laws. Laws which can be argued, and if the will is there, can be changed.

It's not about biology, it's about what laws a country decides to enforce.

It's certainly not equality the way it is now.

Darkesteyes · 05/12/2014 14:38

Number 3 Im very pro choice. I believe in abortion on demand. The fact that you dont and yet hold the views you do........that is misogyny.

Darkesteyes · 05/12/2014 14:39

Number3 not asking him for a penny. Is that so you can feel all superior because thats the way its coming across to me.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 14:39

So if you believe women should be able to opt out of parenting babies they have created then why don't you believe the same for men?

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