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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
wowfudge · 02/08/2014 13:31

Why have you agreed to three nights then? Not a very nice thing to do to someone at the last minute really.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/08/2014 13:33

I think you have committed so you have to see it through although 3 days is a bit much. If the other two weren't leaving would you still want to leave early? It might put a damper on your friends weekend if everyone starts pulling out. I think just stay for the full time if you can.

Pastperfect · 02/08/2014 13:34

Unless you have a specific reason for changing your plans I think you should stick with what you committed to

mameulah · 02/08/2014 13:39

I feel your pain. I can't be bothered with get togethers like that. Leave early and be nice about it!

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 13:40

It was all booked over a year ago as I've said.

The other friend only found out her DS was competing that weekend last week, so she and the friend travelling with her have only just said they're not staying the 3rd night.

For about the last month I've been trying to work out how I could leave after 2 nights but didn't want my friend to be hugely offended - now knowing 2 others are going early has compounded it I guess.

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 02/08/2014 13:41

Too late IMO. You said you would stay and it does seem a bit mean on your friend. For the future, don't agree to three nights again, I doubt I would. Two nights max for me.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 13:47

There wasn't really a choice as to number of nights, at the time birthday friend said she wanted to go for 3 nights and we all agreed.

however my circumstances are different now, and whilst I'm still happy to go for 2 nights I really don't want to go for 3.

OP posts:
mameulah · 02/08/2014 13:53

Do what you want? I have learned the hard way that that is what most people end up doing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 13:54

You have to suck it up I'm afraid. You committed to it and it's three nights; you don't get to shorten it. I understand that you want to, I'd probably feel like that too but your friend would be very upset.

If you've had to scheme for a month to think of a way to pull out for the last night then there really aren't any good reasons. What if the other three remaining would also find something else/somewhere else they have to be? Shock

Suck it up, buttercup... Wink

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2014 13:55

Are the changed circumstances just that you really don't fancy it now - or is there a proper reason that you could explain to your friend?

CheeryName · 02/08/2014 13:57

I would stay the duration as planned. Unless it was a bloody good reason ie childcare, ill relative or work issues. Not something like having a better offer/new boyfriend type of reason.

ilovepowerhoop · 02/08/2014 13:59

if there will still be 3 other friends left with her then it isnt as bad as everyone wanting to leave a day early. Why not broach the subject with her and see if she would be offended if you left earlier too.

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 14:02

I think you should stay. You say you don't want her to be offended, but I'd imagine her main emotions would be hurt and disappointment.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 14:07

The reason is a valid one to me, but I'm not sure friend would see it like that (however she doesn't have DC and only works PT so is in a slightly different situation and has more free time than I do) - basically I'm in a relatively new (but serious) relationship, almost 6 months. We are usually only able to see each other at weekends due to DC/work/other commitments etc, which is difficult, but we manage. However, it so happens (due to his ExW work commitments) that he has his DC for the entire weekend (normally we manage at least a Sun night together) both the weekend before, and the weekend after this birthday weekend, so unless I leave a night early I won't see him at all for over 3 weeks, which I appreciate may not seem that long but to me/us it would be an eternity. There's no way I wouldn't go to the weekend - much as I wish it was either the weekend before or after - BUT missing only one night I really would hope isn't the end of the world.

OP posts:
CheeryName · 02/08/2014 14:16

Hmm... I do sympathise but if I were your friend I would feel hurt. You haven't known him long and want to cut short the one weekend with an old friend, tbh not seeing him for 3 weeks is not that bad. (And can't you see him one evening when kids are in bed?)

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 14:24

We see each other every 5-6 days usually, so not seeing him for 3 weeks would be pretty rubbish. We can't see each other in the week really due to distance/work - if we did it would mean an overnight stay and whilst we have (briefly) met each other's DC neither of us feel ready to do an overnight with DC in the house for another few months.

I do feel bad to my friend however I am generally very sensitive to others, bend over backwards to help and be considerate to friends etc, part of me feels maybe for once I should be a little selfish?

The friend who is leaving early to watch her DC compete...it's an activity in which there are weekly/fortnightly comps, it's not like this is a once a year thing, so arguably she could also have stayed (as could friend who is getting a lift with her).

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 02/08/2014 14:27

I think that's a really sucky excuse....If I were your friend I'd be very Hmm

Pastperfect · 02/08/2014 14:33

That is a shit excuse.

It'd be completely different if you hadn't already agreed, but to commit and then drop a friend who you've known at least twice as long as your new boyf is really sucky

amyhamster · 02/08/2014 14:37

God I think it's fine
It's not like you're bailing on the whole weekend
They'll probably just stay in on the last night anyway as they'll be knackered & all go to bed early
I'd give birthday friend a ring & ask if she'd mind

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 14:39

I'm not dropping her though am I? Not really.

If I said 'actually sod it, I'm jacking in the whole weekend, not coming for any of it cos I'd rather be with him' then yes, that would be pretty poor form.

What I'd like to achieve is a compromise, where I still spend 2 days/2 nights with the group (which as I work FT is a fair slice of my free time), and also then get to spend 1 night with my bf.

I suspect my friend will take the view expressed here. Interestingly girls at work (who are early/mid 20s - much younger than me) said don't bother going at all, phone on the morning and say you've got a stomach bug. I'd feel terrible about doing that so couldn't, but to them it was entirely acceptable.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 02/08/2014 14:41

I'd suddenly feel ill on Sunday morning and have to get back home to my bed. Which may or may not have a man in it Wink

If a man had to leave a long weekend away early because he was on a promise, his mates wouldn't bat an eyelid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 14:42

You are dropping her. You're partially reneging on a commitment. Dress it up as you like to but you know that's what you're doing, stop making excuses for it and accept that this is what you're doing.

Why did you ever agree to 3 nights? Presumably you were working full time at the time of agreement? If not, then as soon as you went f/t you could have told her then. Dreaming up excuses for a month... very poor form, and you know it.

maudpringles · 02/08/2014 14:44

I would explain to your friend why you would like to leave early.
I remember how precious those meetings are when you cant see each other very often, I would expect a good friend to understand too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 14:46

... if girls at work are telling you 'it's fine' then why are you checking here as well? Wouldn't their permission be more to your liking?

It's because you know, deep down, that it's not ok... you just want to leave early. A three-week break from seeing somebody isn't a huge deal when you've not being seeing them long - it would probably be a very good thing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and all that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 14:47

... and I think that NO WAY would a man leave his mates early under the same circumstances. Grin