AIBU to do so much for my kids?

[Skivvywoman]

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

It's gone not to bad their room is a bloody tip!! But I've told them if it's not tidy Monday night I'm going in on Tuesday to clean it!
But yesterday ds2 put all my shopping away,hoovered,polished and wiped kitchen down without me asking

I'll get them whipped into shape if it kills me

Only read the first page but wanted to warn you. My grand mother did this for my aunt completely fucked her up, and made her a pretty hopeless adult. Gm then 'helped' bring up my cousin ( def not cousin) a more fucked up individual you could not find.

He us nearly 30 lives with ( and generally abuses) my dgm . I rang her the other day and just chatting said my dc's we're helping to change their beds ( dc's 8, 6 and 4) she was shocked that I would even ask. At nearly 30 his new gf washes his clothes ( in between gf's she expects his mother to!)

Please give them some responsibility and indepence before it is too late ( dgm did the toothpaste thing when daunt was in her 20's)

Bugger should have read the rest of the thread sorry skivvy hope it's going well

Well done!

However I'm not sure telling them that if they dont do something, you will do it for them is as much of a threat as you think it is

I know but the room I can't cope with a mess today after work I'll dump the duster polish and Hoover in the room if it's not done ds2 is off school this week he can help me

You are teaching them some worrying lessons, even in your attempt to "try to let them do it". This may not be how you mean it, but this is how it comes across from their point of view:

1. No-one can be as good as mum at housework, so we don't bother trying. Even if we do try, it will not be good enough. Mum will be all exasperated in a martyrish way for a while, we'll ride that out, and in the end she will do it do for us.

1. Mum does all this because she loves us - because I am me. This is the one that is more dangerous - it ties in with doing chores as a way of getting people to like you, and of other people doing it to show they love you, and the expectation this is normal in a relationship.

Is it all a control thing for you - you're a bit addicted to doing it all because it brings you comfort.

Sorry, I think you need to think some more and talk with your family gradual change with the reasons for it, rather than try to suddenly stop it all like a big 50s-housewife-joke and give up when that doesn't work because they just "can't do it as well as mum". It's not that funny.

If they keep their room tidy and make the beds that's good enough for me but I can't stand mess and I doubt that will ever change, I've reasoned with them about the beds which they have been doing, but this weekend they have let the room go to pot and it annoys me!

be proud of how far you've come. Nobody can reasonably expect you to go from someone who controlled everything to someone who lets everything take care of itself in one week.

Instead of stepping in and doing it, you need consequences for them for THEM not doing it.

As in the real world.

In the real world, if they don't fulfil their obligations, nobody is going to come along and fulfil them for them. No, they will suffer in some way. If they don't go to work, nobody will step in and work for them and pass them the wage. If they don't clean their loo, nobody will hammer down their door and scrub it. If they don't pay their council tax, nobody is going to leap in and pay it for them.

No. They will suffer the consequences of not doing those things that it will be their responsibility to do.

So. Do you show them that if they don't do something it doesn't matter because it will get done anyway by someone else

or

Do you show them that if they don't do something, there will be a consequence for them that is unpleasant.

So do you tidy or do you remove?

Do you link any money you give them to tasks you expect them to do?

Don't forget that they have been waited on hand and foot for their entire lives. This is all new to them too and no doubt they expect that you will not sustain it and they just go along with it for a bit or not, no matter, because you will just go back to the habits that they have always known.

But you are doing so well already. It's just stuff for you to consider.

When you think that what we are suggesting to you is effectively a massive change of everything - it's HUGE!

You are doing very well Skivvy. However I do think you should try and leave their room to them. It's normal for teenagers to have untidy rooms. Are you able to just close the door and ignore it, Yes remind them to clean and tidy but don't go in there yourself even to put clean clothes or the hoover in there,

I give ds2 money every week to go to the football and I provide everything for him, ds1 I don't give him any money whatsoever,

I know I should just shut the door and leave it but I get all agitated knowing its a tip and in need of a clean, I wish I could just forget about it but I can't,
We don't live in the biggest of houses so I pass their door at every move!

Instead of tidying it I'm going to gather what's lying about and put in a pile for them to put away!

That's a good idea.

Yes I've done that before with DD3. Be prepared for it just to stay in the pile though.

As long as it's a neat pile I'm not going to move it

Ds2 has tidied the room and made the beds

I've hurt my arm and it's really sore to straighten or stretch I've pulled the Hoover out it's sitting in the hall but he keeps walking past it! Think I'll put a note on it saying "fucking use me"