to feel sad at not having own children?

[Nobabynobotherbut]

The worst thing is, I am an only child so I don't even have nieces or nephews to buy things for and spoil a bit!

Obviously I'm not BU to feel like this but it is sad.

[Toottootoffwego]

If that was to me, I mentioned AI once, in one post, as a summary of other options. I certainly haven't banged on about it.
I have however laboured the point that the OP is moaning that life isn't giving her what she would like and yet can't seem to see that it's as a consequence of her own choices.

[nobabynobotherbut]

Too, please, please will you stop posting?

I will be honest here and say you are really upsetting me.

The choice, as you put it, is one that is deeply personal to me. It is by no means as simple as you seem to think it is: to blithely decide to have a baby and if you decide not to, never dare complain about it.

Both my parents are dead. I am thirty something and both were dead before my twentieth birthday. It is highly likely I will get the same cancer that killed my mother one day - hopefully knowledge is power and it won't kill me.

But it might, or my dad's heart condition might, or the proverbial bus could come along. And I can't, in good conscience, bring a baby into the world knowing if something happened to me, they would be at the mercy of the world.

I can't, in good conscience, bring a baby into a world where we would be destined for poverty, scrimping and saving.

I can't, in good conscience, bring a baby into the world without a father figure.

Need I go on? Do you think recounting the above might have been painful, distressing, upsetting? Because it was, you know. But I don't think you care, do you?

What brought me to Mumsnet? Years ago, my friend used the acronym AIBU on Facebook. I googled it as I did not know what it meant. The threads were funny so I stayed. I like it here.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I think it is one thing to find yourself with fertility issues that mean you can't have children - i guess that there is a finality in that that means you need to draw a line under it and find a way to deal with it and explore acceptable alternatives (to you).

I think your situation here is different in that it is circumstances that have contrived to block that avenue in life for you, I think that would be harder to come to terms with and in a way it's more frustrating.

I'm sorry if me saying about my friends getting a dog upset you, it wasn't meant to and I do know that it isn't the same, but it did help them but they come into the first category above so I feel that is different.

I guess the question here is do you want to make a huge change in your life by finding a partner in a similar frame of mind to you - there are ways you could do that but you would have to want that at a level above where I think your mind is now - I guess you want that to happen naturally and in it's own time which may mean that children won't happen.

It is sad when life doesn't pan out the way you had hoped. I also think your parents passing and being an only child probably adds to the pressure.

I'm not offering solutions this time but I am happy to listen if that helps.

[ThatWasNice]

Toot. You seem to be ignoring what the OP is saying. She posted to say she was feeling sad, I don't know why you are posting if you have no compassion for her situation. It's as though you are purposely trying to upset the OP.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

re how you came to mumsnet - I wasn't sure about it when i first came but I am glad I have hung around.

The couple I was talking about before, the bloke has recently lost both parents and his brother and he has been left with no blood relations and wont have children either. he is slightly younger than his wife and she offered to divorce him so he could find someone else to give him children - heartbreaking :(

I am really sorry about your bereavements :(

[nobabynobotherbut]

Thank you

I wasn't offended by the dog suggestion, but equally I know I couldn't replace my hopes for a family with a dog. Plus a couple of the adoption barriers (flat, full time, long hours!) apply as much to dogs as children! Perhaps the two have much in common!

[myotherusernameisbetter]

yes, my friends use doggy day care.....far cheaper than a nursery!

[nobabynobotherbut]

Well yes, but then there's still the lack of garden, lack of suitable places to walk the dog, being unable to go out in the evenings or at weekends, - I wasn't being entirely facetious! I "inherited" my grandad's collie when he died (grandad, not the collie) and believe me it was Hard Work even with doggie daycare.

[Toottootoffwego]

Thatwasnice no I'm 100% not trying to upset the OP. But in my opinion this is largely a misery of her own making and that's the saddest part of it.
OP I'm sorry about your parents. Really I am. But I'm not prepared to agree with you that a history like that, or the lack of a husband precludes motherhood. Of course it doesn't. Life sucks sometimes, but it doesn't have to mean you can't have what you want.
OP I hope you find peace.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

For some reason I had in my head that you were 50 :o 30 something sounds really young now :)

I didn't meet my OH until I was almost 30 - I'll change my username back to my old one after this thread so I don't mind sharing the fact that I had never really had a boyfriend before and had pretty much given up hope of meeting someone I would feel comfortable with. It seems stupid now, but I used to spend a lot of time crying about it and no time doing anything about it!

Anyway, I changed jobs, met my OH, got married and tried for kids within 2 years - we then had fertility problems but went on to have our two boys.

I'm just telling you this to show you that sometimes what seems hopeless and bleak can be turned around in the blink of eye, helping it out wouldn't go amiss either.

[nobabynobotherbut]

I'm not miserable, I'm sad about ONE specific area of my life. It is not misery - misery suggests I walk around all day every day beating my chest and lamenting my childless state when in fact I started one thread saying I was sad I didn't have children.

Massive difference between having a happy life and a perfect life.

I won't be taking your advice due to the reasons I've given, many times now.

[Lighthousekeeping]

I feel for you. I'm in the same boat but, I'm guessing I'm ten years older than you. If I could go back ten years I would've used AI and thought, sod it. I think you cope. I just over thought it too much. I have great nieces who think I'm some rich auntie who lives a glamorous life and buys them fab presents. Truth is I live in a rented flat in a crap area of London who works my arse off and who drinks too much probably because it dulls the pain of not having my own. I would love to foster but my circumstances aren't right. I've had long term relationships with blokes that didn't want children. One of them now has four I do what I can to enjoy my life. Plenty of travelling and eating out in swanky places. With friends that are ten years older than me because their dc have left hone. It is what it is.

OP if you wFeel that sad about it then act on it while you can. That would be my advice. If you really want it.

[nobabynobotherbut]

I'm still a fair bit older than you when you met your husband, myother

[myotherusernameisbetter]

my sister is 7 year older than me and met her OH after me and got married a year after me - she has 2 children now - she met her OH at 37, married at almost 39 had her first at 40 and her 2nd at 43.

[Toottootoffwego]

"OP if you wFeel that sad about it then act on it while you can. That would be my advice. If you really want it."

^^
Don't suggest that she does anything different! That's not the right answer!!!

OP I was 34 when I met my husband and 40 when I had the first of my 3 children. I made it happen. I didn't sit waiting for him to throw himself across the bonnet of my car. And children, as I've already said came after a lot lot lot of fertility treatment.

But hey, carry on doing what you're doing, you get more of what you're getting.

[HaroldLloyd]

So you had a husband who you had treatment with, so you haven't even done what your hectoring her about.

So butt out.

[Toottootoffwego]

I haven't hectored her about AI. Which if you read my posts, you'd see.

[HaroldLloyd]

I have read your countless hectoring unpleasant posts.

Did you read her post telling her your upsetting her and to leave it?

[HaroldLloyd]

To be honest I don't know why you don't just leave her alone like she asked.

[ThatWasNice]

Toot You are trying to upset the OP. She has told you that you are upsetting her but you are still carrying on and on and on. It's nasty. You come across as smug and unpleasant. I hope everyone ignores your posts if you continue with your 'attack' on the OP.

[Toottootoffwego]

If you or the OP choose to ready posts as "attacks" that's up to you. I find it desperately sad that there are people who moan about their life when their misery is a direct consequence of the choices and beliefs they have. It's bizarre. Really bizarre.
But I don't think the OP is about to change her outlook on the basis of this thread or my differing opinion so she's welcome to wallow and whinge.
As you were, ladies.

[HaroldLloyd]

The only thing bizarre around here is your posts.

[GemmaPuddledDuck]

Why don't you want to use match OP?

[AnnieHoo]

OP you sound like you would benefit from seeing a life coach / counsellor. I am not being glib here, I think you sound very sad and hard on yourself. losing your parents when you are young can really affect your relationships. I think speaking to someone and dealing with those feelings and fears about dying will help you to unlock the door to being open to the loving relationship you are looking for. I wish you all the best

[nobabynobotherbut]

Just ignore her; no one 'chooses' to remain single when they'd like to meet somebody but sometimes you're just unlucky!

To be honest one of the reasons I didn't give my age was to avoid the 'I know suchabody who met their DH at 45 and had quads at 48' - we all know (or know of) somebody like that but just the same I think it would be unlikely to happen now - obviously not impossible but unlikely.

I have obviously tried to meet somebody but have been unsuccessful. Which is why I'm moving on from trying to change my situation to accepting my situation.