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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
heavenhelpus · 02/08/2014 15:32

Gosh if I was your friend I'd want you to see your new b/f! You'll already have had 2 nights by that point. Other people are leaving early.

It's only a bloody birthday - you'll have given her a full weekend by that point!

Go and see your bf.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:33

I think the attitudes on this thread have made my mind up for me.

Having pondered on it, my view is that ditching the whole weekend would be shit, and I couldn't do that. But 2 nights there, and one with my bf seems the best available compromise. Those 3 weeks (when we've never gone more than 5/6 days in 6 months without seeing each other) will be bad enough if I see him just for that one night, and I know he feels entirely the same (he's offered to drive the 4 hours to come and pick me up from the weekend to save me getting the train, and so he gets to see me 4 hours sooner, so I'm in no doubt as to the effort he does make and is prepared to make).

Napoleon, I do understand what you say - however my group of friends are in their early/late 40s, so there won't be any more children coming along now! I've done my bit of going to weekends away when my DC were toddlers, which was always a struggle because I was then the only one with children, but I did it to keep friendships going - sometimes I left early, or arrived late, but I still went. Hence I still intend to go now, just not for the whole thing.

OP posts:
PoirotsMoustache · 02/08/2014 15:33

If you're really committed to each other than you'll survive three weeks apart. If I were your friend and you did to me what you're thinking of doing to your friend, I would be really hurt and wonder how much our friendship meant to you.

If things work out with this guy, you'll hopefully have the rest if your lives together. Three weeks will be nothing in the long run. If things go horribly wrong, you'll need your friends.

PoirotsMoustache · 02/08/2014 15:33

then not than!

thornrose · 02/08/2014 15:34

Ugh, horribly constructed last sentence. I'll try again.

If you genuinely felt it was a fair excuse you wouldn't be getting yourself in knots.

ballstoit · 02/08/2014 15:36

YABU. It's not about 'seeing' your bf, it's about sleeping with him as far as I can see. He can come over but you don't want your kids to see him there in the morning...so have dinner, and the evening together and then he can go home.

Voila-you see him, your dc don't wake up with him there and you don't dump your friend on her birthday.

PoirotsMoustache · 02/08/2014 15:37

X post I think you'd already made your mind up OP. I hope your friend doesn't mind being dumped early for something 'better'.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 15:37

I think your excuse is pretty shitty, tbh, and incredibly hurtful to your friend to try to slip off early. The arrangement with your friend was in place a long time before you even met this other " commitment "
I really hate it when people do this. Utterly pathetic, IMO

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:42

We have met each other's DC, I said that upthread. However we are not at the stage of staying overnight with DC present, even in separate rooms. We are still trying to get both sets of DC gently used to the idea of the other person being 'around' it's a slow process and not one either of us wishes to rush.

As for taking time off, we've got a big work project due shortly so all holiday leave (other than anything booked months ago, or for genuine emergencies) has been banned, hence without lying to my employers, which I have no intention of doing, there's nothing I could do.

We can't spend days together, in answer to the question, because we're both at work, and both work long hours (neither of us get home til 7-8pm) and live an hour apart. Hence time together in the week is tricky to arrange.

OP posts:
TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 15:43

I don't think this has to do with "seeing" the BF but spending the night. No reason why you can't spend the days with the BF and DCs - especially if your relationship is committed.

annielouise · 02/08/2014 15:43

How about skyping him then you won't be going more than 5/6 days without seeing him in the whole six months you've been together? Smile

I don't get why you keep saying that or the relevance of it. It's like a 14 year old girl saying it. You're adults, you can survive 3 weeks apart, surely? For him also to say he'd lie to his ExW about having his kids also seems immature. But then I forget about how impossible it is for you going more than 5/6 nights without seeing each other because you've never had to do that for the past 6 months. How on earth people in the forces or those who work abroad survive I don't know. But maybe they're relationships aren't as special as yours.

I have no view on you staying or leaving after 2 days at the spa. Your friends might have. If you're not going to stay get on and tell your friend before one of the other three cuts to 2 nights as it'll be impossible then.

slartybartfast · 02/08/2014 15:45

bad form for your friend tbh.
a group of people,
2 leave early, then another then another and the weekend is ruined.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2014 15:45

I really, really DO NOT think you should do this, gullon.

Nor do I think he should be saying to his ExW that he can't have DC 2 full weekends.

In the long term your relationship will be stronger, more adult and happier (as will your continuing relationships with your friends and both your's and your BFs future relationships with blended families) if you and your BF accept that, this time, you both have to put others first and that you won't be seeing each other for three weeks.

(On the other hand, I do think that if you decide to cut the weekend to two nights so that you can spend the third night with your BF, not only will your relationship with your friends be adversely affected ... even if it doesn't seem that way at first ... but so will your future relationship with your BF).

I hope you have a lovely three night break with your friends, gullon!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 15:46

Grim... utterly grim. If I were your friend, I'd release you from the whole weekend and we wouldn't be friends any longer. You sound completely desperate.

MyFairyKing · 02/08/2014 15:46

This isn't about how serious your relationship may be. This is about you bailing on a long standing commitment with a friend. Really poor form, no matter how committed you and your partner may be.

pillowaddict · 02/08/2014 15:48

I think it depends on your reason and whether it sounds as though it's an excuse?

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:48

It's got fuck all to do with sex, what a joke! (and fwiw I know plenty of single parents who are shagging away in the living room while their kids are up in bed so if it was just about sex, then I'd be fucking on the hearthrug like they all do).

Practicalities are that if we meet in the eve, we can't get to each others houses til around 9pm - my last train home from his is just before 10. He could drive me home, but by the time he had, and driven back himself, it would be nearly 1am, which would be impractical. Staying over makes more sense, but is impossible with the children here. It's got nothing to do with sex at all.

OP posts:
Vijac · 02/08/2014 15:49

Do you have form for not going to birthdays, leaving early, giving excuses etc (be honest!). With some of my friends I wouldn't mind but with one in particular I would think 'here we go again, another lane excuse'.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 15:50

Why can you not spend the day with his children???
It's EVERYTHING to do with spending the night

LegoSuperstar · 02/08/2014 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slartybartfast · 02/08/2014 15:55

thing is op, i bet ALL of the party are now wishing it wasnt 3 nights, everyone is saying, what excuse can I come up, I really have stuff to do. and if you leave you may well start the ball rolling, that is what I am worried about. and your excuse is just lame

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 15:55

I think you've already made up your mind, Gullon. You are going to let your friend down, so I'm not sure why you are asking the question.

If this were someone doing this to me, that person would no longer be my friend. This is a long-standing arrangement - you can't change it just because in your mind something better has come along. We teach our children this, don't we?
Susie invites you to a party, you accept, Mary then invites you to one on the same day one which you think will be better. Well no, you can't go to Mary's because you've already said Yes to Susie.

It's basic good manners (and to do with true friendship).

heavenhelpus · 02/08/2014 15:55

Was the friend pretty persistent about you going to this do?

It sounds as though you only went along with 3 nights because that's what other people arranged. Tbh I'd rather boil my own head than spend 3 nights celebrating somebody else's birthday. No matter how big a milestone birthday it is it seems a lot of time to expect other people to give over to it.

It sounds like a couple of other people feel the same way.

I'm not saying that it's right to bail out, more that I can see it's the kind of thing I'd be expected to go to and feel railroaded into doing even though it wasn't my thing.

But as other's have said a commitment is a commitment.

I still say, though, that if I was your friend I'd want you to see your boyfriend rather than expecting you to give up 3 days for me (birthdayzilla).

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:55

At the risk of repeating myself...

We are only spending brief amounts of time with DC, separately.

I am not yet at the stage of spending an entire day with his DC, nor will I be in the next couple of weeks, so that precludes us from seeing each other on the weekends either side of the birthday weekend, also because I have my DC part of those weekends too, and as the DC have not met each other yet, that adds a further complication.

OP posts:
EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 16:00

Whether or not Op's friends want to spend three nights now, it was arranged a year ago, and that was what they all agreed at the time. Now, they are making excuses to cut the break short at the last minute. Pitiful behaviour. An I really think the friend will be very hurt. Shameful!