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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:36

oh yes. Have I not mentioned that?

They'll suffer more if you carry on babying them. I think you know that now.

How has today been for you? I know this morning was stressful but how was it apart from that?

TeamWill · 12/02/2014 20:36

Its very controlling and not fair on your DC .
They need to make their own mistakes and life choices OP.

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:39

It got better once I'd had a coffee

I'll get there Isee might take 6 weeks or 6 months but they will be house trained they might not be able to make a bed but I'll get them making a mean pasta

OP posts:

MrsOakenshield · 12/02/2014 20:45

well, if they've been having a tough time then of course it's natural to overcompensate, but I think that you must now step back. And yes, I do thinking it's controlling to be entering the rooms of an adult and remake their bed. The 15 year old you could just about get away with, but if he's sharing a room with his brother then I think you have to leave it. The fact that they don't know you're in their remaking their beds almost makes it worse - are they completely unknowing of the fact that their mother goes into their room in their absence?

I think a conversation on the lines of 'as DS1 is 18 I have decided that it wouldn't be right for me to interfere in your room anymore; however, I would like to make it clear that I would appreciate you keeping it in some kind of order, and can you please ensure that no food or drink is left in there to moulder and attract vermin' wouldn't go amiss.

I totally appreciate that this is going to be hard for you - you have had your hands very firmly on the reins for rather too long now - but it needs to be done.

Have to spoken to DH about all this - what's his view?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:48

So how's AIBU been for you?

Are you sat at your pc like this?

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:50

Yeah DH for years has told me to stop doing it for them! He thinks I'm mad for doing it too but probably let's me get on so I don't moan at him for the room being a mess

OP posts:

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:53

Isee a few of you have been really helpful and made me see sense

Others who mentioned bad parenting damaging my kids..... That's what I looked like

OP posts:

ladyquinoa · 12/02/2014 21:11

Baby steps. You'll find out what works and a better balance with time. Realising you need to make changes is the first step of many.

ladyquinoa · 12/02/2014 21:12

My mum parented like you. I wouldn't call it damaging, just not enabling.

TamerB · 12/02/2014 22:56

It is keeping the child dependent.

Morloth · 13/02/2014 00:02

It sounds like it is more about you being needed than anything else.

My 10 year old would think I had lost my fucking mind if I put the shower on for him and did his toothpaste.

The 4 year old can sort out a pile of clothes for washing and even does his own toothpaste (with supervision).

Parenting is one of those jobs where you have done a good job when you are obsolete.

If DH and I vanished tomorrow, it would be a long time before the kids needed any help. They can both get sandwiches, the big one knows how to use the washing machine, etc.

If they had money I am sure they could do a decent shop etc.

TamerB · 13/02/2014 07:46

It is giving roots and giving wings. If you do it well they come back because they want to. Doing everything for them is clipping those wings so they can never stray far!

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 13/02/2014 08:53

Good morning school clothes and packed lunches sorted last night gave him a shout this morning he got up had his shower got ready made his own breakfast put his own toothpaste on and away to school by 8.05

I was chatting with them last night and I mentioned them making their beds and we have compromised that they just shake their duvets and fold them back to air and I can live with that!

OP posts:

MrsOakenshield · 13/02/2014 09:17

brilliant! Keep us posted!

Albaalba · 13/02/2014 09:19

skivvy you might want to try this during the 18 yr old's post-A-level break: Get him to plan, shop for and cook healthy meals for the whole family for certain days every week. In this way he will learn to budget for good healthy food, and learn to cook it. You can give advice but not help. My parents did this for the long post-GCSE and post-Alevel breaks and we were very good at cooking by the time we left for uni.

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 13/02/2014 09:22

Alba he works so doesn't get any holidays, I'm going to get them to help when I'm making soup or even a slow cooker meal the night before (and I can bung in the fridge till morning)

OP posts:

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 13/02/2014 09:34

hey well done

so far so good, eh?

How's your husband? Surprised you managed it? Has he taken back the 'pmsl'?

mumeeee · 13/02/2014 10:46

Well done Skivvy. You and your sons will get there.

ipswichwitch · 13/02/2014 10:57

Well done, especially on the compromise over the beds (that's also teaching them negotiation skills :) )
It's all about letting go - which is hard if you're a control freak but you are making the right moves. Just remember there may be a few hiccups along the way and it is early days.
Stick to the plan, get them involved (particularly with decision making) and you'll all get there

DIYapprentice · 13/02/2014 13:28

Oh Skivvy, I'm so proud of you!!!!

You really have come so far in a short amount of time.

I do disagree slightly with others re the 18 year old. If you feel certain standards need to be maintained in a house, then you have the right to insist that they maintain that standard in their room. (Doesn't include going in and fixing it for him, mind! )

Your future DIL's are gonna love you!!!!

cerealqueen · 13/02/2014 13:46

I think you have a responsibility to raise children who have basic life skills. Your children should also understand the value of independence and want to learn new life skills. You are mollycoddling them to the extent that they are probably not as well equipped as their peers, I imagine. They may never leave home, but I guess you know that and deep down, that is your aim. What are you afraid of?

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 13/02/2014 15:04

Cerealqueen I don't wanting them living here when they are 30, you have misunderstood that, ds1 has already moved out when he was 16 I couldn't stop him yes I was upset but only to where he was moving too and the living conditions!!

Both boys are aiming to work offshore and I would never ever try and stop them I would be so proud!

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 13/02/2014 16:03

Oh Skivvy check you with a duvet folded over bed! Good work (and see, nothing happened, did it?)

Original poster

Skivvywoman · 13/02/2014 16:05

Yip Wilson I can cope with that

OP posts:

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 16/02/2014 11:40

How's it going?

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