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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 12:05

Probably because they're worried you're raising selfish and possibly helpless people, who will one day end up married to a skivvy?

I wouldn't want to raise either a useless person or a skivvy but that's just me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 12:06

Well I think it depends on what you actually do I suppose....is it stuff they could quite easily do, do they treat you like a doormat etc etc. Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind and you won't actually do them any favours in later life if you pander to their every whim.

My SIL's 15 year old used to shout down the stairs "Mum, Light my fag for me" and she did........and take it up to her......and she didn't even smoke........I won't go into details about how her kid turned out.

bebanjo · 11/02/2014 12:06

They are your children, do as you see fit. Just be aware that one day they may want to get married and have a family, not many partners are going to want to do everything for them. How would you feel if they cannot find someone willing to look after them in the same way and therefor never have proper adult relationships?

WilsonFrickett · 11/02/2014 12:07

Because they don't want their children marrying handless grownups that don't know how to make their own tea? Maybe?

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 12:09

And if you truly don't mind and think others shouldn't either, then why the name change?

At least have the courage to stand by your convictions

cory · 11/02/2014 12:09

to me it's a question of:

would they know what to do if one day you are not available?

would they step up and do it if one day you are not available?

would they expect another person to fill your place if one day you are not available?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 12:10

Are you raising children who can do all these things for themselves? Or are you raising children who will one day be released into the wild Grin without the first clue how to do anything for themselves? Is that really in their best interests? If you feel that having you do everything is in their best long term interests, that's up to you, but many people feel that it ultimately holds young adults back and gives them a bloody huge shock when they first leave home!

It might be something you enjoy doing, might make you feel good, but is it the best thing for them to grow up thinking mum is there to do everything (if sons later translate that to wife and if daughters later translate that to do that for husband and children...)

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 11/02/2014 12:10

It's up to you. My mum did everthing for me but I grew up to be prefectly self sufficient. They will learn to do things for themsleves when they need to so don't worry about it.

squeakytoy · 11/02/2014 12:10

Maybe you come across as a bit if a martyr to your friends. Why are you not ensuring that your teenagers are going to be capable independent adults?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 12:11

betty - no WAY?! Shock

did the kid at least wipe her own arse?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 12:13

ISeeYou - I kid you not!! I did actually say to her one day that I couldn't believe she was lighting their fags and making them toast at the drop of the hat and she replied that I was just as bad because I too made my DS toast......he was 2 at the time :)

I think her SIL may still be wiping her 27 year old arse to be honest.......she does everything else for her !

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:14

well you do not specify what it is that you do that makes your friends irate?
also you do not say how old your teens are.
personally i see it as part of my job to lie on the kitchen sofa barking orders to my teens so that when I am gone they can cook a range of dishes and will not be confused about a washing machine.
my stepmother nonetheless sees it as part of her job to smoulder lightly at all times and gather, wash and iron all her children's clothes, even the ones that are in their thirties and behaving like overgrown toddlers (no they do not have relationships since you ask). Essentially SM needs to be needed and so she has raised a family of useless lumps.
Each to their own innit?

PhoebeMcPeePee · 11/02/2014 12:17

I do think a key role in parenting is preparing DC to leave home as self-sufficient & decent human beings. Nothing wrong with a non-working parent being the one to cook dinner, do the bulk of the housework etc whilst DC/partner are out all day but I do think eating said meal & then just buggering off upstairs or out leaving carnage for someone else to clear up is plain rude & needs nipping in the bud before they think it's OK to act like later in life.

IMO the basics from as young as 6/7 are: put dirty washing in the basket, make beds, keep own rooms tidy & clear up after themselves generally, help clean up after a meal someone has cooked for them. As teenagers I would also except them to be able to do other chores around the house or cook the odd family meal but as long as you're genuinely happy doing it & they're not just lazy ungrateful sods I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:18

My mum did everything for me too so that's maybe why?

They wouldn't starve if I wasn't here they could fend for themselves and they don't push the boat with me!

I just laugh at my friends but they are going on a bit now it's pissing me off!

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:21

well then tell your friends to mind their own business!!
as long as they could fend for themselves if you were eg ill, then fine!

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:22

In the morning I run their shower, put toothpaste on their toothbrushes, have towels ready,make breakfast and packed lunches,do their washing but like I say not their ironing,clean their rooms,get their football kits ready,wash their football boots,

I do it because I want to not because I have too

Ones 18 the other 15 both good kids

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 12:24

Well to be fair, running their shower (do you actually wash them) and putting toothpaste on their tooth brushes does sound a bit extreme but if it works for you...........

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 12:24

Fending for themselves and knowing how to shop for and cook healthy meals are two different things to be fair.

They're your kids to raise as you see fit

But I liken this sort of thing to not allowing your kids to read and write

Why wouldn't you want to teach them such important life skills?

Not least to teach them it's wrong to sit back and let someone skivvy for you.

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 12:24

I believe that my main job as a parent is to raise my DC so that, by the time they are adult, they are fully functioning, capable and decent members of society who no longer need me. If I die when my DC are 18, I would expect them to suffer emotionally but not be left floundering in practical terms.

If you don't have that aim, you may as well be caring for domesticated animals IMO.

TalisaMaegyr · 11/02/2014 12:25

You're just being kind, I get that. But you are making a rod for someone else's back, can you not see? You put toothpaste on their toothbrushes??? That's mad.

BirdintheWings · 11/02/2014 12:25

How do you run their shower? Aren't they in it at the time?

A wind up, methinks!

TurnOffTheTv · 11/02/2014 12:26

Toothpaste on their toothbrushes?? Why?

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 12:26

Apparently, the main reason for dropping out of university is not inability to do the academic work, but inability to fend for oneself.

When DC leave home, it should be a fun, joyous spreading of the wings and enjoyment of independence. It shouldn't be an experience fraught with worry because they have no clue how to budget, cook, do the washing or manage a household.

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 12:27

X posted.

An obvious windup.

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 12:27

Good kids my arse

One's a lazy adult who clearly feels no guilt at being waited on hand and foot.

The other one's exactly the same but in the making.

You put toothpaste in their brushes?

Yeah 0/10 for taking it too far too soon in the thread...