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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 02/08/2014 16:03

Well I hope you're never going to need your friend's loyalty or support in the future because it seems you don't value or respect her much. And three weeks apart from your boyfriend in order for you both to fulfil prior commitments seems the right and adult thing to do as I see it.

annielouise · 02/08/2014 16:03

What about mid week meeting somewhere neutral half way for a meal or a drink? That way you don't have a train ride home, he doesn't have a 2 hour journey taking you home and then back again etc? That would be seeing each other, as would Skyping each other. It's 3 weeks. Hardly the end of the world.

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2014 16:04

Fwiw I also think what you're contemplating isn't quite the heinous crime many on this thread are suggesting. The MN attitude is usually that grown ups shouldn't be in any way celebrating birthdays isn't it? Grin

What I'd do though is explain the situation to your friend and she may be more understanding than you think.

And maybe you should also try setting up more time to be with the DCs, how old are they? Will they not know about daddy having sleepovers sometimes?

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2014 16:05

"Practicalities are that if we meet in the eve, we can't get to each others houses til around 9pm"

The holiday weekend has got nothing to do with those practicalities at all, because that is the weekend that you should be spending a three night holiday with your friends and therefore should not be seeing your boyfriend!

Why did you ask for people's opinions, when you clearly intend to cut the weekend with your friends short so you can spend the third night with your boyfriend, no matter what anyone says?

This will affect your friendships. I think someone up-thread said that your friend might tell you not to bother coming, something like that. I don't think it will be as dramatic as that, but it will adversely affect your friendships and you are just too 'loved-up' to care!

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 16:06

Can you let your friend know as soon as possible, she might be able to save a bit of money on food or alcohol or whatever little surprises she may organised?

(I know this isn't helpful, but it does sound more like you're in the early, "going out" phase rather than in a "serious relationship").

angeltulips · 02/08/2014 16:06

I don't think it's the worst crime in the world but if a friend of mine did this I'd think they were completely, utterly pathetic.

It doesn't sound like you are going to do anything than what you originally proposed, so am unsure why you posted here.

CheeryName · 02/08/2014 16:10

If your boyfriend is prepared to make a 4 hour drive to pick you up, surely he'd be prepared to get to bed at 1am midweek, as a one off. You sound like you don't care about your friend. She doesn't want a suitable compromise, she wants you to keep a promise.

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 16:10

I think I'd just be really disappointed.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 16:10

Are you hoping to get your "early exit pass" in quick, before the other three do it also? And then everyone has let her down.

For this to have been arranged a year in advance, it must be pretty important for your friend. Now everyone is making excuses to leave early, for whatever reason, is just horrible for her.

You certainly wouldn't be my friend any more. If you had a genuine family emergency and had to pull out because of illness or death, then you should stay with your friend. And don't moan about "having" to be there either!! Your friend was your friend before your new fella. The fact that he wants to relinquish his responsibilities of having his children for that time is also awful. He should be putting his children before you, at the moment.

Six months - this is a new relationship, not yet a lifelong commitment. Your friend and his children will not think highly of you.

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2014 16:10

Well maybe some people are a bit pathetic when they're in luuuurve Grin

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 16:11

Then spend half a day with the DCs.
I find the issue bizarre. You're committed but not so much to spend time together as a family?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/08/2014 16:13

Sorry - typing too quickly - obviously I meant unless you had a genuine family emergency . . . . .

JenniferJo · 02/08/2014 16:13

You aren't a love-struck teenager, you're a grown woman. Very shitty thing to do to your friend.

LividofLondon · 02/08/2014 16:13

Gullon don't do it. I know what it's like to really want to see a man, and 3 weeks feels like ages at the time, but why risk upsetting your friend. If I was her I'd be a bit upset that 2 are leaving early and be even more upset that you're adding yourself to that list. Your relationship may be serious, but relationships can and do fail and that's when you'll need all the friends you can get. Your relationship will not be harmed by 3 weeks apart - you could Skype as aready mentioned - but your friendship could be irreparably damaged.

minibmw2010 · 02/08/2014 16:13

The other 2 have found a clever way to cut back from 3 nights to 2 and got in first with their excuses. Anyone who does the same now is just jumping on the bandwagon. To be honest your friend was asking a lot of people to be together for 3 nights but you agreed ... You agreed until a better option came along and that's how I would see it if I was your friend. Be honest with yourself and her or realise you are there for 3 nights. If he's not still there after a 3 week absence then he won't be there long haul anyway. Email, Skype, text, etc. there are plenty of ways to stay in touch!

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 02/08/2014 16:18

Get a grip OP,it is only 3 weeks!most of us here have been in love,have children,commitments etc.Your friends will still be there long after all that ends,is you treat them right.

smallworld200 · 02/08/2014 16:19

If I was your friend I would be very hurt. I wouldn't say so to your face but I would think twice about inviting you to things in the future. The fact that you don't seem bothered about letting someone down and backing out of a commitment made ages ago speaks a lot about your values. Don't put a new boyfriend above your friends because it will end up coming back to bite you, I assure you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2014 16:20

"but it does sound more like you're in the early, 'going out' phase rather than in a 'serious relationship' "

^ this

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 16:28

OP, I give up. You clearly value your new relationship over old friendships.

I hope it lasts for you because your friendships sure aren't if this is how you view/treat them.

Egghead68 · 02/08/2014 16:36

Well I think it's OK to go for just two nights as long as your friend's still got enough people there to enjoy herself and it doesn't spoil any prebooked outings.

I think you should tell her asap though.

amyhamster · 02/08/2014 16:40

This thread is bizarre

Who on earth has friends who would cut them out for spending two nights on a birthday weekend rather than three?!!

LIZS · 02/08/2014 16:46

It's not that she's only going for 2 nights out of 3 though . She committed to 3 originally and is only now, after 2 others are bailing early, deciding it doesn't suit her and never did. Time with new bf is deemed more precious than longstanding friendship. Trust you are all paying equally regardless of how many nights you stay and that you will be there for the bday itself ?

dylanthedragon · 02/08/2014 16:47

OP, YABU but that is pretty irrelevant as you have obvious made your mind up.

I am assuming you would still pay for the third night even if you didn't stay. Not doing so would definitely be a quick way to lose friends!

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2014 16:47

It's more than 3 weeks isn't it? You see each other one weekend then a week (1) passes and he has kids, then a week (2) passes and you are at birthday then a week (3) passes and he has kids then a week (4) passes and you see each other.

She's your friend. Call her and explain that although you've both done your best to make other arrangements you won't be able to see each other at all for a month unless you leave her birthday a day early.

I just hope the other 3 don't come up with something too!

dylanthedragon · 02/08/2014 16:47

OP, YABU but that is pretty irrelevant as you have obvious made your mind up.

I am assuming you would still pay for the third night even if you didn't stay. Not doing so would definitely be a quick way to lose friends!

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