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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 16:50

It wouldn't bother me at all if I were your friend, you're an adult and can make your own decisions not a 10 year old skipping out of a sleepover.

You reason sounds fine imo. You're going for 2 nights so it's not as if you are ditching your friends for a man, although I do find that sort of attitude very immature regardless.

Talk to your friend, she probably won't actually mind once you explain it.

todayisnottheday · 02/08/2014 17:00

Apologies if this had been said but can't you and friend who's getting a lift swap? That way you get back a day early, she gets the extra day (and gets home by whatever your method would have been?) and it's still only two leaving. Or would that not work?

Either way I don't think yabu. Three days seems a long time to me.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 17:02

I wonder what people would say if the OP was along the lines of:

A year ago I booked a 3 day weekend away with 6 friends for my birthday in a couple of weeks. One of them has said she won't be able to see her bf of 6 months standing for a whole month if she comes for the full 3 days so she has proposed only coming for 2 nights so she can see him with only 2 fortnight gaps instead of weekly like she normally does. I think this is shitty of her. I am her friend and she should come for the whole 3 days and suck it up that she won't see her bf for a month. AIBU?

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 17:09

I would ask why staying for 2 nights to celebrate the OP's birthday, presumably bringing a nice gift and spending a lovely time together isn't enough?

It just comes across as stroppy and spoiled. Not a great way to behave as an adult.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 17:11

Actually, Waffly - worse than that:

A year ago I booked a 3-day weekend away with six friends for my birthday in a couple of weeks. We've been planning it for ages and getting very excited. Now two of them told me the other day they have to leave early, and a third has also decided she has to leave early because she is in a new, very important relationship, which appears to mean more to her than I do. We've been friends for a long time and I had been so looking forward to this weekend with my friends. They seemed to be excited about it too, at the time. Now they're all pulling out - I feel so hurt and don't feel I want to bother about any of it now. I really thought I could rely on my friends. AIBU?

TonyThePony · 02/08/2014 17:11

How often do you see your friends, OP?

Also... I'm pretty certain I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with if my partner suggested lying to get out of seeing his DC so he could see me instead. That's actually pretty horrible.

Earlybird · 02/08/2014 17:12

OP - I think you absolutely stick to the original plan because

  • this is your good, longterm friend
  • this is a long-standing plan, which you agreed to freely
  • this is a time to make your friend feel special

But, as you sound determined to cut the weekend short, OP tell us: what, exactly, do you plan to say to your friend to explain the change in plans?

And agree completely with others: make sure you, and the other two who are leaving early still plan to contribute your share for the entire weekend, not just for the days you are there.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 17:14

It just comes across as stroppy and spoiled. Not a great way to behave as an adult.

Where on earth did you get that from? The poor birthday girl has said nothing at all, she doesn't even yet know that a third "friend" from the group is pulling out of an arrangement that has been in place for a year.

ChoccaDoobie · 02/08/2014 17:15

I disagree with the majority of posters. A lot can change in a year and you now have a bf that you don't see that often. If I were your friend this would not bother me at all. You are already going for 2 nights and there will be 4 left anyway. I can't relate to people getting arsey about stuff like that.

MarthaMeltdown · 02/08/2014 17:15

Assuming the holiday is Friday-Monday, could you not just leave on the Monday morning and spend the day with BF then? If he could honour his promise of picking you up, then that would be even better - you just wouldn't be able to sleep together that night. But that doesn't matter right?

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 17:16

Evans, it was in response to waffly's pretend AIBU, not the actual friend.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 17:20

Evans - what the other two have done is not the responsibility of the actual OP.

No one on this thread that I've seen has criticised her choice because others pulled out but because it's to see her bf.

Earlybird · 02/08/2014 17:21

Molly said :
' I would ask why staying for 2 nights to celebrate the OP's birthday, presumably bringing a nice gift and spending a lovely time together isn't enough? '

Two nights would be enough if that was the original plan. But the plan was always for 3 mights. Now very close to the event, OP is changing the longstanding plan because something she'd rather do has come into the picture.

OP - your friend may be understanding. Maybe she won't mind. But, if you leave early, don't be surprised if the friendship is never the same.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 17:25

If the other two leaving early were included in the alt OP then I would say, sorry that must be a bit disappointing to you that your party size will be reduced on the last day but them's the breaks. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time regardless.

MollyHooper · 02/08/2014 17:30

I know I am among the minority here but it all just seems so ridged.

Plans change, it's nothing personal unless you make it so.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 17:40

Oh, okay Molly! Smile

Waffly - but three of the group of friends are pulling out early. This surely has to be hurtful to the birthday friend. First friend has a sporting event, fine I suppose (but couldn't the Dad go to that - not always are both parents able to attend. We don't know the circumstances, so fair enough). Second friend has to go as she's relying on the lift (so are they the only two friends living close to each other and very far away from everyone else - again, we don't know, I assume this must be the case). Disappointing for the birthday friend, as this has been arranged, but okay, this can't be helped. Now third friend is baling out because of a brand- new boyfriend. (And sorry - six months is brand-new, not yet "committed" relationship).

Maybe the first two bale-outs are unavoidable, but the third definitely is. If it were me, I'd be trying to make up for the other two having to leave early, not wondering how I could get out of it as well. I find it sad that supposedly good friends can so easily let each other down at the drop of a hat.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 17:42

If you were my friend I would tell you to cut it short to see your boyfriend.

Three weeks is a long time, especially in the honeymoon phase and YANBU to want to see him.

As a grownup I would totally understand that and would be happy for you to leave a day early.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 17:43

If I was relying on my one bestest friend for a weekend just us two I'd be pretty gutted and annoyed if she did this but I'd still say ok, because I'm hardly going to enjoy myself the last day knowing that she'd rather be elsewhere.

In these circs I'd probably feel a bit paranoid that the others might pull out too, but I'd stifle it. They probably feel guilty as it is.

ChoccaDoobie · 02/08/2014 17:43

I say this as someone whose brothers and dad left half way through my wedding reception to attend other events! Yes, I was a bit pissed off but I love them and don't think the world revolves around me. I wouldn't give it a second thought if a friend did this, however you must still pay your share, your other friends shouldn't have to absorb the cost of you leaving early.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2014 17:44

I would think you were flaky and a bit pathetic. I wouldn't really respect a friend who did this.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 17:46

Oh and I would also understand that a year changes a lot and plans may need to be changed a bit to accommodate other things that may come along which wasn't expected when the original plans were made.

I would hate to be away from my husband for three weeks, and I would have hated it at the start of our relationship as well so I would have been honest with my friend and any friend of mine would be understanding about it.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 17:49

What is pathetic about not wanting to wait for three weeks to see your partner?

The majority of people in a new relationship would hate the idea of waiting to see a new partner for three weeks.

Perhaps people are forgetting what it is like to be in a new relationship .

I am married and I definitely wouldn't want to even spend three days away from him unless it was unavoidable, but I guess many would class that as pathetic as well.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 17:58

Completely agree with Marthameltdown's suggestion that you get your BF to pick you up on Monday morning. That'd be much better all round.

  1. He can come in and meet your friends in a nice atmosphere, you can show him off, your friend will be happy for you and not annoyed;
  2. You'll be being a person of integrity who keeps their commitments, even when something better comes along. That will make your BF have 100000x more respect for you than if you blow off your friends to go and see him;
  3. It'll make you both keener to see each other. Long term, that'll be good - he might spend that lonely Sunday night designing your engagement ring online because he cannot bear ever to go so long without you again;
  4. If you blow out your own life for a BF, you're being a doormat. Sorry but you are. Don't be a doormat. Tell your BF you will miss him like MAD but you can't break your promise to your friend. That will make him love you SO MUCH MORE than your ditching your own fun plans and commitments a day early in order to see him.
wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 17:58

It's 4 weeks. I think the OP has calculated wrong. If the don't see each other 3 weekends in a row it's 4 weeks without seeing each other.

I don't know anyone who would happily go that long unless they were not bothered in which case they wouldn't be with them at all at 6 mnonths.

ChoccaDoobie · 02/08/2014 17:59

It's strange to me that some people are commenting that because this is a new relationship op is being particularly pathetic. Why? I've been with DW for 10 years, she works away for most of the week and is often abroad. I make sure I get to spend time with her when she is home. If I was in a situation where I might not see her for 3 weeks I would definitely cut a weekend short to do so. I think most people would, it's not pathetic at all.

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