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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:34

Worra what I meant is they aren't lazy and lie in bed all day cause I won't drive them to work/school

OP posts:
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 11/02/2014 13:35

Why not for them?

Everyone has explained why not for them - because what would be valuable to them is to learn and practise the skills needed to run a household. You aren't doing all these chores for them, you are doing them because you want to. You need to think about what is actually best for them and most useful to them in the future.

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 13:35

Yes you are their servant and they're happy to allow this because they know nothing else.

The toothpaste is just ridiculous for any NT child over the age of 4

Everything else I'm doing it anyway so why not for them?

Because by doing it for them, you're going to create useless, lazy people.

As a PP said, it's not about switching a washing machine on...it's about helping out with the relentless, mundane every day tasks that form part of life.

So did a bit of cleaning when you went on holiday

They should be helping out in the house every day

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 11/02/2014 13:35

Skivy - why not for them? Because your job as a parent is to create adults who are confident in routine care and are capable at daily chores as a amatter of course.

Also it creates an unfair demand on a partner when they move out.

It does them no favours at all and can be damaging in my experience.

I suspect if several of your friends have mentioned it they have a point.

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 11/02/2014 13:36

Ah ive posted the same as everyone else has!

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 13:37

Worra what I meant is they aren't lazy and lie in bed all day cause I won't drive them to work/school

Of course not because that would bring consequences for them

One would get the sack and the other would have the welfare officer on his back.

Seriously, your admiration is skewed.

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 13:37

I know someone with grown-up DC (youngest is 21). They are all very capable individuals, establishing good careers of their own, and are also very likeable and kind.

However, they still require regular cash handouts from their parents, still rely on their parents to organise their car MOT/insurance/tax, still require their parents to sort out living arrangements if notice is served on tenancy, etc, still require their parents to organise Dr's appointments, still require mum or dad to deal with anything unpleasant out of their field of experience.

All well and good I suppose as long as their parents are around to do it, but what happens when they're not? Will they get caught driving a car without insurance and losing their licence/getting a criminal record? Will they find themselves homeless? Will they find themselves with debt collectors on the doorstep?

they may be capable of doing everything their parents do for them, but unless they see it as their own responsibility and have the mindset of remembering that it must be done, chances are that they'll have slip up before it becomes a priority in their minds.

One of the grown-up DCs now has a summons to court for ignoring a speeding fine. She left home, mum and dad changed her address, she got caught for speeding, got sent a letter and ignored it because she has never had to experience unpleasant consequences for not doing something. Had she learned this lesson earlier with consequences that didn't carry quite as much significance, maybe this could all have been avoided.

Do you want that for your DC OP?

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:38

Isee I totally understand where every single one of you are coming from!
I've also said if I wasn't here I'm positive they would cope

I just choose to do it but like I say as from Monday I'm going to bite the bullet or sit on my hands and not do anything except washing and cook for them Wink

Christ knows what state my house will be in Grin

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:38

Buy gin.

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:40

And a blindfold

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:40

and maybe a cattle prod.

irregularegular · 11/02/2014 13:41

I never cooked or did laundry at home and I seem to have turned out all right. I think my mum was a bit too much of a perfectionist, so it was less stressful for her to do it herself. I don't think it necessarily matters that much and I bet it's pretty common actually. I did do some cleaning on Saturday mornings.

The toothpaste thing is funny though!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 13:41

Skivy - I have to say, you are taking this in good faith :)

Yes, bite the bullet, I bet they will surprise you. Failing that, yes lots of gin!

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 13:41

Yes buy lots of wine! Wine

I think it's only fair to warn them though, rather than springing it on them.

Just tell them they need to help out in the house if they're happy to live in it.

Good luck

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:43

Dahlen I don't provide any money whatsoever for ds1 he earns his own money and deals with his own finances and is quite the saver,
Ds2 I provide for him as he's only 15 but when he leaves education he will stand on his own two feet regarding finances too

OP posts:
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:45

Worra they have 5 days to get used to it I'll tell them tonight!

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:45

My mum was the same. oh my GOD! the flashbacks Grin didn't want you to do anything and yet moaned constantly that she had to do everything. refused to ask for help and moaned constantly that we didn't help. Refused to tell us what to do as we "ought to know" but criticised everything we did and told us to STOP! DON'T BOTHER! because we didn't do it her way and she'd only have to do it again.

And although I too have turned out alright now, it didn't come easy. I didn't go from doing bugger all to being a domestic goddess. (Oh yeah. I said it. Grin ) it was ruddy difficult and it took time to learn all the skills I had a right to have been taught as I was growing up. It would have been far easier to make the transition had I been appropriately prepared for it.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:46

She is, isn't she Betty? Very good natured. Much deserving of Wine and Cake

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:46

Isee you just described my mum there!!

Oh Jesus I'm turning into my mother!!!!

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 13:47

It happens to us all.

Better than turning into your dad

PlumpPartridge · 11/02/2014 13:50

Good on you, op, for taking a minor drubbing well.

One other good thing about making your boys do some stuff is that your daughter will see that it isn't just Mummy who does these things and that the boys are capable human beings too. You don't want to raise a daughter who thinks the men in her life are helpless, after all.....

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 13:57

Yep, I find myself becoming more like my mum every day....still, she was a fab person so it could be worse and yes, thank god I am not turning into my dad, haha :)

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 13:58

She wouldn't see that anyway plump cause I don't do it for DH Wink

I've just text DH saying as from Monday xx and xx are going to be doing stuff for themselves for a week to see how it goes

He replied "pmsl"
Glad to know he has faith!!!

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 14:00

HAHA!

I like him already.

We all turn into our mothers. It is as inevitable as Katie Price's annual marriage.

That moment in life when the realisation that you and your mother are now identical human beings hits you is possibly the most depressing one ever. Grin

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2014 14:00

Skivvy I'm sure it will be difficult because it's habit but try and stick with it.

My DS is 11 and I make myself make him do stuff....like if he says he wants a drink it would be much easier for me to make it but I will tell him to do it himself (I do have to get him a cup down though as he can't reach the cupboards). Same with stuff like toast, breakfast etc etc- he can do that himself so I just tell him to get on with it.

I can't wait to teach him to iron his uniform....won't be long :)

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