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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 18:00

They can see each other midweek! I'm sure if the BF is that keen, he can handle staying up till 1am for one night...

Questionsquestionsquestions123 · 02/08/2014 18:14

I think you should leave after the 2 nights OP. Make sure you phone your friend and explain rather than do it by text. I'm sure it will be fine, it's nice your going :) and is quite a big ask getting people to spend 3 nights away for a birthday.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:17

He seems flakey himself... happy to lie to his ex-wife and not see his kids? He sounds the sort to break promises. Match made in heaven maybe.

fairylightsintheloft · 02/08/2014 18:21

Can't believe some of the responses on here - the idea that you would totally drop a friend for doing this is bizarre. Three / four weeks is a long time and frankly three nights with friends in a cottage is probably too long anyway. If they are reasonable grown up people and you explain that it is complicated for you to see each other without dropping the last night, then I can't see the issue. You will all be hungover and knackered anyway. You are not 'ditching' you are amending plans, not leaving the birthday girl alone. I also think the one dropping out to watch the regular sporting event of her dp has a less good reason frankly.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 18:22

Just catching up with this...to clarify:

BF is prepared to stay up til 1am and has said as much, but as he has to be up again at 5am, and (without being too specific) is in a role which needs him to be alert/focussed at all times, I don't think it's safe for him to be going to work on 3-4 hours sleep, so I wouldn't let him. Which hopefully doesn't sound too much like me being his mum :)

And just to make it clear - there is NO way he would lie to get out of seeing his DC, the full weekends are actually more than the contact agreed in their court order but he agreed to it to help out his ExW, he was thinking of saying to her he couldn't have them and simply sticking to the order (having first tried to see if a family member could take them for the extra night) but as we know that would cause his ExW real difficulties with childcare etc, he won't be saying that.

Coming to pick me up on Mon is a possibility, but it's a good 3 hours each way. I am seeing him tomorrow though so will talk about it then and see if he feels it's doable. He has already met birthday friend and others and they think he's lovely.

I paid for my share of the weekend last year when it was booked, so there's no question of me not paying my 'share' I wouldn't dream of it. And I will pay a sixth of the food (we're paying for all food between us, not including birthday friend as it's her treat) - and make sure I leave the 3 friends who are staying some money to cover the time I'm not there. This definitely isn't about money.

I've known birthday friend (and one other of the group) since infant school. Our friendship has waxed and waned over the years, there's been times where we've met up every week, others where I didn't speak to her for 6 months, but we have stayed friends. I would hope that whilst she may well be a bit pissed off with me if I leave early, it won't go beyond that.

OP posts:
ChoccaDoobie · 02/08/2014 18:37

I would leave early op. I am really surprised that people think this is such a big deal. Cancelling completely would be a different matter but you are not.

MyFairyKing · 02/08/2014 18:43

Well, I still think it's shitty to agree to something and back out last minute because you'd rather be with your boyfriend however much of a saint he may be.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 18:46

Because only on MN's is it 'sad' or pathetic to not want to go without seeing the one you love for four weeks it seems.

If my hypothetical friend was pissed off and thinks I am ditching them for having to cut a day short because life circumstances have changed, then I would probably ditch them for being so immature.

Things change in a year, it's perfectly normal for someone to not want to go without seeing their partner for 4 weeks. She isn't ditching her friend, just cutting it one day short.

The hysteria here is OTT and stupid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:47

I do too, FairyKing. I wouldn't do it. If I commit to something I would see it through. I don't know why the OP has posted here really because it was obvious from the first that she's quite happy to let her friend down. I hope the others don't decide to drop out also.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 18:47

Oh come on MyFairy.. she is seeing her friend, just cutting it one night short.

And yes, I would much rather spend two nights with my friend and one with my husband if the only other option is three nights with my friend and four weeks without my husband.

Viviennemary · 02/08/2014 18:50

I haven't read this whole thread. But honestly people cancelling for this or that reason and having to leave early for this or that reason. I think it's so unfair on other people. You agreed to go for three days and barring an emergency you should keep your end of the agreement.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 19:00

I honestly cannot understand why it is so difficult to say to new b/friend "Sorry - I can't make it this weekend to see you, I have a long-standing arranged thing with a friend, which was arranged before I even met you, so she takes precedence. So sorry - I'll make it up to you another time!"

If he's anything worth his salt, he'll understand.

Flipflops7 · 02/08/2014 19:06

There are others still there, don't see the problem - I have been on both sides and life goes on.

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 19:06

I don't think the OP is worried that her boyfriend won't be understanding, it's just that she herself would like to see him.

Which is fair enough really.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 19:07

U2 - but he's not her husband!! If he were a husband who'd been away for months serving in the military in Afghanistan, for instance, or living on an oil rig for goodness' knows how long, and he'd come home completely unexpectedly, that would be different entirely.

This is a chap she barely knows, but on a whim, is prepared to slide out of a pre-arranged arrangement with a long-standing friend and let her down.

I think we all know what OP is going to choose. I just hope that her friend is still there when she needs her. Come back in a year, Gullon, and let us know how it went Smile

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 19:12

Evans, I find it really strange (and a bit arsey) how dismissive you are being about a relationship you really know nothing about to try and prove your point.

Being together for 6 months is hardly 'barely knowing' someone.

OnlyLovers · 02/08/2014 19:15

You're going on a bit about how people can't possibly understand if they don't work full-time/have kids/have partners/have long-distance partners/are in new relationships etc. It's a bit patronising.

Having said that, it sounds as though you've made up your mind. So just tell her, honestly, what you've told us.

fairylightsintheloft · 02/08/2014 19:15

she doesn't "barely know him" and she won't see for a month, which actually IS a pretty long time. Just because there are people who CAN'T see their DPs for longer, doesn't mean the OP should just just suck it up if its avoidable by missing one small bit of another thing. I would actually say it was worse if the birthday thing had been arranged more recently and then the OP changed plans. A lot can happen and change in a year which might alter things. Huge OTT reactions on here. OP is not cancelling the whole thing, or missing the most important bit, or even missing it so that she can see her DP as per usual. It is an unfortunate combination of things that have combined meaning that some sort of compromise is needed - why should she NOT want to see her DP for a month?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 19:18

I don't think Evans was arsey at all; OP has been pretty patronising saying that people 'wouldn't understand' when yes, they do, they just wouldn't drop a friend for a secondary - non-essential - arrangement.

Different standards is all.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 19:18

Molly - regardless of how long someone has been with someone else, a pre-arranged arrangement is just that. Pre-arranged, and if you change it at the last minute, then you are letting someone down.

I find it really strange how dismissive you are being about the friend being dismissed so casually.

So we're even Wink

PS - and I disagree about me being 'arsey'. I don't think I have at all. I thought this was a discussion, with the OP asking a question, people answering as to how they feel, and those same people discussing the subject amongst themselves. Isn't that what a discussion board is for?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 19:20

Thank you, LyingWitch Smile

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 19:21

Dropping a friend. Isn't that a tad dramatic?

LIZS · 02/08/2014 19:24

but she could see her dp/bf if they were equally motivated to make other arrangements. Dinner out halfway between homes - half an hour's journey time - during the week is feasible. Does he have his dc from after work Friday to before school Monday or just overnight Saturday/Sunday. Could she not visit him during the day on one of his weekends or have a day out together. May not be the same as exclusive time but that is the situation each has inherited.

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 19:29

The whole 'come back in a year' bit was slightly off IMO.

Sorry for the arsey comment, I say it far too casually IRL (I'm irish :o ) but it obviously comes across much worse when it's written in a post.

CinnabarRed · 02/08/2014 19:43

Why can't your BF drive to you midweek, spend the night, and leave at he crack of dawn the following morning?

That's what now-DH and I did when he was living in the Midlands and I was living in Hampshire. True, he didn't particularly relish getting up at 5 and driving 2.5 hours before work, but he did it because he wanted to spend time with me more than he wanted an extra couple of hours in bed.

If your BF did that, he wouldn't need to even see your DCs because he'd be off before they wake.