MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

i'm still intrigued as to how on earth this woman can prefer one TWIN gd over the other.

It does sound odd, doesn't it. I'm a mum of twins, though, & I've noticed that some people seem to feel more need to compare & contrast when talking about them than they might with other siblings.

My PIL have never shown favouritism, but did show a tendency, almost from birth, to label them in some way - eg. claiming that DS1/DS2 was noisier / more demanding / more affectionate / whatever. We always responded by saying that they're both individuals & both show different traits at different times. I think PIL got the message that we didn't want constant comparisons & stopped doing it. We've had it from other people, though, including teachers & other parents.

In our case our boys don't have such strongly defined differences as OP's daughters, by the sounds of it. But I do think that the twin thing can exacerbate labelling & favouritism. Actually, just remembered some random woman who came up to me when our two were in their buggy & asked: "Which is the good twin & which is the bad one?"

OP, I've changed my mind during the course of this thread & think you're handling it really well.

If this is the worse she does in her teens then I will be a very lucky mum! YY to this!

I think that your DD does need to apologise irrespective of whether MiL's tears are real or not.

This is about DD's actions not other people's reactions.

Perhaps this apology could be part of the 'learning to be more thoughtful' lessons?

On the other hand I would be questioning why GPs were reading a journal. IMO we are all entitled to privacy.

"On the other hand I would be questioning why GPs were reading a journal. IMO we are all entitled to privacy."

It wasn't a journal or a diary. She was doodling in a notebook.

Agree with pp re comparing twins. I have twin girls and they are constantly compared. People who meet them for the first time come up to me regularly and say "they are so different aren't they?" Well of course they are, they are two different people. I have also had people come up to me and ask which is the good one.

Fortunately neither set of gps favour one over the other although naturally have a different relationship with both.

Depends on the notebook. If it was her own then I would still be questioning why GPs looked at it. I would (and have done so) tell GPs not to pick up my teen DCs notebooks to have a look. They have no business looking at them. I wouldnt pick up DM/DPiL's notebooks for a nose and expect the same courtesy from them.

Good grief OP, you could have avoided a lot of the earlier responses if you'd mentioned your DH's response and reasons in your first post!

I agree that your DD2 should still apologise whether or not she thinks she should because it should be part of her empathy learning process - at this stage, it being genuine is barely relevant - but she should learn that her actions have consequences; in this case, making an apology that she doesn't want to.

Having read most of this thread now, agree loads of posters have gone over the top, what I would like to know is whether Dd2 is going to apologise even though she doesn't think she should. I would probably tell her I think she should apologise because of the upset caused but I wouldn't push it if she said she didn't want to. Poor DD2.

My MIL uses tears to get her own way all the time. As a result my DH (rationally or irrationally) hates women who cry (unless there is a good reason). At the moment she only uses them on us but I do wonder whether in time this might be used on the grandchildren. Am not keen to expose my kids to it even if they are teens.

Op, back in the real world kids say mean tactless things all the time. 13 is still a kid imo.

Ignore all the bizarrely ott responses in the thread. Like you said, dd is just abit immature, she's not a serial killer in the making Ffs

I really would look at reducing the amount of contact with gp's though. They may have gained alot from there time spent so far but don't underestimate the amount of damage it could do to their own sibling relationship.

*their

Good grief OP, you could have avoided a lot of the earlier responses if you'd mentioned your DH's response and reasons in your first post!

Hear, hear!

And the award for drip feed of the year goes to........

It is always irritating to give a response and then find that more information is dripped later- if you had known from the start your response would have been different!