to feel sad at not having own children?

[Nobabynobotherbut]

The worst thing is, I am an only child so I don't even have nieces or nephews to buy things for and spoil a bit!

Obviously I'm not BU to feel like this but it is sad.

I did "the best year yet" programme - it made a huge difference in my life - it made me seek out help for my fertility issues amongst other things. It' s maybe not everyone's cup of tea though

How fucking rude.

Fwiw, I have no experience of wanting a child, I had one as a leap of faith. I give thanks every day for my hard working and supportive partner, I'd be in the nuthouse ifiI if I tried to be a parent alone.

So telling people to make huge sacrifices that you haven't had to make is just unhelpful and rude.

I'd rather not be a mum, than be a single mum. The single mothers I know are doing an awesome job, but at the expense of so much of themselves.

Op is perfectly entitled to say no, that life is not for me.

Oh dear, I really have explained this but I have already tried match and I didn't meet anybody.

Yes, losing my parents was hard - I am okay now, I'm honestly just a bit sad I won't have a family of my own.

That's IT.

Morris, thank you.

To reiterate - I have tried to meet somebody and internet dating is not the panacea people think that it is. I do not wish to have a child as a single parent. This doesn't make me a wailing wreck of a woman, I'm just a bit sad I won't have a family of my own.

I think nowadays a lot of people meet their partners through work or dating sites.......maybe you just need a new job to get a fresh pool of candidates :o

Myother - thank you, but while I am not old, I am certainly old enough for there to have been ample opportunities to meet people at work, online and through a plethora of other methods.

The fact I have not points to the sad and in all honesty slightly embarrassing fact that I am unattractive to the opposite sex: as I have said, I know it isn't impossible I'll meet someone but it is unlikely.

So - and I really do mean to be polite - I'd be so grateful if people could stop with speculations trying to "help" me, as while I appreciate it's kindly meant I am finding them both embarrassing and upsetting.

But in my opinion this is largely a misery of her own making and that's the saddest part of it.

Wow tootoo you just don't know when to STFU do you?

I'm sorry for your situation OP

Night OP- I sincerely hope that life works out for you or that you find peace and move on.

I am at peace!

or I was until this thread anyway

Look. You can feel sad, regretful, wistful, and still be at peace. You can wish something had happened yet accept it has not and still live a happy life. You can acknowledge you wish something was different but still be grateful for what you DO have.

Or maybe I am the abnormal one, and everyone else is totally 100% happy with life? Or more likely have you realised it's not always ideal but mostly okay? That's my situation.

An American friend of mine was hitting 40 and was without a partner so went for AI. Worked first time and she now has a son. Her mother helped her "shop" so it was done as a family!

We have a problem, as a society with the whole concept of straightforward sadness now, I think.

We think it must be intervened in and fixed.

This; Or more likely have you realised it's not always ideal but mostly okay? sounds very healthy

Everyone has their own shit going on as far as I can see - it's just easier to have an opinion on someone elses :o

This time last week I was looking at houses as was seriously thinking of splitting up - this week, it feels like we are back on track - so yes, life isn't perfect but it's mostly ok.

Thank you Fideline

In my more optimistic moments I do think yes, it could happen, but acknowledging there is at least a fair chance it will not, and facing up to the fact that if this happens I will be okay - sad at being childless, but still okay - well, I just don't think that's unreasonable or that just because other people in my position have opted to have a baby alone that I should, or that because match dot com worked for someone's friend I should join again.

I have to admit I'm surprised to the extent I've had to - I don't know, defend and justify myself, I suppose. At last count I've said six times I do not wish to artificially inseminate myself to have a child yet the suggestions keep coming.

Perhaps for me, losing my parents has helped in this respect: I'm not over if, I'll always feel sad they died so young, yet that doesn't mean I never feel happy. It's just a tiny piece of regret I carry with me. Same with childlessness if I indeed remain childless.

I guess the suggestions about AI are just because you are sad about the fact your life is without children! People aren't being horrible, they're just trying to reach out to you.

I had my first child 14 months after meeting my now DH. I was 23. My sister had her first child 12 months after meeting her now DH. She was 40. Neither of us were rushing our relationships, it just kind of happened. And both of us have been happily married for years now.

So, unless you are now in your very late 40's, it isn't actually too late.

nobaby I understand completely where you're coming from. I've had the 'why don't you just have AI?' suggestions from various friends, all of whom have brought up children within happy marriages. While I've the utmost respect for single parents, it's precisely why I don't think it's for me either: I'm self-employed, so wouldn't get maternity leave, don't have parents around for support, and would worry about having to be a child's entire world, and vice versa. Reading MN has really opened my eyes to the physical strain of child-rearing, as well as the emotional, financial and social demands - that's a lot to take on, knowingly, without the safety net of either lots of money, or a strong family network, or a completely burning drive to have kids to get you through the tough times.

More controversially - and this is just me, no reflection on anyone else! - the very fact that I'd had to conceive through AI would be a constant reminder that I hadn't managed to find a man who wanted to have a family with me. Maybe the fact that that makes me feel sad means I'm too selfish to have children, but what I always wanted was the relationship and then the shared world of parenthood, rather than just parenthood on its own.

So YANBU to feel sad, and YANBU to be feeling your way around that sadness to make sense of what exactly it is. Y would B bit U to let it overshadow all the other happier things in your life, for the rest of your life; something like 20% of this generation of women won't have children either, so you certainly won't be alone.

I never attracted the opposite sex either. In fact I think I probably could do with counselling as I spent -wasted- so many of my best years in one-sided obsessions with men who were never going to show an interest in me. I do get jealous of people who have managed to forge successful relationships.

At 36 I finally decided to have a baby alone and it was fourth time lucky. Yea we do claim some benefits now and no she doesn't have a father figure and we have little family. In an ideal world I would have liked two, but am very happy with the one I've got and won't be going for a second round despite the hormones kicking in again now :(

The best thing of all is it gave me a passport to that world. One I thought I would never be a part if. Baby groups and CBeebies and soft play and baby talk.

I don't know why I am rambling about all this; I think I just felt my life would be pointless without dc and it has changed immeasurably now. I don't even really get depressed anymore and certainly no hankering for a man. I am glad you are happy OP on the whole. I really hope you don't feel like I used to. If you did I'd say you need to go for it! Otherwise I wish you all the best. Xx

Op why not freeze your eggs.

Then if you meet a partner who want a family you will have a chance.

Just going on your OP, don't you have any friends with kids.

If your still young enough to be able to conceive then I don't think you can be at peace until you get to the age where it is a definite no. I say this because you op do want a child. I don't see how you can accept it until nature takes that possibility away. I understand why you want a dad for your baby etc don't give up hope. I would say it's not end of world to not have a dad to bring up baby though if your really wanted a child but I don't think you want to consider that prospect which is fair enough.

As for your parents passing away. It is really sad, I hope this horrible time will not stop you living your life and affecting the rest of it by not having baby. Nothing guaranteed but your child may live well into adulthood before you pop your clogs and may even have sisters and brothers. If not they will meet a partner and have friends to support them when your gone.

Op try not to shut the door on things, perhaps keep it slightly ajar. No regrets.

I used to be in the same position as the OP. I hadn't had many relationships and they were usually short lived and with unsuitable men. Everyone else was settling down and I remember being insanely jealous of friends who were married getting pregnant and thinking 'it's so easy for you.'

I was thinking of the AI route as a 'plan B' but I have parents nearby who would have helped. Now I've actually had children (I got lucky and met the man) I know how fecking hard it is - emotionally, financially, physically - and that's with two of us. So it really is a hard choice to make, whether to go it alone or do without.

I have a friend who became pregnant and the man didn't want anything to do with it, so she was a single mum from day one and it was/is a struggle for her.

So I think you really really have to want a child above all else to take the AI option.

OP I think people on this thread have maybe got a little frustrated because you've not come on here for solutions, just to express how you feel - and people generally want to offer solutions.

Have you tried gateway women which is a group for people in your situation, who want children but can't have them due to life circumstances. You may get a better response if you vent on there. I guess on mumsnet there may not be a huge amout of people in a similar boat, and I've found in life that when I have problems it's really good to connect with others in similar boat.

I recognise people like to offer solutions, but at the same time I do think that when I have said multiple times the solution they are pushing me to is not for me, that should be respected.

I have also said that I recognise it is not impossible, but on the other hand in nearly twenty years of work, four years of university study, quarter of a century interest in sport - I have not met a man. It is therefore probable I won't.

I have felt as if I have had to justify myself a lot on this thread, and it hasn't been pleasant.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I share your sadness. I have a nice life - a good job, a nice house, good friends, a cute dog even, but I am now 44, single and childless. This may be a good life, and most of the time I thoroughly enjoy it, but it is not the life I wanted or expected I would have. Sometimes it feels as though my life is second best to the one I wanted.

I still have my parents, though I have little contact with them due to borderline emotional abuse, and although I have a sibling, we aren't close and he has no children either.

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, yes, tried the AI route alone (for me, it was important to know I'd tried everything, but it wasn't an easy decision). Even had an accidental pregnancy (two miscarriages). Fostering is not an option for the fulltime employed.

I don't need counselling, I have no unresolved issues about my situation. It does sometimes make me sad, however. I think that's understandable.

So no, OP, you are not BU in the slightest, and you're not wallowing. Thank you for confirming that my feelings are not unreasonable as well.

What a weird thread.OP I am not sure what you expected?
A thread saying you are unhappy at not having a child will provoke sympathy, but also explorations of how you may be able to achieve what you want for yourself.
Tbh, without wanting to sound unkind, you sound rather joyless and negative. Life is good!

OP

There is no solution. But you know that.

You know also that nothing is impossible, and that there is always hope of some kind. But that isn't going to help you, is it?

You're allowed to be sad, and you're allowed to grieve for the "might have been" things in life. You need to be kind to yourself and accept that you are allowed to feel all sorts of things.

Sending you strength x

Someone expressing sadness over not being able to have children and having lost their children young is joyless and negative?!

Op I can't have children, I feel sad. I'm not sure aibu is the best place for this thread. I find my grief comes and goes. Sometimes I'm fine, the next day I'll be struggling hugely with it. I'm not sure how you get through it other than a day at a time. Gateway women has been helpful to me, have a look at them.