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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
dirkdiggler1 · 05/12/2014 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 09:42

dirkdiggler Yes sorry that's exactly what I meant to say!

Next time in going through a hard time and upset I shall be sure to double check my grammar, so not to offend

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/12/2014 09:53

dirk how helpful of you to point out bunny's grammatical errors Hmm. Seriously, what do posters get out of that? A feeling of superiority?

Bunny I can't see an update where you said you'd finished with him? Unless you're referring to the one about him 'checking out'? If so, that's a little ambiguous...

Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 10:01

Yes sorry just noticed my post on the update about finishing it didn't actually post!

Oh well it's done now, just a waiting game now to see if he actually wants to have a relationship with our dc, from what he has said I'm not holding out my hope and he has made it clear I will not be hearing from him again until after the new year....... Fine but little babies change a lot in just a few weeks and it's not me who is going to miss these changes!

Still I guess it's better now while she is little as she doesn't know any different

OP posts:
dirkdiggler1 · 05/12/2014 10:16

Misuse of myself boils my piss almost as much as bought/brought mentioned earlier in the thread. Nobody jumped on that poster!

whois · 05/12/2014 10:21

People say 'myself' because they are trying to be posh and they don't think they can say 'me' because they remember incorrectly the rule about saying 'I' from school.

Unfortunately misuse of myself makes people sound ridiculous.

catsmother · 05/12/2014 10:25

Bunny, good on you if you've decided to end this - it certainly doesn't sound as if he had any real emotional investment sorry to say, and certainly showed no responsibility as he should have done.

Hope you notice how much better off you'll suddenly feel now Hotel Bunny has shut its doors, but regardless of that, please do NOT let him off the hook in regards to child maintenance for your youngest. It is what your child is entitled to and has nothing to do with you being any sort of money grabbing bitch - if you were, you wouldn't have been subbing him and his other child all this time. Even if you're able to manage financially without his contribution do please still pursue this for your child's sake - there's no law which says you have to spend it now, but it could be saved for their future instead.

If he won't agree voluntarily to a sum which you believe to be fair based on his income (this is possible if both parties are honest and communicative and trustworthy - I had a voluntary arrangement with my ex for 14 years) then you must approach the CSA or whatever it is they're called these days. I suspect unfortunately that given his track record he'll either make you jump through hoops to get what is your child's right, or, he'll offer you some paltry sum in the hope you'll back off. Please don't let him do any such thing, and certainly don't feel guilty or anything if he starts to prattle on about how any arrangement with you will affect his older child. Fact is, he now has 2 children, not one, and he has an equal responsibility to them both - don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. You can check what your child is entitled to on the CSA site, which will also take into account his older child.

I also hope he mans up and continues to see his youngest despite the split. He appears to have a good relationship with his older child so he's not totally dreadful - I hope.

Sorry you've had the predictable responses from some on here who love to kick someone when they're already down. Talk about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted etc (what is the bloody point in asking someone why they had a baby when the baby is already here ?? ..... an 'ill-advised' decision, in someone else's opinion, doesn't alter the fact your ex has responsibilities and was taking you for granted) and as for petty remarks about grammar, good god, do people have nothing better to do ?!

Wish you the best of luck - I know you'll feel odd, and disappointed, and sad etc but also bet you'll feel like a big weight's been lifted from you. It's horrid to live in an atmosphere where your so-called partner treats you with contempt and clearly 'isn't into you'. It's much better to be 'alone' on your own, than to be 'alone' within a 'relationship', which I think is what you were really.

(As for salmon, a moot point now, but I was going to suggest you bought a tin of salmon Whiskas (or Aldi value cat food for that matter) and gave that to him as a parting gift!)

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 10:28

OP-

Hate to sound harsh, but if you 'choose' to live as a single parent yes it's my choice not to live with him, myself and older dc are used to being on our own and enjoy our life how it is! then you have to accept everything that comes with it.

He is not responsible for any of your bills whether he stays with you or not - that is your choice to 'allow' him to stay over.

If your bills have gone up and wages down are you entitled to some form of assistance? Perhaps have a look on the Direct.Gov site?

I would have a conversation with him about his responsibilities as a father (not about being a partner, because he doesn't live with you)

If he cannot agree on a sensible solution of paying 'x' amount or buying certain essentials for baby, then I would go down the mediation and the child support (or whatever they call it) route.

It's not nice, but he does have an obligation to support the child (again, the child, and not you)

I hope this doesn't sound harsh at all, it really isn't, just factual.

I split with my ex last year, he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance and I have never made a claim on him because I have a very well paid job and don't need it - this is not a show-off statement, just me making clear I am not a man hater or anything Smile

(FYI I live with new partner now who shares bills probably a little too equally Grin)

Best of luck OP.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 10:30

Sorry OP- I am in baby brain world and didn't see your update.

Very brave of you to end the relationship - You sound like a tough cookie and I wish you all the very best.

Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 10:39

I have looked at CSA but it seems to only ask about other kids you live with not about kids your paying maintenance for. So not sure if the calculations are correct

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 10:42

Has he not agreed to pay anything?

Bunnystopper · 05/12/2014 11:16

Number3. No last I heard was he was not paying anything into household because it's not his job to support my older dc!

In ref to your other post sorry if it was coming across wrong this is about him not supporting his dc, clearly bills have gone up needed more heating as home more, washing etc (water metre) I was just trying to say that these are things that his dc needs! I in no way expect him to actually pay my bills, just contribute a little towards his dc

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 11:17

Number3. Why would you need to make it clear you aren't a 'man hater', who thinks you are?
It's irrelevant how much you earn your child's father should still be paying for their own child. Why would you not claim maintenance?
I think the ops partner/now ex should pay some of her bill upkeep as well a costs for the baby. She incurs many costs that aren't just nappies and baby food because she cares for the child every day! using more gas/electric, childcare and/or reduction in earnings if she is at home/needing a larger property to house the child etc etc. So yeah I think the money should go towards her living expenses too as she is the one who actually looking after the child.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 11:25

itsbetterthanabox Re: Man Hater - I saw someone being accused of being one yesterday in a seperate post, so had to make it clear I am not one Smile

Why would I take money off someone when I don't need it?
My children have what they need, it would be greed.
I do not like the idea of taking money when I do not need it.
My own person choice, and that does not reflect on anyone else who chooses to claim.
My ex can barely look after himself, let alone the children, they are well looked after by me and have what they need.

The household costs are irrelevant, you cannot expect someone else to share those costs when a) they didn't want the baby in the first place and b) the cost of the baby in terms of washing and electric would be more than covered by child benefit (do the maths if you think I am wrong)

He should however be paying for HALF of the child's upkeep - i.e clothes, nappies, food, milk etc.

When you make the choice of having a baby with someone that you do not live with, then you need to make that choice with the mindset of being a single parent.

This is not a discussion about someone who was in a long term live in relationship or marriage, OP has already stated this is a relationship where they both chose to live apart and that baby (although well loved) was indeed not planned.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 11:32

The household costs are irrelevant, you cannot expect someone else to share those costs when a) they didn't want the baby in the first place and b) the cost of the baby in terms of washing and electric would be more than covered by child benefit (do the maths if you think I am wrong)

Bullshit! Firstly the op said the now ex stayed at her house during the week so he does need to contribute. Secondly, even if he is never there, his child is...therefore he does need to contribute to the home his child lives in.

Poor menz though having to contribute to children that they brought into the world...bless!

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 11:35

formerbabe
Bullshit! Firstly the op said the now ex stayed at her house during the week so he does need to contribute

You are confusing the relationship with the parental responsibilities here.
They are two separate issues.
It is OP's CHOICE to have him stay over - she could always say no.

So are you saying that if DC stays at his house in holidays that OP should pay him as DC would be using gas / electric / water?

It works both ways - the access / custody has not been discussed here.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 11:35

I agree that OP has more responsibility for this child than the ex has. She chose to have this baby knowing that he didn't want it, and was prepared to let him walk away and have nothing to do with either of them.

Now she needs to live by that and look after and pay for the child herself.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 11:39

Now she needs to live by that and look after and pay for the child herself.

No she doesn't. That is all.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 11:46

formerbabe

And that is exactly what gives woman an incredibly bad name and absolutely ruins how much hard work women before us have done to achieve equality.

OP has already advised she was on the pill - ex had established this and on his part was having sex trusting OP. Yes the pill fails, but OP made her decision to continue with the pregnancy. You cannot expect someone to pay for that.

I have two children with my ex and I am absolutely ashamed of people who do that, it gives us all a bad name.

Shame on you.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 11:53

Honestly numbers, it is irrelevant when it comes to child maintenance whether the father wanted the pregnancy to go ahead or not. Promise!

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 11:53

You're probably right really, she doesn't need to do that because if things change and she doesn't pay for the child then taxes will pay instead.

I just think it's unfair how women can make the choice that they don't want to be financially responsible but men can't. It's not right, and it's why women will never really have equality.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 11:56

It's irrelevant whether the father wanted the pregnancy to go ahead, but completely relevant that the mother wanted it to go ahead?

Don't you see the injustice of that? I can't get my head around a society that allows women so much more choice than men. It's double standards.

formerbabe · 05/12/2014 11:58

It's irrelevant whether the father wanted the pregnancy to go ahead, but completely relevant that the mother wanted it to go ahead?

Yes

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 12:00

formerbabe in a court of law yes, doesn't make it any less morally wrong. Personally I couldn't do it. I'd prefer to have my dignity that £4 a week off the CSA from a man who has nothing to do with my kids (before anyone flames me down we are talking about an example of someone having a baby despite the father saying he did not want the pregnancy to go ahead, we are not talking about deadbeat Dad's who decide to drop off the planet when they go off shagging the babysitter or decide later on they no longer want to be involved)

WooWooOwl - I just think it's unfair how women can make the choice that they don't want to be financially responsible but men can't. It's not right, and it's why women will never really have equality.

Exactly that.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 12:01

That's fine when it comes to choices about our own bodies, not so much when our choices about our own bodies have an impact on someone else's bank balance, and worse, someone else's children.

If people took more responsibility for themselves and their choices then this country would be a much better place.

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