to leave early?

[gullon]

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

We're not just 'dating'! We're in a serious relationship, he's not just some bloke I'm having casual sex with. We are committed to each other. Then you can survive three weeks.

he is bothered at least as much as me if not more so, he has been desperately trying to arrange an alternative, and is prepared to risk a row with his ExW by saying he can't have DC 2 full weekends etc,

Look, he has responsibilities!! How dare he ask if he can off load his kids when he only sees them EOW just so he can have sex see his gf! His kids are more important than that, surely?

You both seem to have no idea about keeping promises/holding down responsibility!

Your part in this stinks very much of 'friends are there when there is nothing better to do'. In your case, your 'better' is a boyfriend.

Glad you aren't my friend. I take promises to my friends seriously & would expect them to honour that too.

because we're both at work, and both work long hours Meh! My dh has an hours drive to work, it's doable in the morning if you decide to stay overnight. A few hours is better than none, surely? If you are that serious, I expect you could keep a few bits at his/he could keep a few bits at yours & travel straight to work. To be able to see him would be worth a little extra travel time.

Who on earth has friends who would cut them out for spending two nights on a birthday weekend rather than three?!! The point is, is that the op is ditching a year long plan to be with a guy she is seeing. That would piss me off, to be honest.

it's nothing personal unless you make it so. It is very personal when a friend wants out of a commitment made a yr ago, so much so that she has been thinking for an entire MONTH of an excuse to cut & run early! Very personal indeed!

I don't know anyone who would happily go that long unless they were not bothered in which case they wouldn't be with them Well I did it very early on in a relationship at 16. It had nothing to do with not being bothered, but completely out of necessity. I wasn't happy about it, of course. But I survived. And so did our relationship.

This thread has truly jumped the shark

I'm not sure why the OP keeps defending her relationship because, for me, it's not the issue, The issue is that she made a commitment of 3 days to her friend and now she has a better offer, she's trying to back out.

The thing is I would totally understand if you were my friend and I honestly think my friends would feel the same. I try not to heap pressure on my friends and understand that partners and children are a priority. I was only able to attend 1 night of my best friends' hen celebrations because I was a single mum at the time and dd was ill. None of the other women there had kids but they all understood.

that's it exactly fairyking

"oh I am sorry I have a subsequent engagement" ...i am upgrading my earlier comment of sucky to fucking rude

OP have you even asked your friend yet or are you going to sneak out of a bathroom window on day three after breakfast and hope no one notices your rudeness?

I do think YWBU to leave early but I do sympathise. I think if i was your friend I would be disappointed but how I felt properly would depend on what kind of person you are.

I have one friend who would always make time for her friends, if she asked me then I'd know that she really wanted to see him and that she was genuinely torn. Another friend is a 'ditcher', the moment she gets a guy she fucks off. If you were like her I would be very annoyed and think that a) I shouldn't have been surprised and b) it was classic you.

I'd personally stick with the original plan, but it sounds like you are going to leave early anyway. Whatever you do make sure you ring her, don't email or text.

That's true, flying.

Maybe the people who are frothing about it have bad experiences of ditchers and the people who are more sympathetic don't.

YABVU

You have a prior engagement, with your friend, to celebrate her birthday over three nights. Regardless of how long you've known about it and whatever else might have come up, the right thing to.do is.to.honour your commitment.

Love the assumptions some people have made!

I'm not rushing home to see my DC on the Monday because they won't be here - the only reason I was able to agree to the weekend last year was because I knew this was one of the weekends they would be with their father. I would not have been able to go, nor would I have made arrangements to do so, unless that was the case. They are with their father until Monday evening - so leaving earlier on Mon makes no difference as I will not see them until 8-9pm on Monday anyway.

My bf doesn't and hasn't let his DC down (love how some people are so keen to jump on the deadbeat dad thing for any/all single fathers!) I have explained there is a court agreement in place which he has never failed to stick to over the several years since his divorce - he was asked to have his DC 1 extra night (ie 3 and not 2) for 2 weekends to help out his ExW, which normally he wouldn't hesitate to agree to - he did waver on realising that those weekends plus the one I was away would mean a long gap of not seeing each other BUT we agreed it wouldn't be fair on his ExW as it would leave her without childcare. So it's a non-issue.

And as a couple of posters have (thank you!) pointed out, I've made it clear why we can't do overnights during the week. My DC are not babies, and are up late/at various times during the night. They are getting to know my DP, but as their mother I am fairly sure they are not ready for him to be sleeping over, even in the spare room - and if he did, however early he left they would know. So it's really a non-starter right now.

Anyway, have now had discussions both with my bf and also one of the other friends who is going. I've not yet spoken to the birthday friend as she is away this week. Other friend - let's call her S (one of the 3 who were staying) has found out her family expect her back by Mon lunchtime for a family BBQ/party (knowing her family, not attending isn't an option) so she needs to leave first thing Mon morning - and is going to ask the friend she's travelling with (we'll call her J) if they can set off around 7.30/8am - assuming that J agrees to leave at that time, I'm now going to go back with them (which gets me about 2/3 of the way home) and bf is going to meet me and we'll drive the final 1/3 together. If for any reason J isn't prepared to leave that early, me and S are going to get a train back around the same time, and again bf will meet me part of the way. It's not a perfect solution but it's better than the alternative. Bf and I have also found an eve the week beforehand where we can both leave work slightly early (well, on time actually, but anyway...) and will get about 3 hours together - which will make the lack of weekend time a bit easier to bear too. I would prefer to leave a day earlier ideally and if I was being completely selfish I would, I'll admit that BUT I do feel on reflection like leaving early Mon is the best compromise all round.

I think you're doing the right thing. Have a great time and safe journey back.

Thanks :)

So do you mean that yet another two of the group have also now pulled out? One who HAS to go to a family barbecue, one who can't say to her family "Sorry, I have a previous commitment, something that's been arranged for ages, so I can't come". So by my calculations, only one other friend is left with the birthday girl. Or am I wrong?

"So by my calculations, only one other friend is left with the birthday girl. Or am I wrong?"

Only half wrong, EvansOval!

I think they are going to avail themselves of the beds that last night, (with presumably an early night because) they will leave at 7.30am ... so five gone at that stage ... but, hey ho, at least the birthday girl (and one good friend, I think) will have the place to themselves for the last few hours.

It'll give them a chance to crack on with the (self-catering) cleaning!!!

Gullon - I hope you have a lovely weekend with your friends and enjoy seeing your bf on the Monday.

In my group of friends this wouldn't be a big deal, IMO 3 nights away for a birthday is a bit excessive anyway. I wouldn't even feel the need to specifically state why I was only staying the 2 nights, plans were made over a year ago, you've paid your part, plans can change, you're going to be there for the 2 nights - I don't see a problem.

Evans - no they are staying all 3 nights but leaving a bit earlier on the Monday, what else would you be doing anyway, lying on in bed?

Leaving earlier on Monday is the obvious compromise. It's not even a compromise IMO , just what you do. The morning after the last night of any break away for me is a time I just want to get the hell home as early as possible, not hag about. You get to spend the whole day with the boyfriend without compromising your weekend commitments.

Non-issue!

It's not the morning after the last night though, is it, Vivi? Three night bank holiday break planned, presumably this is Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. So five of the six friends are leaving either on Sunday, or early Monday morning. So they have all reneged on the arrangement, with some only staying one night, and some for two. Not the full three for any of them as planned. (Again, my calculations may be wrong, so stand to be corrected on that).

And as Dish says, leaving just two people to clean up afterwards. Nice!

Maybe it's Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night? In any event, cleaning up will hopefully be done before leaving.

Actually, Gullon, it does sound as though you've reached a happy compromise, and you're not leaving the party too early after all. In that case, good on you. Your friend won't be feeling too let-down by everyone, and you will see your b/friend too. Well done, if that's the case!

Didn't realise it was a bank holiday. Is it the Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night, gullon, with 5 of the 6 friends now leaving after two nights?

Or is it the Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night, so you are now actually going to stay for all 3 nights, but leave at 7.30am on the last day?

If the latter, then you are half way there (to doing the right thing, in my opinion )! Most self-caterings have to be vacated by 10, so why not stay until (a compromising) 9? Gives ample time for 5 people to clean up and time to say a proper goodbye to everyone, but still time to meet your BF on route?

the 3 nights we're booked in for are Fri, Sat and Sun. So 2 are leaving after 2 nights, the rest of us are staying the full 3 nights and 2 or 3 of us are then leaving early Mon morning (I'm not sure when we have to be out by, but I expect - given previous holiday cottage experience - it's 10/11 at the latest) so in going early we're not missing anything - it's possible birthday friend or one of the others may have planned for us all to go for lunch or bimble around together on the last day, but my plan would always have been to head straight home, the only difference is I'm going 1-2 hours earlier than need be.

As for cleaning, I'm the 'Monica' of our group and tend to clean a lot on a daily basis, I doubt it would even occur to the others to clean or tidy - beyond any breakfast washing up on the last day, I will certainly make sure I've done my own washing up but won't be staying for a final clean (which I doubt will even happen).

Haha!! I now envisage the OP all packed up in record time and about to head out the door for a dirty daytime legover happy reunion with boyfriend... her own dishes washed and dried and put away... hand on the front doorknob to leave... cursory glance over her shoulder... Hmm. The dustbunnies. We can ignore them. But what's that - oh just a few crumbs. Nevermind. Oh but there's still used glasses on that side table... and the cushions are all flattened and mushed in... and urgh smears on the coffee table. How will you be able to resist the cleaning urge OP?! Not sure I could.

If it ends up we're getting a lift I may well squeeze in 10 mins cleaning in those circumstances - however as I have a real fear of missing trains (and always turn up mega early for them) if it ends up we get the train back I will just have to pretend I can't see any mess before we leave!

Op I was going to say yanbu from the start, but even more so now. My husband and I have been together since we were teens, and in the 18 years since have never been apart more than 5 days! I don't really care if people think that is pathetic, its just the way we are. So I completely understand your stance. Hope you all have a fab weekend!

Fingers crossed it all goes well - am actually quite looking forward to it.

Friend that was giving other friend a lift doesn't want to set off early, so we're on the train back (or least I am part of the way) just trying to book a ticket now that I won't require a small mortgage for!

Have fun!