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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

461 replies

MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 13:38

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" Hmm. Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 13/11/2014 13:41

Totally over reaction by the Nan but I hope you gave your DD a proper telling off. She obviously hurt her Nans feelings and regardless of whether you, me or anyone thinks it is daft to get so worked up about it that fact is irrefutable. At 13 they should have a bit more empathy than to say 'Well that's stupid, I'd rather not go there anymore'

Laurel1979 · 13/11/2014 13:41

Sorry but I think that was a very rude thing to write, and a 13 year old should know better.

Thehedgehogsong · 13/11/2014 13:42

snigger nan smells of fart...

Nothing useful to add but I giggled!

Thumbwitch · 13/11/2014 13:42

First point - does your MIL smell? If so, she might be highly sensitive about it. My mum had a colostomy bag for the last 10 years of her life and was utterly paranoid about smelling of poo - she almost never did, but it didn't stop her being paranoid! If anyone had written that about her she'd have been destroyed.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/11/2014 13:42

Your Mil is over reacting and your daughter is rude. Ask your DD to apologise and then get your DH to privately speak to Mil about the children wanting to go home straight from school.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 13/11/2014 13:42

It's disrespectful and I'd expect that behaviour from an 8 year old but not from a 13 year old.

Is there any other reason she would be so upset at your dd or any reason your dd would be so mean to her nan?

I think there's more to this and their relationship.

QweenCnut · 13/11/2014 13:43

I would be mortified if that was my daughter!

RevoltingPeasant · 13/11/2014 13:43

YABU.

Some people regard the word 'fart' as very rude. I don't, but I believe from past threads some people would see that in the same league as 'Nan smells of fanny' or something equally offensive.

Plus however you regard the word 'fart' your DD is well old enough to know that that is massively rude. You act like you are doing the GPs a huge favour by letting them have your kids. Some would see this as the GPs making an effort to provide your kids with a homely atmosphere, without being overbearing (once a week) and bonding with their GC.

Your DD responds by being disrespectful and nasty - and you can't see the problem.

Thumbwitch · 13/11/2014 13:44

Second point - whether or not she does smell, it's still a very rude and childish thing to have written and shows a marked lack of respect for her grandmother. I don't think that she should get away with it at all, and I don't think she should be allowed to avoid going either. That will just make a currently-bad-but-will-probably-improve situation a lot worse. \

Has she been made to apologise?

AliceLidl · 13/11/2014 13:46

Your DD was a bit rude, a bit daft and ought to have a bit more sense at her age.

Your MIL over-reacted to that one incident, but is it possible she's aware the girls don't really want to visit and is feeling a bit abandoned or unappreciated and this was a bit of a final straw thing? Could the knowledge that the girls are growing up and away be getting to her a bit?

If you let your girls stop going now, will it be more difficult for them to go back the next time they have to be there? Would it be better to just get the next visit over and done with, have DD apologise and then reassess the situation after that?

Stormingateacup · 13/11/2014 13:48

She might have bowel or continence problems that you don't know about and therefore be paranoid about it.

Your DD deserves some telling off.

As for continuing the Wednesdays, I would explain to your DD that the GPs enjoy it and sometimes you have to do things you don't to for the sake of others. You could compromise on once a fortnight?

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 13/11/2014 13:48

It is rude, but it is also an over-reaction - "floods of tears"??? Unless, there is something underlying and MIL is hyper sensitive as she thinks she may smell?

LadyLuck10 · 13/11/2014 13:49

Your Dd was very rude and I hope that you told her off properly and made her apologize! She's 13 and quite immature if these types of things amuse her. I'm sure if someone had wrote that about your child you wouldn't be as flippant about it.
Your poor mil, it must be very hurtful to think that her dgc would find this to doodle about over anything else. Even if she does smell does your dd not possess any sort of respect or consideration for other people?

VanitasVanitatum · 13/11/2014 13:49

doesnt really matter if you didn't think it was that bad, her nan did and was very hurt.

It was a really rude thing to write and I don't think rewarding dd by stopping the visits is at all the right reaction. She should be apologising to her nan and you should be reminding her of her manners.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/11/2014 13:50

Everyone seems to be assuming MIL will want a stroppy ungrateful teen back.... I wouldn't bother!

wigglybeezer · 13/11/2014 13:50

Difficult one, I would not be that upset if my DS doodled "Mum smells of fart", I would probably give him a light telling off for being cheeky and remind him that he wouldn't like it if people wrote that about him, however my MIL won't even say the word fart ...

Reminds me of shocking my Granny by saying "bloody hell".

It's a generation gap thing, both the language and acceptance of mild cheekiness from children, Your DD needs to understand that and apologise quickly before it festers, however I understand that she may feel reluctant, I had to have lunch at my GP 's house once a week and found it a chore.

wheresthelight · 13/11/2014 13:51

would you be being so dismissive if your dd had wrote the same about your own mother and it had upset her?

your daughter was exceptionally rude and very much needs to apologise and if she behaves as infantile as this then she certainly does not deserve to be treated as a grown up and allowed to go home after school.

NormaStits · 13/11/2014 13:52

She was extremely rude & should be going there keenly for the foreseeable future and making it up to her nan by being a wonderfully attentive and loving granddaughter. She needs to do something to make up for hurting her nan's feelings like that. It might have just been a little joke but what she should learn from it is that jokes like that can really hurt people even if they weren't intended to.

I think you allowing her not to go any more teaches her to have no respect for her grandparents and very much undermines their authority and their relationship with both your daughters.

mynewpassion · 13/11/2014 13:54

So far most posters have said that she was rude. You do understand its rude and a bit mean, right?

TobyLerone · 13/11/2014 13:56

FGS. MIL overreacted massively. Let your dc come home on that day instead.

steff13 · 13/11/2014 13:57

I have a 13-year-old son, and if he did this to me, it would hurt my feelings. I may not cry about it like the grandmother did, but privately I would feel really bad. My son would know better than to say something like this, though. He might say something like this about a peer in jest, or if they were arguing, but not about an adult.

bigbluestars · 13/11/2014 13:57

I'm sorry but it sounds as if you are forcing your DD to visit her gran against her wishes. The fart comment sounds like a protest. If she doesn't want to go I wouldn't force her.

I wouldn't want a reluctant guest in my house. I would make more opportunity for your MIL to see her GDD in other circumstances. Invite her over to your home for a meal once a week or plan an outing.

miaowmix · 13/11/2014 13:59

I think that's incredibly rude and disrepectful of your daughter towards her gran's feelings. At 13? I'd send my 7 year old to her room for less. Personal comments are so unpleasant. Did you reprimand your DD?

however · 13/11/2014 14:00

It was very unkind, and, honestly, a bit thick that she allowed it to be seen.

My grandmother, as she got older couldn't keep her farts in. It mortified her. She'd have been dreadfully upset if we'd done anything like that.

wigglesrock · 13/11/2014 14:03

I'd be so angry with my kids if they'd upset either of their grandmothers like this. It's very hurtful and I'd be telling that my daughter that it showed she wasn't mature enough to be trusted in the house without an adult.

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