Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave early?

202 replies

gullon · 02/08/2014 13:00

over the bank hol weekend have plans to go away on a girls weekend (significant birthday for one of the group) with a small bunch of friends, staying for 3 nights in a country cottage type place.

This was all booked and planned yonks ago (over a year ago in fact) . One of the group is leaving early on the Sunday as her DS is in a sporting competition that afternoon and she wants to watch him compete (understandable). She is giving another of the group a lift, who is therefore also leaving a day early as otherwise she'd have a difficult journey home. Friend whose birthday it is has no issue with this (nor would I in her position).

I also want to leave a day early however my reasons are a bit more spurious and - whilst I really don't want to stay the full 3 nights, am concerned because I feel as though I'm letting my friend down a bit (there will still be 3 others there, so not like I'm leaving her on her own)...wwyd?

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell · 02/08/2014 14:48

I think you should do what you want to do. Life's too short to waste your time doing things that don't make you happy. If a third of the group are not going to be there for the last night anyway, it's not going to be a crazy exciting night as you'll do all the best stuff while they're there so they don't miss out.

How would you feel if you said nothing and then the last night was a quiet night in with a takeaway and a film?

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 14:52

I agreed to 3 nights because everyone else had.

It was always going to be a significant slice of my free time, but like I said, everyone else said they were happy to go for that long so I went along with it.

It's not even simply having a bf that has changed things, so it's not like I'm being all 'my bf is more important than my friends'. Honestly if I was seeing him the weekends either side we'd cope with one weekend apart (even though it would be the first one in 6 months). We found out last month he was having his DC the full weekends either side, and since then I've been pondering what to do.

I guess it's hard to understand if you've never been in a new relationship, where DC/work etc mean you can barely see each other anyway, and then are faced with a 3 week gap, but take it from me it's pretty shitty and tbh I think most people would do what you could to find a compromise, or at least that's what I'd like to do.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 14:54

Then tell your friend the truth; if you think the reason is good enough then so will she - tell her.

MyFairyKing · 02/08/2014 14:59

"It'd be completely different if you hadn't already agreed, but to commit and then drop a friend who you've known at least twice as long as your new boyf is really sucky."

This is what I was going to say. Children obviously always come first but this is unreasonable.

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 15:01

I think OP is going to do this anyway.

  • Two friends are already doing it.
  • The "girls" at work have all said they would all do something far shittier.
  • Nobody else understands what it's like to be in a new relationship where other commitments get in the way of you seeing each other.
  • She never really wanted to go for three nights anyway, it was everyone else's fault.
LIZS · 02/08/2014 15:05

So how many would be left now for the 3rd night . Seems pretty flimsy and also the one in need of a lift - could no one else take her even part of the way ? Would you be considering it if noone else had ? Can you not see new bf during the week instead ?

LIZS · 02/08/2014 15:07

oh see 3 plus bday friend would be left . Maybe they'd all be relieved if they knew you felt under such duress. Don't expect them to understand and not bitch about your reason though.

ilovesooty · 02/08/2014 15:08

If you thought it was an acceptable reason to pull out on a commitment you made you could have told your friend much earlier than this. And three weeks apart "an eternity"? Really?

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 15:09

I don't think you should cut the arranged weekend short, but neither do I think it's a terrible, terrible thing. Trying to see this from both sides, it sounds as though you've out grown this friendship and have new priorities with your new boyfriend.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:11

It's not that I didn't want to go for 3 nights - I would have preferred 2 from the outset, but the majority were happy for 3, so I went along with it.

There would be 4 of the 7 left for the last night. If I leave a day early I will be getting the train back - other friend could do that (her journey would actually be slightly shorter than mine, albeit still about twice as long as it would be by car) but would rather get a lift.

I have been considering this for a month, as soon as I found out we wouldn't see each other for 3 weeks, I only found out the others were not staying a few days ago.

We (bf and I) can't see each other in the week unfortunately due to work/DC

OP posts:
TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 15:13

So your ditching your friend to spend time with your boyfriend whom you see at least once a week anyway and you've only been dating for 6 months (doesn't matter how serious it is, it's still only 6 months).

I'd be pretty miffed if I was your friend.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 15:14

Find time to see your boyfriend in those 3 weeks. That can't be impossible and if you're that desperate to see him you'll find a way.

hippo123 · 02/08/2014 15:15

Yabu. Is your bf bothered by it or just you? You really can't be changing your plans like that based on your reasons.

rhubarbcrumbleplease · 02/08/2014 15:21

I understand that you only wanted to go for 2 nights originally, but why didn't you tell them at the time?
How would you feel if it was the other way round; you arranged a weekend with your friends but one of them blew you out because she was missing her boyfriend?
You know your mates best, but I know mine would be pissed off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 15:22

How desperate would HE be to see YOU in those 3 weeks, OP? What effort would HE be making? I think that is more the issue than your wanting to adjust a prior engagement.

I would say that this kind of thing doesn't 'pay off'. Many posters will have been where you are so it's not as if we don't understand.

You say it's 'serious'; well, if that's the case then a break of three weeks isn't going to harm your six month relationship in any way. I've noticed that it's now 'will' rather than 'would'. You sound a little desperate, sorry.

Original poster
gullon · 02/08/2014 15:22

We're not just 'dating'! We're in a serious relationship, he's not just some bloke I'm having casual sex with. We are committed to each other.

It isn't possible to see each other - that might be difficult to understand if you don't work FT and have primary care of DC, or have a partner who lives some distance away, but it simply isn't. We have tried to find a solution and there isn't one. As for 'you'll find a way' I have - it's leaving ONE day early.

And fwiw he is bothered at least as much as me if not more so, he has been desperately trying to arrange an alternative, and is prepared to risk a row with his ExW by saying he can't have DC 2 full weekends etc, but I feel that's a far worse solution than me leaving early so have told him not to.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 02/08/2014 15:24

Gullon if you are serious about this man, he will be there for the foreseeable future and you will have many more weekends with him. Three weeks would be fine for me, but then my husband has always traveled and so have I and so gaps like this, whilst not desirable, wouldn't have us bailing out on our friends. As time goes by however, having time with your girlfriends gets harder and harder especially as children get in the way (sounds like you already have some, perhaps others in the group do too). You have to seize every opportunity to get together- you may not have a girly weekend like this for another few years.

It's up to you of course, but basically it's a three day thing, that's what you all agreed to, I think it's a shame for so many of you to now bail and really it's one night of your life, but it will feel a little symbolic I think to your friend, and whilst I would risk that for something really significant, seeing your boyfriend wouldn't count as significant in that way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 15:24

Why are you asking then, OP? You've decided. Confused

LIZS · 02/08/2014 15:26

so neither of you could take time off midweek to see the other ? Have either of you met others' dc ?

CheeryName · 02/08/2014 15:27

Gullon, lots of us here work FT, have DC... We do get it. But it's still bad form to bail out on long term plans to see your new boyfriend. However special,committed, in love you are, if I were your friend I would still be hurt. And it won't all vanish in 3 weeks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 15:28

Have you even met his children yet, OP? When you're in a 'serious' relationship, you would. You're dating and 6 months is really a very short time. Agree totally with napoleon here.

TheBloodManCometh · 02/08/2014 15:28

I still think YABVU. But I guess I don't understand how your unique snowflake of a relationship is better than everyone else's and better than your friendships.

Whether your relationship is 6 months or 6 years or 60 years - still not cool to bail on friends. Why can't you spend the days and not the nights with new BF and kids? Or is this to do with sex too?

slartybartfast · 02/08/2014 15:29

but you have been friends for years, i take it you are committed, then he will still be around. i think it is mean to slink off early.

slartybartfast · 02/08/2014 15:30

remember Absence makes the heart grow fonder

thornrose · 02/08/2014 15:31

I bet you're furious you didn't get your plans in before the other 2.

You keep saying this might be difficult to understand unless you're in your exact situation but it really isn't, it's very clear.

I think if you genuinely felt it wasn't a rubbish excuse you wouldn't be getting yourself in knots.