Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad at not having own children?

166 replies

Nobabynobotherbut · 21/07/2014 23:03

The worst thing is, I am an only child so I don't even have nieces or nephews to buy things for and spoil a bit!

Obviously I'm not BU to feel like this but it is sad.

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 22/07/2014 10:54

Who says you have to find your perfect first?!?

Have a baby for you.

Having a child doesn't take you off the market. If they are the right person for you they will embrace your DC as well.

I hope you find a peace and happiness for you either way.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 11:23

Well, no, but I'm not entirely sure I'll meet anybody, full stop Smile and then I am worried about the ramifications of a child with me and only me in his or her world.

Perhaps it sounds straightforward - want a baby, have one, but as with most things there are just a whole
Load of other things to think about. I do get sad when I think about it though.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2014 11:26

Of course you are allowed to feel sad. If you've looked at all the options and decided you don't want to go it alone then you have every right to grieve for what might have been.

TalcumPowder · 22/07/2014 11:28

I know there are other considerations, but two friends of mine who were longterm single/celibate have adopted or had a baby (intentionally) alone, and are happy. You can't control whether you find the right partner, but if you decide that having a child is the priority, and are prepared to do so alone, there are options.

Original poster
Nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 11:29

Thanks pointy Smile

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/07/2014 12:20

I'm so sorry things haven't worked out the way you wanted so far.

But... please think harder about AI.

There are lots of different ways to have a family and none are better or worse than another.

We also just don't know what's around the corner. Two of my good friends started off on the marriage then children pathway... both are now divorced and have more or less sole care of the children. Both are very happy. The only cloud on the horizon? The (in one case, extremely abusive) dads. One (half) joked the other week that if she'd known how things were going to work out, she'd have stayed single, prioritised her career and got pregnant using a sperm donor.

It's by no means game over if you want children. Keep that option on the table.

ColdCottage · 22/07/2014 13:28

Like Pointy said if you have decided that it is something you are not comfortable doing alone, which I can understand and it is something you had always seen for your life I can totally see how it is a big loss and something you need to greave for.

However as many people say, you regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do do.

What is holding you back from going on alone?

Are you not confidant that you will be enough for a child, the fact that you have given this so much thought shows you will be a considerate parent.

Is it a lack of support network? I am sure your friends would be there for you if you decide to go it alone and your family if you have a good relationship with them. I have also found my new NCT friends an amazing support, I've only known these women a few months and I can talk to them about anything and they have supported me practically as well as mentally (I've been on crutches after birth due to my back and needed help at home with baby).

Financially we had a baby at the worst time money wise in our lives. My DH quit his job due to stress and I was out of work too. We are now on one low income while DH finds proper job and maternity allowance. It's tight but we get by and DS is worth it and friends and family have been so helpful with giving us 90 percent of baby stuff.

What ever you decide I hope you find peace with it and talk it through with someone if that helps work through the pain. Big hug.

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 15:11

I'm just not sure artificial insemination is right for me at this time and I know people have babies in difficult circumstances but that seems different to planning to have a baby and live off benefits or similar.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2014 15:16

OP, I have a friend who went it alone after her bf dumped her following a molar pregnancy. She was 37. In her case she made the arrangement with a personal male friend, not an anonymous sperm donor, but the result was the same - she has two lovely children and a happy career, and she and the father co-parent without being in a relationship. It works. Doesn't mean it would be for you, but it's an option.

I hope you reach a decision you are at peace with, whatever that decision may be. Flowers

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 15:50

It isn't an option - I do wish people would stop saying it is like it's as easy as that Sad

Morally, I'm not sure it's right for me, I'm sorry if by saying that I cause offence but I would have to give up work as I couldn't afford a childminder or nursery and then I'd be reliant on benefits.

That feels really wrong.

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 22/07/2014 18:07

I can understand that you wouldn't want to rely on benefits.

Maternity allowance isn't a benefit its what all women get if they work. However you couldn't live on it (circa 536 per month)!

You never know what is round the corner, you might meet me right tomorrow or like I did with DH you might already know them but don't realise yet (DH was a friend via one of my girlfriends and after 7 years I suddenly saw him with new eyes and we clicked).

Do you have any god children or nieces or nephews whose life you are a part of? Not the same but you will enrich their lives as much as they do yours.

Toottootoffwego · 22/07/2014 18:19

Are your feelings about living on benefits stronger than your yearning for a child?

Deftones · 22/07/2014 20:02

YANBU to feel sad, but YABU to wallow in it when there are plenty of options.

PintOfWine · 22/07/2014 20:20

I'm really offended by the question of whether her feelings for being on benefits is stronger than desire to have kids. Here is a person who is financially responsible and you're suggesting she must not want kids badly enough?! Fucks sake.

pointythings · 22/07/2014 20:22

I think not wanting to live on benefits is actually a very valid reason not to have a child. Good on you, OP.

Toottootoffwego · 22/07/2014 20:41

Pintofwine why???

One is a biological yearning, the other is a philosophical construct, and anyway she might only actually be "on benefits" until full time school for example.

Re your being offended, I'll give you a bit of Stephen Fry:

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

Toottootoffwego · 22/07/2014 20:44

And there are, thankfuckfully, thousands of people who foster and adopt children, and rely on the state to help them do it. Rather the foster parents have the money than the owners of the children's homes. It's all the same money, a fact pintofwine seems to have missed.

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 21:59

HOW is starting ONE thread "wallowing" - what a horrible word.

There are not plenty of options. There are:

  1. Have a baby, alone with donated sperm - I can't afford this! My job is okay and actually doesn't pay badly but I live in an expensive area and consequently it wouldn't cover nursery fees plus mortgage. So I'd have to give up work and rely on benefits which I feel is wrong. Besides, i am not sure the benefits would cover my mortgage and I'd ruin my career anyway so I and some poor child would always be scrimping and saving - unfair on the child.
  1. Adoption. I wouldn't be suitable for this. I work full time, I'm single, I have no family and I live in a flat. Plus the problem of work and money still exists.
  1. Fostering - no offence at all but fostering is nothing like having a child of your own, they aren't yours, that's the POINT!

All other suggestions are well meaning I know but dogs, mentoring and so on - well they just don't replace a family of your own, do they? I'm not wallowing but yes I do sometimes feel sad.

OP posts:
MrsPixieMoo · 22/07/2014 22:14

OP of course YANBU to feel sad. A lot of posters have offered alternative suggestions and it can be hard when you dismiss them outright. Probably because you've thought long and hard about them and didn't come on here for solutions. I'm sorry you feel sad this evening and that you find an answer that works for you.

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 22:22

Hard for the posters? Right Hmm

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 22/07/2014 22:39

You do know about child tax credits don't you? You can get up to 70% of nursery fees paid as long as you work over 16 hours per week.

The thing is, if you wait for the perfect time to have a child you never will, there's never enough money.

Can I ask how old you are OP?

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 22:51

Gast - look, I don't know how many times I can keep saying this, but I'll try :) I don't want to have a baby on my own using artificial insemination.

Yes, I know about tax credits, and I also know I wouldn't be entitled to them! I earn too much - only just over the limit admittedly but still over the limit. I wouldn't even be entitled to CB. So that after nursery fees and mortgage payments I would be left with £400 a month - about 100 a week, for car tax, car mot and car insurance (can't work without it!) council tax, home insurance, electricity, gas, phone, internet and so on.

That is before any consideration to food, clothing, shoes and the hundred and one other basic - really basic - needs.

It just doesn't add up.

Besides, there's a massive emotional cost here. It might be different if I had a mum and dad who would be devoted Nana and Granddad but I don't - they have passed away, I don't have siblings and so it would be me and baby, with no support.

It isn't doable financially and it isn't doable emotionally - but it doesn't mean I'm not sad about it!

OP posts:
chickydoo · 22/07/2014 23:00

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you?
A very dear friend, single, full time job, met a guy on Match,com
She was 42 when she met him, 43 when they moved in together, 44 had a baby.
She is happy, settled & loving life.
Maybe it's not too late for you.

Original poster
nobabynobotherbut · 22/07/2014 23:01

Maybe not :) I don't have any much luck meeting people, though!

OP posts:
Toottootoffwego · 22/07/2014 23:03

OP what exactly are you waiting for?