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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:

Stellarpunk · 11/02/2014 12:52

Yeah it SHOULD bother you skivvywoman because you will still be wiping arses when you're an elderly woman.

LisaMed is bang on. Terrible for whatever poor woman comes after you. IF he can get one...

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:53

Isee I totally understand where everyone is coming from!

It's honestly just a habit I've gotten into, that yip I agree looking at it,it needs to be broken!

They are both very appreciative, ds1 will buy me flowers or chocs every now and again to say thanks, they both never ask me to do stuff for them!

OP posts:

Procrastreation · 11/02/2014 12:54

Sorry - that is a bit barking.

The test is - would they cringe if they brought a girlfriend home and you did XXX?

Making a nice Sunday Roast - No.
Getting involved in their morning washing routine - Yes.

Xmasbaby11 · 11/02/2014 12:56

That's just very odd. Toothpaste on brushes? Why - how much time does that actually save? Just seems like you want to control them. As for running a shower before they get in, that's very wasteful and again how does it save them time?

I think you are struggling to see them as young adults. Try to let go.

Stellarpunk · 11/02/2014 12:56

Good for you. Then just stop. Today. Get a hobby and go and LIVE. There is a big ol' world out there.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/02/2014 12:57

they both never ask me to do stuff for them!

Well they don't have to do they......mommy's on hand to do everything before they even realise it needs doing!!!

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:58

yeh cariadmawr my brother was like your 20 year old , being ferried everywhere by his parents, well now he had not done a driving test, and refuses to get on the bus so he is about 33 and my 78 year old dad has to drive him to work. or he will not go. what an idiot. and he has the cheek to criticise my parenting! when he has not ever left home, got himself to work, or paid a bill, or indeed washed his own clothes.
you do not need to raise losers, even if you are a 'control freak'

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:58

*has not done a driving test

Starballbunny · 11/02/2014 13:00

My DM did everything for Me and my DSIS, my DFs were amazed when I happily moved straight into self catering accommodation at university.

"But S you can't cook"

Well actually I can, I may not have done much, but my DM and DDad had given me something far more important than detailed lessons, they gave me the confidence to know I could learn whatever skills I would need to survive in life.

cory · 11/02/2014 13:00

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 11-Feb-14 12:51:12
"It's not about you. That's the problem. It's doesn't bother you. It's ok with you. you really quite like it. It's easier/quicker for you.

Remove yourself from it. Sweep yourself and your preferences away. Just put 'you' in a little box over --> there for a second.

Is it the best thing for them? Is it the best thing for any person nearing an independent age to have never been taught or had to do the many things that are required in order to function well as an adult?"

This.

They are adults or near-adults, they have the right to a number of things in life which are nothing to do with you:

they have a right to the ability to cope independently so that they are free to move away from home

they have the right to the confidence that comes with thinking of yourself as a capable person

they have the right to the kind of behaviour and manners that will make them popular with their peers

they have the right to the kind of behaviour and expectations that will enable them to establish a good relationship with a discerning potential partner

These are things that you owed them, just as when they were little you owed them to teach them the kind of manners that would mean they were invited for more than one playdate.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 13:00

Ok then, here's a sad story. My MIL did absolutely everything for my BIL, bfast in bed, just everything even though he was quite capable. He was very shy and didn't have friends (never had a girl friend as he was too introverted) and she loved it....loved the fact that it was just them two and did nothing to encourage him to be independent.

Sadly she developed Alzheimers and died on 2011....he hanged himself 18 months after at the age of 42.......I blame her in every way!

Seriously, give your boys some independence and get yourself a hobby.

Spaulding · 11/02/2014 13:01

In the morning I run their shower, put toothpaste on their toothbrushes, have towels ready,make breakfast and packed lunches,do their washing but like I say not their ironing,clean their rooms,get their football kits ready,wash their football boots

WHAT?!

They are 18 and 15! You do it because you "want to do it" but why? Do you want them to think it's a woman's role to do all but wipe their arse for them? Do you want them to be incapable of the most basic tasks? Sounds like you don't want to cut the apron strings.

My mum did almost everything for me and my brother. Washed and ironed our clothes, made our beds, cooked us dinner. When I was about 18, I started getting annoyed about it because I wanted to be independant. I started buying food to cook for myself but my mum would have a big moan about me using the kitchen. I moved out at 19 and learned to use a washing machine for the first time. When I came back home a year later, she wanted to do everything for me again. Even when I was 21 she would moan if I went out because I would be missing the dinner she was going to cook despite the fact I was not expecting dinner. I moved out 9 months after moving back in and many years later I love cooking and doing everything for myself. My brother is in his 30s, still living at home, has never touched the washing machine or even the microwave in his life. My mum does absolutely everything for him.

CocktailQueen · 11/02/2014 13:02

Oh, Betty, that is sad. :(

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:02

I suppose the test will come if you can bring yourself to stop doing all this for them.

Only then will you know if you have raised two boys who actually believe that they should be waited on. Their response to you handing over to them will tell you whether you raised two boys who are grateful or two boys who think its your job.

It will be interesting.

If you decide to do it, I'd love an update.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/02/2014 13:07

Do you want them to think it's a woman's role to do all but wipe their arse for them?

She hasn't denied doing this yet....

She has avoided the question on numerous occasions - I think we have our answer

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:10

I honestly do believe they could do if they had too!
I work I go out with friends etc it's not like my life is centred round them and I go out my way to do it!

Isee I will set myself a challenge as from Monday I won't do anything bar washing and cooking and I'll let you know if they are still alive

OP posts:

BirdintheWings · 11/02/2014 13:10

I'll admit, actually, that I do most of that for my nearly-18-year-old. But he is disabled, and the fact that I can't expect him to remember and sort out his own meals, clothing, washing and timetable is a huge worry to me.

My 11-year-old had a brief strop yesterday at being expected to make her own packed lunch 'when he doesn't'. I asked her whether any of her friends had their lunches made by Mummy, and if not, why she expected to be different. Hoping now she doesn't come home and say 'You know what? Everyone else gets their mum to do it! You just hate me!'

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:13

Sorry if I missed that part writer no I don't expect any woman to put up with that or do what I do, I don't do half of that for DH!!

And I know they would not expect partners to do that either!

OP posts:

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:13

Betty that's so sad

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 13:13

I won't do anything bar washing and cooking and I'll let you know if they are still alive
personally i think you should get them to do their own washing, and to cook at least once a week for the family. What bothers me is that they will just grow up thinking that a womans job is to be a skivvy - your nick says it all! would you have raised daughters like this? honestly?

Pigeonhouse · 11/02/2014 13:14

Please stop doing it, and see what ensues.

Can you really not understand why other people think the 'habit' you seem to think is a benign personal is damaging and selfish? One of your sons is already an adult, the other not far off, and they will be functioning out in the world with other people, having relationships, having jobs, possibly having children, acting as a citizens of the world - your children are not just your private children, they're people you should be giving the life skills to function by themselves, and so they don't end up as a needless burden on someone else (probably female) that they expect to look after them in the way you've taught them to expect.

I get particularly outraged about this because I'm an academic who deals a lot with first year undergraduates. Every year I have them weeping and shaking in my office because they aren't coping with independent life, aren't able to get themselves up on time in the morning, deal with the inevitable compromises and negotiations of living with other students, budget, launder and cook for themselves, organise their timetables and manage their workloads etc etc. They don't think of themselves as adults and are shocked and outraged that the university does think of them that way.

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:15

I have a little girl too and yes I do everything for her but she's only small,

Why would they do their own washing when I'm doing the rest of ours??

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 13:15

and how do you know that they would not expect partners to do this? why wouldnt they?
God my ex would sit back with a beer while his sister carried a new carpet for his flat up the hill on her back while pushing a buggy. That is how they were raised....

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 13:17

Why would they do their own washing
because they should?

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:18

In a non cheeky way

What do you do for your teens??

OP posts:

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