AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

[Bunnystopper]

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

Absolutely he should be paying for all the food at least whilst he's at yours plus at least 50% if EVERYTHING the baby needs, which is a lot more than nappies and formula.

How much does he pay for his other child? Surely that's a guide for him. It's easily arguable that he should pay a quarter of your accommodation, bills and food costs (half for the time he's with you)' and then half of the baby expenses. On top of that, you doing childcare has caused you to lose income by being on SMP, if he bore half of that then it'd be fair.

Sorry have to agree with the "vipers". This man is not only NOT paying towards his child but he does not pay anything towards the household bills when he is there, nor is he supplementing the OP now she is on SMP.

This needs to be nipped in the bud now.

Get your pen and paper out OP and start making some calculations.

needsasock staying 1/2 the week in someones house isn't being a guest. It's living there for part of the week, and would be considered so as part of a benefits claim.

I think OP should have sorted out financial expectations when she was pregnant. And OP you need to TELL him clearly that it's not good enough.

It's fine if you don't want to live with him of course....but that is his child and he needs to be giving more towards the care and upkeep.

He pays £300 per month to his ex for his older child (not CSA agreed by themselves) plus extras for football, school trips etc.

I know it grinds on him that I don't get any support from my older dc dad so maybe that's why he is not forth coming because of that...... Yes it's annoying but to me if that's the case then he is no better than my dc dad!

No I don't claim benefits currently living off SMP and savings

Are you on benefits - housing benefit, income support etc? If so that claim could be fraudulent if DPA are not aware of your circumstances - i.e. in relationship with father of child who stays at yours half a week.

Even if you're not on benefits, you should go onto the CSA website and put in his earnings to work our roughly what he should be paying you.

That's a bare minimum because he uses your electricity, water etc for half the week so his contribution should be greater.

When / if you go back to work, the childcare costs should be split 50/50.

Have u asked him outright to contribute more?

OP - stop it, do you really think your baby is less important than his other DC?

Tell him he has to give you a set amount each month or you're going to CSA. Also check you are claiming everything you are entitled to benefit wise, you will be paying in for a long time, claim it now when you need it.

Um, he's not a partner, he's a freeloading cocklodger.

He really is I'm afraid.

You just have to sit down and spell it out. Tell him that if you went to CSA tomorrow, you'd be getting X into your bank account, and that would be that. If he can't step up and start SUPPORTING his child, then it would be best that you a. dump him, as he's clearly a tool, and b. go to CSA.

Tell him - because I am here at home LOOKING AFTER OUR JOINT CHILD, I am not earning, and am spending my savings. X per week going out, X per week EXTRA coming out because of me being home. You owe me half of that.

You need to keep receipts and a record of how much you're spending on the baby, present it to your partner, and tell him you expect him to fund half the costs.

I think if you get into charging him for the fact that he stays at yours sometimes then you are getting into such a messy area that you shouldn't really not bother being in a relationship. Presumably you want him to spend time with you and with his baby.

He shouldn't have to support you, or your older child, but when you go back to work he should be paying half of the childcare costs. A four month old baby doesn't really need Christmas present, so if you have chosen to buy some anyway, then that is your cost to bear.

You are going to continually run into problems like this because you have brought a baby into an unstable relationship, and it's hard work. You do have to accept though that some things you choose to buy are not things that you can reasonably expect to split the cost of, only necessities that your baby actually needs.

You say 'I have bought all our dc Christmas presents' but unless you have also been buying all the presents his other child will receive, that just isn't true. You can't expect him to pay towards keeping your older child when you don't pay towards his.

I think he sees this relationship differently from you.

You shouldn't have to ask MN if you are right and validate your point of view. Is he refusing to pay more or are you afraid to ask?

I have brought my older dc Xmas presents, I presume he will be sorting out his older dc himself!

As for our dc yes I have paid for everything myself! While I totally agree a 4 months old doesn't need much for Xmas the fact that we have no toys ect (from 6 months say) just thought it would make sense for us to buy a few essential toys then! As I do not have any baby things left, my older dc is at secondary school

Oh OP, don't ask him to pay for things, ask him if he'd like to sort out maintenance between you or via the CSA. Don't give him an option out of paying towards a child because you are dating, if you were living together and he was paying at least half of all the bills, or more while you're on SMP, then that would be different. You are not, so he pays maintenance. I would take a starting point of what does he pay for his other DC? (Remember, that while the other DC is older so needs more, he doesn't go to that house and run up the household costs, so it evens out). Do not let him say your DC is worth less.

Have you ever asked him outright for more money...in fact ANY money?

Babies need toys to aid their development. When you ask him for money towards toys frame it as something that the baby actually needs rather than as optional Christmas presents.

While you're right that certain things might make sense, when you need someone else to contribute to the cost of those things, you don't have the luxury of being able to choose what makes sense to you without checking that it also makes sense to the other person. Otherwise you are leaving yourself open to reasonably being told that your choices were choices, not necessities and therefore you should pay them yourself.

I assumed you had each bought your own older dcs presents, but you came across as if you thought that was something that shouldn't be expected. I don't know whether you meant that or not, it's not always easy to convey intention in type.

No the Xmas present thing shouldn't of come across like that, I don't expect him to support my older dc.

More I think about it just realizing what a easy ride he a actually getting! He has somewhere to bring his older child when it's his contact time that costs him nothing, food, water, elec etc is all provided for him for half the week and for his dc to!

I do find it hard to ask for help (maybe because I didn't get it with older dc) just think it will come across like I'm a money grabbing bitch. So guess in a way yes I am afraid to speak about this

You really, really need to speak to him. You will fester about it and no good will come of it otherwise.

Tell him in advance that you need to discuss something with him. Do it at a quiet time with no DC about. Tell him in frank terms

"I need you to contribute a regular amount every week or month...and I need it to begin now....I can't manage and you're not supporting your child."

If he refuses then you really need to get shot of him.

You had 9 months to discuss this with him. Also how on earth do grown adults with other children still have unplanned pregnancies these days??

He's getting an easy ride because that's what you've offered him.

What was his reaction on finding out about your unexpected pregnancy?

I think it's worth totting up the cost of his presence at yours and the baby so you can present it to him. Also add up how much he's spent. I don't think he should have to support you generally, but your income is down because you're at home looking after your joint baby. Were there any discussions when pregnant about finances, length of ML or childcare?

Unfortunantly unplanned pregnancies happen when things like the pill fail, like it did for me, no missed pills, no sickness nothing it had worked for over 10 years successfully and then one month no period came.

When I found out I was pregnant he didn't want the baby and pressured for a abortion, when I made it clear I was keeping the baby and I did give him the option to walk away, after a few weeks when we spilt up he then decided he wanted to be involved and he wanted to still be with me.

He totally loves our dd but he is acting like a absent teenage father not a 40 year Old man