MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

Mil are allowed feelings but by the look of it this 13 year olds geelings have been pretty disregarded as well. When we discount people of any age they will react

If your dd did this as a ploy to stop going then it shows she has a nasty, calculating streak in her. I'm amazed you can't understand why she is so upset. If that's your attitude then maybe it explains why your child feels it's ok to be horrid to her own family.

yes It was rude, but total overreation. Mabey this is a good time to pull the plug on Wednesdays for the time being, and make dd apologise to grandma.

Is your DD this nasty to all the people who care about her?
Or does she save it up for her grandmother?

"Mil are allowed feelings but by the look of it this 13 year olds geelings have been pretty disregarded as well. When we discount people of any age they will react"

Really? Like a 4 year old?

I would expect 13 year olds to understand that grandma like them to visit, and they should make the best of it.

What was the situation that led to your DD writing this? Was it out of malice, or did she think it would be found funny? Was she angry about something?
My mum (gran to 4 grandchildren) would have found it funny, but that's my mum and she is very chilled out. She wouldn't bat an eyelid. I think being hysterical over it is a bit ott, I could understand her being cross about the rudeness though. Has she got any medical issues that may make her smell or be paranoid about smelling?

Mellow- I agree.

Op why are you forcing your DD to go against her wishes? Is it out of some duty? I agree what your DD was wrong, but we must put things in context.

Why are you forcing this relationship if your DD doesn't want to participate in the way you are forcing her.

I wouldn't be happy about having to visit someone weekly that I didn't want to. why should children's feelings be disregarded? It's not allowing a teenager to dictate terms, it's about respecting feelings.

It does seem like an overreaction but as others have said it obviously did upset your MIL. Regardless of why it upset her it did and therefore DD should apologize.

Maybe you need to re-think how DDs and grandparents spend their time together. Could they organize to do something they enjoy together not necessarily on a Wednesday. It seems that perhaps there was already tension in the relationship before fartgate (sorry couldn't resist )

What a rude disrespectful thing to do to her grandmother who has loved and cared for her all her life. I hope you got her to apologise. She should know better at 13.

Perhaps your mil did overreact but she probably know her granddaughter does not want to go there any more and so it must be hard knowing that and then get your granddaughter be so rude.

an extremely nasty thing for your dd to do. really horrible. maybe your mil over reacted but I can imagine how hurt she felt. Does your dd understand how she felt?

Let your DDs go to your house and sort themselves out. You deserve to come home one day to an impromptu rave and a destroyed house

I might not react in such a way myself but I'd be hurt if someone I loved very much wrote that about me.

It was rude and unnecessary and it doesn't reflect well that your DD can't 'understand the reaction'. She did something that wasn't very nice and the person on the receiving end was upset. What's not to understand?

very hurtful for your MIL. Surprised that you are surprised by her reaction. I hope (though I doubt) you gave your DD a proper bollocking for being so nasty. She sounds as lacking in empathy as you!

With GDC displaying such charm, the grandparents would probably be secretly delighted if they never came back.

I'd have gounded my DCs for life if either of them had been so vile. Is she always so horrible?

"nasty little girl" "horrid" "calculating". Fucking hell. She was probably having a joke to herself forgetting she's talking about an adult.

And this whole making a 13yo see them every week. Do they normally get on?
I was made to see my gran all the time.
I hated it, I hated her, I couldn't say anything because nobody listened. Why do we still force children to spend so much time with people they dont want to?

my Grandmother and my Mum would both have reacted far worse if a teenager had done that. Fart is according to them not a word anyone should use, I can vividly remember having my mouth washed out with washing up liquid for saying 'eww baby bro farted' (I was a teenager, he was a baby and was sat on my lap) so it may be that your MIL was brought up in a similar way.

Even if she's not sensitive about the word it was a really mean thing to do and your DD is old enough to know it could upset her Nan, if she doesn't want to go I wouldn't keep forcing her long term but i would make her keep going a bit longer, just so she doesn't think being spiteful and rude gets her out of things

Bit childish at 13 really? . I've a not terribly mature 7yo ds, and he would know this was a nasty thing to do. It's more than a bit childish.

What does the other DD say about it all?

I'm with the poster who doesn't get why your MIL is upset come to think of it, it's obviously been very hurtful to her whether you think it's an over reaction or not. What is your own relationship line with her and could your DD be picking up on any possible negative vibes?

Oswin. Projection or what?

Why do we still force children to spend so much time with people they dont want to?

how about free bloody childcare?. Not to mention knowing your children are safe and not wandering the streets.

'Why do we still force children to spend so much time with people they dont want to?'

to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them and their likes and dislikes? GPs won't be around for ever. The OP hasn't said that their DC don't like their GPs (and she has said that the GPs love them), just that the DC would rather go home. Won't kill them to spend a couple of hours a week with their GPs.

Could be a good time to teach your daughter a little empathy. Just because you both 'don't get it' doesn't make the hurt that your daughter caused any less valid. My mum has IBS and would have been deeply hurt by what your daughter wrote.

Why is a couple of hours after school when they'd rather be at home flopped in front of the telly picking their noses considered a good way to 'keep in touch' with their grandparents?

Might it be because it lets you off the hook of having to see them other times?

Teens can be a hard time for relationships with grandparents, teens are pushing the boundaries with everyone and grandparents are not the best equipped to deal with it and likely to have very different ideas about acceptable behaviour. Parents, IMO, need to be the grease to the wheel if you want your teens to come out the other side with a good, adult relationship with their GPs.

Your daughter has been extremely rude and disrespectful, and if you've said 'oh god MIL has overreacted' then all you've done is confirm to your daughter that this is an acceptable way to treat people. I really hope she has been made to apologise profusely.

I can't imagine ever saying/writing or even thinking something like this about my nan. I'd have been in a heap of trouble if I had. Maybe your mil did overreact but you should be giving your dd one hell of a ticking off. Remind her that her grandparents won't be around forever so she needs to make the most of it while she can.
My nan died ten years ago last week and I miss our cups of tea and chats every day.