MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

over reaction. get her to apologise and talk to dgp about them not needing to come any more

It was rude but i also think that an imposed visit every week is actually quite rude to your child in a way. Once a moth would be a good compromise. Plus an appology

Since when do 13yos get to dictate how their lives are run?
If she wrote that "as a protest" then she shouldn't then get away with it by being rewarded (in her eyes) for her rudeness!

I'll add to the 'she was rude but MIL over reacted' list

If you expect a certain level of reponsablity then you should give a certain level of automony.

Love the fact she shouldnt be rewarded by being mafe to go and oh yes her reward for being polite is also be be made to go

Very rude. My DS is 21 and misses his Gran like mad because she died when he was 11. I know he would still be visiting her if she was alive. Your DD doesn't so I wonder what is going on.

I think the comment was really nasty, and am not surprised your MIL was so upset.

Were you aware, before, that they didn't really want to go? Was this ever discussed?

I think that it's important to teach children to consider the feelings of others. So, your teens may not desperately want to visit their grandparents, but it is the right thing to do (with the proviso that the grandparents are also kind and loving to your children, of course).

I think your DD should be asked to consider how much she has hurt her grandmother's feelings, and how to try to make things up to her.

Hmmm I think it was very rude of DD, out of order and she does need to apologise. But at the same time she's 13, she must be straining at the bit not to have to go and be dutiful with her GPs every single week, and if MIL is difficult and touchy, even more so. It sounds almost like DD wanted to throw a spanner in the works and damage that relationship so she doesn't have to keep going, and I feel a bit sorry for her too.

That doesn't in the least excuse being rude – it would have been better to talk to you about how she felt if this is the case... but as well as making her apologise etc. I would be having a chat with her about how she feels about her GPs and the whole set-up.

After all 13 is on the way to being at an age where it would actually be unreasonable to expect her to turn up at IL's once a week.

As everyone else has pointed out, your DD was really rude & upset her nan's feelings. I'm assuming you made that very clear to her? I hope you didn't let her know that you view your MIL's overreaction as the key problem.

Re. your daughters going there after school, I think I would have listened to them & stopped making them go every week before this. Now this his happened, though, it would be a mistake IMO to stop the arrangement in the immediate future. Looks like you're rewarding your DD for her rude & childish behaviour by letting her have what she wants.

I think you should leave her in no doubt that she can't behave like this & needs to be very apologetic. It's not primarily about the word fart, surely - more about the fact she wrote something rude & unkind about her nan (& then was either daft enough to let her see, or mean enough to make sure she did).

You let her stop going and you teach her that it is okay to run away from confrontation and difficult situations. Even if it was an overreaction, perhaps it is no bad thing as it might make your DD think a bit more about how her stupid comments can affect others. You don't know what other people are sensitive about so don't throw insults about. Working through this and apologising and then seeing that things can get back to normal is healthy for your DD. Acting like she is right and can avoid it is not.

i think if you let her stop going now, it a "reward" for her rude behaviour. Assuming the PILs still want them there (which you should ask), I would ensure they kept going, at least until the new year.

Was this just out of the blue or has your DD been acting up while there for a while now?

She was undoubtedly rude, but floods of tears seems an overreaction, unless your DD has been giving it the attitude over s period of time.

I agree with bigbluestars that she doesn't want really want to go, and the solution she cooked up was to be horribly rude to her GM so that she wouldn't have to go again.

Her behaviour was unacceptable and needs to be punished, especially if GM does have medical issues. I would have (verbally) torn mine up one side and down the other if they had spoken to (about) any GP in this way!

Very rude and immature - I would be v angry if one of my DCs wrote that and I don't even like my i laws! Just shows disrespect and a mean streak as it was obviously designed to be hurtful

Actually I'm with MIL on this one.

What a really nasty hurtful thing to say.

I'm not surprised it's really upset your MIL - it presumably said to her a. her GD wanted to say something deliberately to hurt and embarrass her, b. her GD is ruder and more ill-mannered than she thought and c. it raises the possibility in her mind that her grandchildren do think she smells.

How horrid.

I think she was pretty rude and disrespectful, more so as she is 13 and should know better - MIL's reaction sounds out of proportion, but your dd should be apologising for being unkind

You don't understand why she was upset? Presumably because you subscribe to the quite widely held Mumsnet view that MILs are not entitled to feelings, or even of independent thought...........

Great way to build family realtions - make her go. And build a good dose of resentment that could toxify any future relationship she could have with her gp's. Ask her ehy she hates going ? I suspect its your mil behaviour. Ask ehat they could do together that would be fun for them bothh. Nurture thir relationdhip dont make it a punishment

Rude, disrespectful behaviour from your DD which you seem to be minimising. She should be round there apologising and you should be backing GPs.
Your 13 year old doesn't care that she's upset her GP who has loved her and showed her kindness and care all her life. I'd be very disappointed but OP doesn't seem to care either.

Your DD is 13 and her doodling was rude and offensive. I expect your MIL is upset because of all the things she could have doodled, she doodled something horrible about her !

I told my 5 year old off for saying something rude to my DM. She's old enough to understand that it's hurtful.

13????

How rude and disrespectful. I would not want my granddaughter to come to tea if she behaved like this. You are also disrespectful for making light of it.

Why don't you get that someone is really upset about something hurtful someone has done to them?

Are you really that unimaginative and lacking in empathy?

Overreaction from your MIL, but it was also very rude of your daughter too. She should reassure her grandma that she didn't mean it (I am presuming it isn't true, but even if it is) and was just being spectacularly childish/immature.

I don't know anything about your MIL obviously, but to some older generations "fart" was a terrible swear word. It is not considered so bad now, and is in common parlance, pretty much. There was a thread on here fairly recently where an OP had been surprised to learn that some people considered it swearing.