MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

You don't get why she's upset?
You and your daughter seem to have similar difficulties with understanding what rudeness is. She was unkind to someone who has done nothing wrong.
What's your DH's opinion?
I hope DD runs you ragged over the next few years.

Infantise doh.

It's quite ironic that some posters who are so concerned about the girl's feelings are quick to dismiss the grandmother's. IMO the girl was extremely rude and she clearly hurt her grandmother's feelings. In the OP's place, I'd have very strong words with the girl. I would hope she would understand how wrong she was and I'd also hope the idea of an apology would come from her directly. If not, I'd still insist on an apology and if the girl couldn't do that with good grace I'd be extremely disappointed.

It may be worth revisiting the weekly trips to grandparents if the children aren't enjoying them. But that issue should be separate from the issue of the unkind behaviour.

Zevite not everyone thinks like that, some are embarassed and ashamed let alone a 13 year old highlighting it to them!

To be honest it doesnt matter if you thought it was rude or not, the person who felt hurt was Mil. Its a respect thing really and a generational thing. I would feel mortified if my DD said/wrote that to Mil and I would expect her to apologise.

Failed yes. Actually between my own mum asnd mil, my mum is the one more likely to play the drama queen (she corrected my then 3 year old for saying innocently and affectionately that she was a nice old lady, and rather haughtily informed her she was middle aged :o )but even she would (I think) not have hysterics about something so petty.

People are giving the OP a hard time because people love pearl clutching, esp if combined with an opportunity to claim an imagined moral high ground - the double standards involved apparently go unnoticed.

'They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone'

this is all the OP has said about her DC's feelings on stopping at their GPs. From that I would take it that they think they are old enough to be by themselves at home and think their parents are babying by making them go to GPs. Not that they don't like it in itself, or don't like their GPs, or find it painful.

Is the MIL rude and insulting to DD? Are mutual happy insults part of their normal interactions?
Because that's the sort of thing that ViteVitch is describing, my dad regularly slaps mum on the bum and says 'Shift your fat arse' and she's rude back to him. That's how their relationship works.
So, does DD take coments about her appearance, hobbies and behaviour with a smile? Or does she only dish it out?

At 13 I went to my grandmas and kept her company, helped her do the jobs she found difficult.

I would excuse this in an eight year old and tell them off. At 13 I think it is very rude and inexcusable behaviour and I would be very angry with her.
If you don't understand this you are as rude as she is.
If she wants to reduce the visits she could tell you but there was no need for this .

Or maybe the OP is sending her DD as a visit by proxy- saving her the bother.

She doesnt like going.
Your MiL knows she doesnt like going and that is why she was so upset at the "fart" thing.
Maybe she is also a bit touchy?
It was rude of your DD. But not the end of the world IMhO.

Have dd apologise and cut back on the visits, for everyone's sake.

Is this the only time that they see their GPs?
In which case you'd think that they could put up with it.

I supposed it's more the enforced being looked after that they object to?

What is wrong with expecting two 13 year-olds to visit their grandparents once a week?

Mil doesn't need to read literature. She's had kids herself. it was rude. Her feelings were hurt. An apology is required. Simples.

Just to say, I remember crossings similar line with my own DGM when I was roughly this age.
We were all sat having lunch and nan said something silly and I said "oh nana you plonker"
I got a total grilling and was utterly humiliated at the table infront of everyone. I thought the word "plonker" was actually acceptable and was a little bit of a friendly joke, of course this was because if I had said this to anyone else it wouldn't have been a problem; it was a word my father used regularly and I had used before for a bit of a giggle with out any bad reaction .
I don't remember much of my childhood but I remember this horrendous feeling of getting it totally wrong and being upset nobody had told me not to use it on my nanas company.
"Smells like fart" sounds like something I wouldn't batter an eyelid to if My dd said it to me, or within our own home, she's probably feeling horribly embarrassed that she has clearly got it so wrong. Is she?
You need to simply say nana doesn't like people making jokes about her no matter how lightheartedly it was meant. This should of been done before (maybe it has? Which makes it another story) before dd was left alone with DGM.
Honestly, she was being silly and thoughtless but that's it. She's a child, she will make mistakes, isn't that all part of growing up?

Saying someone smells of fart is a term of endearment round here. We're a flatulent family.

I wouldn't be impressed if one of mine had been making personal remarks about something hurtful tho. But equally..... I think you and your MIL have brought it on yourselves by making your DD go round there to the point of boredom and resentment.

Children do not exist for the pleasure and entertainment of adults. 13 is plenty old enough to choose not to have to go to their GPs every week.

Out of interest would you all be encouraging OP to go along with the child's wishes if she had decided she didn't want to go to school any more? Or do homework? Or have a shower? She's a child albeit a rude one

I don't understand the attitude that if you don't want to do something you just don't do it. Have we all become so selfish that we can't spare a couple of hours for people that love us. If these girls were being asked to go every evening I think that would be different, but once every seven days with a meal thrown in, how can that be such a hardship? Kindness and tolerance cost nothing. That poor Nan, how hurtful. I

A lecture and forced apology won't, of course, make any 13 years old genuinely feel remorse and a desire to make amends - they may mollify nan, and would make certasin pasrents feel self satisfaction for being seen to come down hard, but dd will learn nothing and become more resentful of visits/ nan generally and more inclined to feel she is the victim for being forced to go there every week/ nan shouldn't have snooped on her doodfling etc.

Maybe she already feels bad, having had time to reflect, and will offer to make a genuine apology and make it up to nan, if not thern rastyher thasn "a goog telling off asnd being masde to apologise" she needs a conversation in which her feelings about the visit and nan's feelings about the doodfle are discussed together, so she can agree both her feelings and her nan's feelings are equally important, and so make a genuine attempt to make up with her nan.

kab I agree - sounds about right.

People are giving the OP a hard time because people love pearl clutching, esp if combined with an opportunity to claim an imagined moral high ground - the double standards involved apparently go unnoticed.

Yes. ^

the girl was rude, the granny OTT the visits are too much,

Hak, forcing young dc to see grandparents they dont want too or anyone they dont want too for hours, alone every single week, is not teaching the child selflessness.

'the girl was rude, the granny OTT the visits are too much'

I agree, but I bet those evenings are so very convenient for the OP. It's her that DD should be cross with.

I wonder what the granddaughter said when the doodle was seen and whether that might also have had an incendiary effect?

But that's a different issue. What your daughter did was deeply unkind. At her age she should be able to understand that other people have feelings and don't deserve that kind of treatment. If she cannot gain this understanding through maturation, she's relying on you. Given that you don't appear to get it yourself, this may not be a good thing.

She must make amends. If you can't see why she should do it for her grandmother, accept that she should for her own growth.

Big mountain out of a molehill. Dd was rude. She should have been told off and made to apologise. Mil over reacted.

Please do not allow dd to give up going so else she is being rewarded for bad behaviour.

After christmas when this incidence is forgotten then you can perhaps think gain about the idea of the visits. Perhaps change it to once a fortnight but do it gradually missing out the odd week or so at first so it isn't a big deal, more about them growing up and being busy.