Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
LisaMed · 11/02/2014 12:39

So your eldest has got to the age where he is allowed to vote, marry, drive and join the army and he can't make a meal?

What happens when you are gone on no woman will touch him with a bargepole?

CocktailQueen · 11/02/2014 12:39

My mother in law used to do all this I run their shower, put toothpaste on their toothbrushes, have towels ready,make breakfast and packed lunches,do their washing for my BIL - he never left home. He stayed there till he died last year aged 60. His mother aged 88 was still doing all the cooking and washing and running his bath.

So be warned.

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:40

he managed even if he did live off pizza and pot noodles and they occasional microwave meal
sorry but you have really not done him any favours! he is an ADULT and cannot feed himself properly? What is going to happen when you die?

Stellarpunk · 11/02/2014 12:41

ha ha ha ha Grin

Toothpaste on brushes? whatever next.

Say OP, do you wipe their areses for them as well?

Stellarpunk · 11/02/2014 12:41

"My mother in law used to do all this I run their shower, put toothpaste on their toothbrushes, have towels ready,make breakfast and packed lunches,do their washing for my BIL - he never left home. He stayed there till he died last year aged 60. His mother aged 88 was still doing all the cooking and washing and running his bath.

So be warned."

This.

KellyElly · 11/02/2014 12:42

My four year old puts her own toothpaste on the toothbrush Shock

Starsandsun · 11/02/2014 12:42

OMG, Reading through this thread, I really thought it was a windup! Are they having relationships,and are gf/bf aware of this? Mine would be so embarrassed...

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:43

Isee they can both cook to a certain degree, they know how to shop, and ds1 pays digs and is paying a holiday so he knows how to budget,

They could do everything I do for them but I choose to do it

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 11/02/2014 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 11/02/2014 12:46

no they cannot cook, you just said that your adult son can only manage pot noodles and pizzas - sorry but that is not 'cooking' to any degree!
I fear my ex MIL may have been like you, that is why she is EX!

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 11/02/2014 12:46

A parents job is to raise children to be confident ,capable and independant adults who can make their own way in the world. Do you feel you have done this?

Manchesterhistorygirl · 11/02/2014 12:46

My aunt did this with her kids and they have turned out to be;

One is bloody useless and has never had a job or left home. They are in their 30's.

The other has a job and has left home, but is such a. Sanctimonious fecker as to be unbelievable. This is because no one was ever allowed to criticise the behaviour caused by the lack of boundaries or discipline offers by the parent.

I speak to none of them now because I dared to voice my opinion on the behaviour of the second childs adult behaviour which had direct consequences for the well being of my family.. I was cut off and I'm quite happy to be in that position. I would not like that model or example around my children. Who incidentally are capable of putting toothpaste on their brushes, ages 8 and 3.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 11/02/2014 12:46

That really isn't cooking, my 11 year old can cook better than that.

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 12:47

I think some people equate servitude with kindness and see it as an expression of love. I suppose it's not that different to people who use food in similar ways, buying their DC treats to say "well done" or "there there" even if their DC are overweight.

It comes from a good place, but it's not healthy IMO.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/02/2014 12:47

I think you need to look inwards skivvy and work out why you feel the need to infantalise your grown up children. It's all a bit weird to me that a parent would want to do this.....it's like you don't want them to grow up?? Are you worried about them being independent and not needing you??? Do you have an inner wish to be needed??

Do you have a DH/DP - what does he make of it all???

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:47

Travel I think it's just habit and just so used to doing it! It actually doesn't bother me at all

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 12:48

And that's up to you.

But you can understand why people are saying you aren't doing them any favours, can't you? Even if you don't agree with it, you can understand where people are coming from? Or can't you?

Are your teenagers grateful for all that you do? Do they thank you regularly? Do they understand that in no way is it a woman's obligation to do all this? Do you ensure that they will not expect it from a partner in the future? Do you teach them the importance of pulling their weight? Are you talking about children and responsibilities and doing your fair share?

Are you thinking about the messages your constant attendance may unconsciously be burrowing away in them or that one day it may manifest itself in their romantic relationships?

None of us want to let go of our kids. There's always that bit of you that is going MY baby MY baby MY BABY!!! and thinking how nice it is for US to have and look after out babies but that's selfish and short sighted and ultimately deeply dysfunctional and we have to not let that rule us.

LisaMed · 11/02/2014 12:49

The thing is, you are teaching young men that they have to do nothing in the home. Not a thing. The female in the house is the one who does everything.

Any woman daft enough to get hooked up with your young men are really going to suffer from your attitude.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:49

Yeah writer DH thinks I'm mad too Wink

OP posts:
Callani · 11/02/2014 12:50

I think it's pretty odd tbh and also the thought of running a shower for someone BEFORE they get up makes me mad at the thought of the wasted water (although I am fully aware that I'm somewhat uptight about letting water run...)

Personally I'd be embarrassed if my DM put toothpaste on my toothbrush, and I'm not surprised your friends are ripping you for it if they know!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 12:51

It's not about you. That's the problem. It's doesn't bother you. It's ok with you. you really quite like it. It's easier/quicker for you.

Remove yourself from it. Sweep yourself and your preferences away. Just put 'you' in a little box over --> there for a second.

Is it the best thing for them? Is it the best thing for any person nearing an independent age to have never been taught or had to do the many things that are required in order to function well as an adult?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 12:51

Sounds like you actually need to get some hobbies.....for you.

How are you going to cope in a few years when they have flown the nest?

cariadmawr · 11/02/2014 12:51

Ds1 is 20 works full time I get up do breakfast and cuppa do both boys packed lunches and.oldest flask take him to work then do 8 yr old ready for school I do all cooking washing etc out of choice .

My.kids can do things for themselves but to be.honest Im a control freak I enjoy looking after my family simple as that

SlimJiminy · 11/02/2014 12:51

It's weird. Just way, WAY too much. Always pissed me off living with people at uni whose mums had done everything for them - total slobs who expected their housemates to step in and do the same. And definitely never EVER boyfriend material. I just find it really, really weird.

WilsonFrickett · 11/02/2014 12:52

It may not bother you, but you can bet your bottom dollar it will bother their future partners!

And it really isn't about you - it's about them. Do you think this is giving them a true idea about real life? Don't you think you might be giving them unrealistic patterns of life, which they'll then seek to recreate in their own homes, which will then be doomed to failure?

Or, if I to put the same thing another way, for god's sake woman, cut the apron strings, you are doing your adults who live with you no favours.