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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad at not having own children?

166 replies

Nobabynobotherbut · 21/07/2014 23:03

The worst thing is, I am an only child so I don't even have nieces or nephews to buy things for and spoil a bit!

Obviously I'm not BU to feel like this but it is sad.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/07/2014 23:05

It is sad if you want dc in your life and you haven't Sad

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/07/2014 23:18

Of course YANBU if that is how you feel.

My SIL (DH's sister) would have loved DCs but was never in the right relationship at the right time IYSWIM.

She is a fabulous auntie to our DCs & a lovely person in general. However, she often tells me that she feels as though she has wasted her life by not settling down with someone and having children. She is 50 now.

I do find it quite sad when she says she should have stayed with the abusive twat she was with in her 20's purely because "I would of at least been a mum".

On the other hand, at the age of 40 my DB was saying a similar thing. At 42 he met his lovely wife, married at 45 and adopted two beautiful DDs at age 48.

Sometimes we just don't know what's around the corner.

ancientbuchanan · 21/07/2014 23:20

It's a dreadful feeling and I knew it for years. So sympathy.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 07:40

Yes feel a bit like that - as if liFe is wasted.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/07/2014 07:43

Do you think it's too late or that you aren't yet in a position to afford children.

Sorry you feel this way.

BlinkingHeck · 22/07/2014 07:56

No you aren't being unreasonable.

Jinsei · 22/07/2014 07:56

Yanbu, of course. Could you sponsor a child overseas? Or mentor a ch

Jinsei · 22/07/2014 07:57

Oops, posted too soon!

Could you mentor a child who needs some extra support?

fluffyraggies · 22/07/2014 08:02

What are your circumstances OP? Could you adopt?

YANBU to feel this way. Nature has given us a strong drive to nurture.

(It wouldn't be unreasonable to not care a hoot to be childless either, btw :))

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 08:16

No, I couldn't adopt :) mentoring a child is worthy but not remotely the same as having your own family!

I think it's too late - not precisely from an age point of view but more from a too late to meet somebody then have children. Time isn't on my side! (Neither is luck!)

OP posts:
Jinsei · 22/07/2014 08:18

Sorry, wasn't suggesting it was the same - it's not, of course. But you mentioned in your OP about not having nieces and nephews to spoil, and I just thought it might be a nice way to have a child in your life. Didn't mean to offend.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 08:21

No, I'm not offended! :) It's a nice idea Flowers

OP posts:
cricketpitch · 22/07/2014 08:29

Yes it is sad sometimes. I had a child very late so I was a long time in your position and there was sadness but there was also freedom, money, friends, a career - all things that I just don't have any more. (Not everyone gives up these things - but my circumstances have meant that I have). Having children doesn't always turn out how you expect.

I hope that you are happy in your life however it works out.

NotALondoner · 22/07/2014 08:37

Would you consider artificial insemination? I always said I would have done that.

myotherusernameisbetter · 22/07/2014 08:37

YANBU - 'tis very sad. Clearly you can live a very fulfilled life without children and some people don't want them at all, but to feel that need and not be able to satisfy it must be heartbreaking.

Don't take this the wrong way, but do you have or could you get a dog? I know it isn't the same, but a "not by choice" childless couple I know have eventually caved and got themselves a dog (about 2 years ago) and they say it is the best thing they have ever done. I think it gives them a focus for their love and means when we meet up and people are sharing stories and photos of their children, they also have stories and photos to share. We all remember the dog's birthday and ask after her etc. So they feel included.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 09:03

Mm, I'm not sure a dog would be quite the same Wink

I don't know re artificial insemination - not sure it would suit.

OP posts:
cailindana · 22/07/2014 09:06

YANBU.

myotherusernameisbetter · 22/07/2014 09:19

I am sure the dog isn't the same, but after many years of miscarriage and them now being in their 50s, I think it has brought them a certain peace.

I hope you find something that does the same Smile

CateBlanket · 22/07/2014 09:25

OP - why the Smile when you said you couldn't adopt? Just curious.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/07/2014 09:30

I know someone going through AI.
2nd attempt seems to have taken.
She's not ever had a long term relationship.
She has always wanted to be a mum though and is absolutely great with kids and will make a wonderful mother.
You should investigate and consider it if you feel like this.

MaryWestmacott · 22/07/2014 09:47

In your position, I'd consider AI. You could meet the man of your dreams at say, 48 - and have another 40 years to spend together, but it'd be too late to start a family with him then. You have a limited window of opportunity to have DCs, if you are getting to the end of that and are not in a relationship with someone, then AI is worth considering.

ColdCottage · 22/07/2014 09:51

How about fostering?
A friend of mine was 38 and hadn't met the right person so did ivf with donor sperm. She is now in her 40s with twins and so happy.
Do you feel age or doing it alone is holding you back?

TeenAndTween · 22/07/2014 09:51

Not expecting you to answer.

But

Are you sure you couldn't adopt?

There are (a lot of) misconceptions around adoption, and sometimes people think they would not be allowed to adopt, or adoption 'isn't for them' because they don't have the full facts.
If you do want to explore further come over to the Adoptions board on 'Becoming a parent'

BocaDeTrucha · 22/07/2014 10:16

You are not bu at all. My dsis is slowly trying to come to terms with not having any children after leaving it quite late then having miscarriage after miscarriage and has now thrown the towel in. My getting pregnant by egg donation didn't receive the excited reaction of an auntie-to-be which is understandable which made for an awkward few weeks, to say the least. She is now dealing with things in her own way, with a little help from a therapist. But sadly is one of those things that really not that many people can truly sympathise with as we find it hard to think of people we know who are in the same boat. Babies and children are EVERYWHERE, and not something you can just avoid.

I would suggest that if you really don't want to go with alternatives such as adoption or Ai, you make contact with a counsellor or someone you can talk it through with as it can easily become something which can eat away at you and make you quite low.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 10:30

I did the Smile when answering about adoption just to stop my reply sounding too abrupt, that's all!

I definitely couldn't adopt or foster. I'm not sure AI is right for me either although haven't completely ruled it out - just the same it's sad, as I wanted really to have children in a loving relationship.

I'm pleased the dog brought peace for some people but again it just wouldn't be right for me - I like dogs but I can't even pretend it would compare to having a baby!

OP posts:
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