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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 02/08/2014 19:44

And, if I were birthday friend I would be beyond hurt by you bailing after 2 nights.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 19:54

Doesn't matter if it's her husband or boyfriend on 6 months.

6 months into my relationship with my husband we were still very much in the honeymoon period and four weeks without him would have been more tough in some ways than it would now.

Husband or boyfriend, it is not unreasonable to want to cut a day short so you can spend some time with someone you wouldn't get to see for four weeks if you didn't.

After 6 months my relationship was serious and I more than 'barely' knew him.

Dismissing their relationship as just some bloke she has just met isn't really fair.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 02/08/2014 19:56

Could you go a day late instead?

pumpkin3142 · 02/08/2014 19:59

OP, if I was your friend I would completely understand you leaving a day early. I find some of the comments on here bizarre- I would think a friend an idiot if she didn't see a serious bf for three weeks for a third day in a row with me. Just speak to your friend asap, bad idea to have waited a month before speaking to her, the less notice she has the more likely she will be annoyed as it will not seem like you thought it very important.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 20:03

I know no one IRL who would be ok with not seeing their partner for a month if they had a choice. She has a choice of doing both; seeing her friend for two nights and her boyfriend.

To make out she is pathetic for not wanting to wait four weeks to see her boyfriend or for wanting to change her plans she made a year ago to accommodate both is really bizarre.

Plans change, life changes. No harm is done.

My friends aren't a bunch of people who are going to get all butthurt because plans have to be changed slightly, thank god.

fairylightsintheloft · 02/08/2014 20:12

The OP has explained why she can't see the DP midweek. Can we perhaps, after 7 pages, accept her fairly detailed explanations and stop offering alternatives which I'm thinking she has considered and for good reasons, rejected as unfeasible. She knows all the ins and outs of their circumstances and has concluded there is no other way to see the DP unless she cuts off one night of the birthday thing. Cinnabar I find your reaction that you would be "beyond hurt" really extraordinary - maybe if the OP didn't come at all then yes, but not for leaving early. With VERY few exceptions, no matter how good a friend is, there is always other stuff going on in their life and people juggle as best they can. We do a cottage holiday with a bunch of friends every year and people come and go through the week as it suits them. The last night is always a write -off anyway with people recovering, packing, planning on an early start.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2014 20:20

I just can't imagine my friend being hurt. I think I would laugh at an adult getting all hurt because I have to cut a day short when she still has three other people staying.

Seriously? are some people really that petty that they would rather their friend wait 4 weeks to see their partner than give them their blessing to leave a day early.

I would think my best friend had lost her mind if she was hurt because I only spent two nights with her instead of three because I also wanted to see my boyfriend.

I would think she is very needy. Anyone who isn't prepared for plans to change a year after they are made are stupid at best.

Kittymautz · 02/08/2014 20:36

I agree, U2. If I was the birthday friend I would wave the OP off with my blessing. Two nights with six friends is more than enough to celebrate a birthday.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 20:52

If my oldest friend agreed to a 3 night holiday with me and the bailed for part of the time, after 2 other friends had already done so, then I would be hurt regardless of the reason.
If she'd done it because of her new boyfriend, I'd be even more so.

I'm currently working away on top of a mountain in Colorado with only phone contact 3 times a week - away for 5 weeks from my boyfriend whom I've lived with for 4 years - i miss him like mad and I still think the OP is being unreasonable.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 20:53

But it isn't a question of what is "enough time" with the friends. They had all committed to 3 nights and now half of them are bailing? Unreasonable.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 20:57

And for those looking at the birthday girls side:

^"AIBU to be hurt that my friends bailed?

Some friends and I booked a holiday to celebrate a my birthday over a year ago. We all agreed 3 nights and it's a big deal as we don't often get to meet like this with all our separate commitments. But now, less than 2 weeks before the date - 3 of them (half the number) have said they have to leave a day early. One to watch their child at sports, one because she's lift sharing and another because she says it's the only time she gets to see her boyfriend in 3 weeks (they've been together 6 months). This changes the whole plan for the last day. AIBU to feel hurt my friends can't honour their commitment"^

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 21:07

It's a divisive thread BloodMan; some of us think that it's ok to insert whatever new arrangements we want into existing ones - some of us don't.

I'm on the birthday girl's side. Don't agree to what you can't honour. I'd be very disappointed if one of my children flip-flopped like this, it's not on.

StealthPolarBear · 02/08/2014 21:16

If the main event is Saturday is there Any chance you could see him on fridayand get there on Saturday morning as a compromise.
If you leave too the Sunday evening will be depressing for those left. They'll all just want to go home but not want to admit it!

SuburbanRhonda · 02/08/2014 21:49

We do a cottage holiday with a bunch of friends every year and people come and go through the week as it suits them.

But the OP's weekend is nothing like this, fairy!

The OP herself says it's a "significant" birthday for a friend she's known since infants. It's not a same-thing-every-year occasion like yours, where people might feel ok about dropping in and out at the last minute because they went the year before or will go next year.

My guess is that the birthday friend will be very gracious about the OP letting her down, but will put a brave face on it. But, like PP have said, I'm sure the friendship won't be the same again.

fairylightsintheloft · 02/08/2014 22:10

what I meant was that sharing a cottage holidays are not full on 24/7 stuff happening all the time and that missing the last evening is probably not the biggest part of it, that's all.

ChoccaDoobie · 02/08/2014 22:27

If the "birthday girl" had posted that my reaction would be the same. Blimey, she is presumably an adult, she is having a 3 day long birthday celebration,a year on from organising it something has come up for 3 of the participants..... big deal! I really don't get that this is such a huge thing, wouldn't be for me. It would be very surprising if all 7 people were able to commit to all 3 days really.

However it clearly would be a big thing for most people so, op, I guess there is the possibility that your friend may feel the same.

cerealqueen · 02/08/2014 22:36

Would HE do this?? I think not. Suck it up. One weekend. Jeeesus. See your friends, have a blast. IT MIGHT NOT LAST. Then you will need them. You sound like one of my friends.

HappyYoni · 02/08/2014 23:41

I'm sorry to sound harsh but I agree with the person who said you are sounding really quite desperate. We all know what it's like to be in love but chill out, the three weeks will go by quickly and you will be so happy to see each other without the guilt/worry that you've let a friend down.
You know what the right thing to do is and you know what the selfish thing to do is.

BreadForBrains · 03/08/2014 00:31

Sorry, but if I were the birthday girl I'd be feeling a bit dejected. Privately. For the third person to turn around after a year and cut off a third of the arrangements to meet up with a bloke I'd be miffed. If you asked me, I'd probably wave you off with a big smile, but feel like you were a great big flake for ditching me for a boyfriend.
I will say that I applaud you for getting to know each other's kids slowly though, I intensely dislike it when people introduce their new partners after 2 weeks and have them sleeping over and pretty much moving in straight away, so don't think you're BU in that respect.
I don't think it sounds like a particularly serious relationship, but that's neither here nor there.
For me, the point is, you shouldn't even be asking your friend this. You should IMO be honouring your previous commitment, not now renegotiating to suit yourself.
If it's the real deal, he'll still be there in 3 weeks. If not, you won't have pissed your mate off and she'll be there for you.
As I said, if you ask, she'll more than likely be okay with it. I just think you should show her a little respect and fulfill your original plans. It's 3 week's.

differentnameforthis · 03/08/2014 06:50

Don't ditch your friends for a man.

People have been apart for more then 3 weeks at a time & manage to maintain relationships. I was 16 when my now dh left to go to his home country for 6 weeks...we managed to keep in touch via letter/postcards, as this was 20 odd years ago!

Now at least you can email/text etc.

Suck it up. Enjoy your friends.

Hakluyt · 03/08/2014 07:06

As my teenage daughter would say "mates before dates".......

SecretWitch · 03/08/2014 07:15

Could you not do the honourable thing and just be honest with your friend? Tell her exactly what you have told us. If you were my old mate and explained about your new love, I would send you off with hug. I would also be a bit hurt but would get over it. You made the effort to come to my birthday weekend and I would be appreciative, especially as I know the siren pull of new love!

Hotbot · 03/08/2014 08:06

Hmm,
Happy to not see you dcs for 3 days but not your bf, letting down a mate for bf......
Great catch you are, oh andirons wouldn't want to be with a man that would drop his dcs to see me.
Very shabby.
Enjoy you weekend

ikeaismylocal · 03/08/2014 08:49

Op are you not more concerned about not seeing your dc? If you don't get home until 8 and then your away all weekend surely you'd want to spend any extra spare time with your dc?

Not seeing your boyfriend for 3/4 weeks is really not worth worrying about or letting your friends down over. Many people including myself have spent months and months apart from their partners. You made a commitment, now there is something you'd rather do but as an adult you need to stick to the original commitment.

MrsCumbersnatch · 03/08/2014 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.