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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

461 replies

MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 13:38

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2014 14:59

That is something a 5 year old would write not 13, I would expect a 13 year old to understand about people's feelings, and how grandma might feel if she saw it. If it was a little child I woukd laugh it off, but a 13 should know better. I probably would laugh it off, but it woukd be on my mind, like do I really smell of wee type thing.

MellowAutumn · 13/11/2014 15:00

'to teach them the world does not revolve around them ' - my kids dont think the world revolves around them but they do know i listen to and respect their feelings. She was rude but is also being forced to do somthing every week she doesnt wsnt to do - with somone who to be honest does not sound the most easy person to be around. I would prefer to reduce the visits and make them a positive experiance for everyone involved. Why do so many people seek to 'punish' their children and teach them their place rather than foster kindness and respect so that politness and goodfeeling result rather than the simmering resentment making her visit will cause

Failedspinster · 13/11/2014 15:04

I agree that it was rude and disrespectful. I wonder whether your MIL has realised that her DGC don't really want to be there (I bet they haven't been good at hiding it) and this was the last straw - she undoubtedly loves them and probably feels now that they don't love her any more. I suspect that might be behind her perceived "overreaction."

I would be furious with my DC if any of them dared to disrespect my MIL like that. I think you need to dole out a very tough punishment and certainly make your daughter go and apologise in person. Following that, I would think about how you can maintain the weekly visit to your ILs and reshape it in a way so that it becomes fun again for everyone.

Your kids are lucky to have grandparents nearby who love them and want to see them. They will be sorry and sad when those grandparents aren't there any more, so encourage them to spend time with them when they're there.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2014 15:04

Mello how do you know they don't sound like nice people, op has not said anything about them tgat could indicate this . For all we know poor granny might have a medical cindition tgat makes her smell a bit. Yes the visits should please both people, no good if dd dies not want to go. Mabey twice a month.

diddl · 13/11/2014 15:05

I think that that was really horrible of your daughter.

If it was done to get out of going then why pick on her GM-she's not the one forcing her to go!

Did your daughter apologise?

Why do you get to say how your MIL should react/feel?

i should imagine it's very hurtful that someone you love can make fun of you like that.

mommy2ash · 13/11/2014 15:12

I would hit the roof if my 7 year old upset her nan like that

Hakluyt · 13/11/2014 15:12

"Why do so many people seek to 'punish' their children and teach them their place rather than foster kindness and respect"

The child concerned is 13! If she had been 5 I would agree with you.

RiverTam · 13/11/2014 15:17

Mellow - how do you get that the MIL is hard work? Because she was justifiably upset by this?

Teens are by nature very self-centred, we all were. But one day those GPs won't be there (both my GMs, who were only only GPs at that point, died when I was 18/19). Maybe then the GDC will be grateful that their parents made this happen.

not everything that parents make their DC do is an awful thing.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 15:21

Has op come back?

Whilst its without doubt not a very pleasant thing to write, its a Roald Dhal esq thing to write and its silly nonsense.

Imagine if Grandma had responded with a big smile and blown a raspberry and laughed it off....grabbed some perfume, "am putting on my fart perfume now, its so expensive grandpa gets it specially from farmers cow poo"

Its quite telling she has been so upset and taken such a silly thing so personally! if she had a good relationship with your DD surely she would have laughed this off and known there was no malice behind it.

How good is their relationship?

Andro · 13/11/2014 15:21

She was certainly rude and way out of order, but it sounds as though her DGF was dealing with that issue quite adequately - I'd back him up on whatever he said and discuss a sanction with him (I've always favoured a lovely handwritten letter of apology as a starting point).

Floods of tears does seem a bit extreme to me, but different people react differently.

I would be very wary about using enforced visits for both DD's as a way of sending the message that 'this is not how you get your own way', that would be seen as 'punishing' DD1 do DD2's actions. I think you need to sit down with both girls for an open and honest chat about how they feel with respect to these visits, maybe there's a deeper issue here than the visits per se (or mabe your DD was just having a 'moment' as many teen are wont to do and just needs pulling back into line).

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/11/2014 15:22

Are you all teaching children to respect the feelings of others by utterly discounting the child's feelings about being made to spend every dreary Wednesday afternoon with her nan, who appears to be a bit of a drama queen!

13 year old was rude and childish, nan was very OTT in her reaction - a grown woman in "floods of tears" over a juvenile doodle, come on!

Comments on here are generally veering towards hyperbolic...

Talk to dd about both her own feelings about the visits and about showing her nan the same respect you show dd - hopefully dd herself will chose to talk to her nan instead of making a forced, resentful apology, and you can work out a way for them to see each other which they will both enjoy, rather than forcing visits to nan and masking them a joyless duty.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 15:23

I think young people at that age want to be with young people not stiff folk who can't laugh at themselves..I think its a big sign they need less time with their grandparents.

bigbluestars · 13/11/2014 15:24

Well said Mrtumbles!!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 15:25

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase Thu 13-Nov-14 15:22:00 YY.

Shallishanti · 13/11/2014 15:27

It would be over the top to be that upset if a 5 year old had done it, but a 13 year old (assuming NT) would be expected to understand the likely reactions of the GM, and therefore- considering she went ahead and did it anyway- we can conclude she doesn't care at all about her GM's feelings.
I can quite see why that would be v upsetting.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2014 15:28

Zevit the girl is 13, not 5 fgs! For all us known she could have a medical condition or not able to wash as well down there and it may be very sensitive to her. Yes at 13 she should know better. I would never have writer such a thing to anybody, as I know that this would hurt them.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2014 15:32

However grandma takes it, it's up to her how she reacts, it's not nice.you need to talk to your dd about this and make her apologise as she did something wrong, that's what we do when we have done wrong, despite others thinking otherwise. Yes Mabe visit 2 a month, if dd wants to visit more, it's up to her.

NoMarymary · 13/11/2014 15:34

Hopefully these PILS have other grandchildren who they leave all their worldly goods to and write this nasty family out of their will.

IrianofWay · 13/11/2014 15:35

I think you need to reassess whether your DD should go every week. I have an almost exact situation - my kids have been to my parents one evening a week since they started school. Now that my eldest is 17 he goes perhaps one week a month and if the others don't want to go they don't have to but so far they are OK with it mostly. I suspect your DD is fed up with it.

That being said there is no excuse for that kind of infantile rudeness. if your mother is anything like mine she is already aware that the children are getting a bit old to always enjoy her company and this incident has made it even more obvious that that period of her life is coming to an end. Hence the upset.

Your DD needs to be told i no uncertain terms that she was extremely rude and insensitive and must apologise.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/11/2014 15:36

ViteVitch what would you do if your teen child said 'You know Mum, you're quite boring and don't have my kind of sense of humour. I'd rather not see you too much anymore'.

Is that okay towards parents?

Presumably yes, if it's okay for GPs?

I agree the visits need to be rethought but presumed MIL invited because she thought she was doing something kind. If the daughter was really so angsty about it, OP should have dealt with this situation beforehand. I think you should also be prepared for your MIL to want to take a break from seeing her grandchildren and giving you free childminding

LadyRabbit · 13/11/2014 15:36

MrTumbles speaks sense.
Jeez there are a lot of people on here giving the OP a very hard time.

Mrsgrumble · 13/11/2014 15:37

In the long run. If you don't discipline your daughter for rudeness and blame other for her mistakes (ie. being sensitive) it won't be to her benefit.

I would have gone around with flowers and an apology from your daughter.

Manners cost nothing!!!

pommedeterre · 13/11/2014 15:37

You make them go for tea every week at their gps at 13? I think that's way too much and she's pissed off and bored.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 15:38

The poor kids, I am sorry but its usually the older generation who benefit more from the young at this age, the kids want to just go home and relax after school.

Instead they are being forced to go somewhere they don't want too.

I can think of many more rude things the DD could have written.

Yes make them apologise and yes talk to them about whether they want to go or not, never ever force them to go every single week FGS its far too much. Esp with sensitive precious grandma.

NoMarymary · 13/11/2014 15:39

Fortunately most people on here are giving the OP and her obnoxious daughter a hard time because they have a sense of decency and good manners!

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