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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

Sorry for essay, didn't want to dripfeed Blush

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 03/02/2014 11:45

I'm assuming it's his child too?

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 03/02/2014 11:45

I just never, ever understand threads like this.

Of course he should 'help you out' while you are on maternity!

It is his baby and you are enabling him to work otherwise he/you would have to pay for childcare!

You are a couple and soon-to-be a family and he's quibbling over this?

Sorry, I am old and cyncial but this does not bode well for the longevity of your relationship.

Jess03 · 03/02/2014 11:46

If you have the money in the joint account and you already overpaid, why did you need to ask him? He's being unreasonable and I don't see why you need to ask?

KeinBock · 03/02/2014 11:47

Shocking

Chippednailvarnish · 03/02/2014 11:51

Why the hell did you have a child with him?

What about being a partnership and being a family?

cathpip · 03/02/2014 11:51

Because you have a family now. This annoys me greatly, your income has been significantly reduced while on mat leave, and until You can return to work your partner should be contributing a hell of a lot more....

NatashaBee · 03/02/2014 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clarksonforPM · 03/02/2014 11:53

from chaps point of view.... I think he is being a bit a twat to be honest - my wife is on mat leave now, and will shortly be heading towards only getting SMP. We spoke about this during the pregnancy, so we saved a bit more than normal, and then I will reign in my own spending/saving so she can have the full year off work.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 11:53

Bloody ridiculous.

Bill him for his half of the childcare and housekeeping services you are providing.

ffs. He's in a ruddy relationship and has a child with you. He can't act like he's your pigging flatmate.

People like this piss me right off.

DragonMamma · 03/02/2014 11:55

Do people actual live like this? I can't imagine having to ask my DH for anything, especially shopping.

YANBU to expect him to support you but YABU for allowing a system like this to continue after starting mat leave.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 11:55

Another one who had a child with the equivalent of a stingy flatmate. At least, you can get rid of a tight flatmate easily enough.

You shouldn't have to ask him for anything.

Famzilla · 03/02/2014 11:57

Eh?

You're a family! Bill him for all the childcare you do if that's the way he wants to do things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2014 11:58

In a family all finances should be in one pot!

fay144 · 03/02/2014 11:58

Well, I'd be tempted to immediately remove the money that you overpaid from the joint account and put it in a personal account. Then I'd want to calculate the length of time you've been paying £20 more than him per month and present him with a bill for that.

It wouldn't help, but it would make me feel less rage-y. Maybe.

More practically, I don't know how you can make him see what a dick he is being. It should really be obvious to him.

I had a similar arrangement to you prior to TTC, but once we decided to start a family, we jointed up our money to make these situations easier. It did take a good bit of talking through to make sure we were both happy (both still have some personal spending cash). But it's so much easier to work these things out before you get pregnant - if he is completely unreasonable then it will be harder now.

Hopefully, this is just a reaction to general money worries that he has now the baby is here, and when he thinks it through then he will realise how unfair he is being? Sounds like you need to communicate better about what your expectations are (maybe he thought your extra cash was earmarked for something else, since it was in the joint account?).

GlitzAndGiggles · 03/02/2014 12:03

I'm guessing he's happy for your child to go hungry then? Tell him to sort it out ffs!

Mitchell2 · 03/02/2014 12:04

I just never, ever understand threads like this.

This ^

YANBU at all.

I just really don't understand how people are comfortable living like this. I get the wanting to have money each for their own play money but if one isn't working, especially because they are on maternity leave, I just really don't get how these situations can occur.

I have absolutely no idea how you can appeal as it seems that this arrangement has been in place for a while and he thinks its perfectly acceptable. But this is how we do it - not everyone will agree with our approach but it works for us, and I can safely say that my DH and I have never ever had any arguments about money and who pays for what.

My DH and I both put in all of our salaries into a pot (which technically is a mixture of accounts in my and his names due to interest rates and historical accounts). We both get exactly the same amount of 'play' money to spend each month, with all things such as food, mortgage, bills or joint spending coming from the joint points.

For the record - I am the breadwinner by a significant amount in my relationship so it works in all cases and should be dictated by the person who earns more.

If either of us wants to buy something extra or ££ it comes out of joint savings. Basically if the spend is under £250 there isn't much of a quibble but if its more then there will be a discussion but I don't know of a case where its been a flat out no - we may just need to BOTH cut down a bit for a month or two so one of us can get that special purchase they want.

I'm going on Maternity leave in 4 months and while I am off it will work exactly the same way even though I will be putting much less than him into the pot. The amount of spending money we BOTH get will reduce for the period of time that I am not at work, but all the bills etc will come from the joint pot even though technically he will be now contributing more.

Just because I am not earning money doesn't mean that I am not working - FFS, therefore we see no reason for my DH to have more money available to him than I do.

MojitoMadness · 03/02/2014 12:05

I honestly don't get this? Who are these men who think they don't have to pay for their children and wives? So he pays £200 in maintenance for his other son yet expects you to foot the bill for the child you have together? Where is the logic? Confused

Mitchell2 · 03/02/2014 12:05

I meant - shouldnt be dictated by - it is a partnership and both should be treated fairly!

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 12:05

I don't understand at all why your DP seems to think he literally has no financial responsibility for his child other than going strictly half on all expenses. In fact you pay £20 more even though he earns more.

What happens when it comes to paying for childcare if you go back to work. Who pays that - is it going to be you out of your income and he pays nothing? Fair enough you both have the same to spend on personal things like clothes and hobbies after all other expenses but really you have to ask what happens if he starts to earn more than you? Does he just get to keep all of the extra?

It sounds like he wants you to live like friends sharing a house for the rest of your lives. Fine when you were both effectively childless singles sharing a house and forming a relationship but not now. You are a family unit now.

I'm going to be absolutely blunt here.

What 'DP' is doing is making sure that if it ever comes to you splitting up he can hand over a record of everything he has ever contributed to the household as evidence to make sure you can't claim more than the bare minimum maintenance. He for this reason is always going to be extremely unwilling to increase his contribution. I am sure a lot of men are doing this now. Refusing to marry and keeping strict tabs on what they contribute as a way of minimising maintenance in case of a split.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 12:07

do people really live like this ? Confused

MoominMammasHandbag · 03/02/2014 12:09

Hmmm I wonder why his first relationship broke down?

Fairylea · 03/02/2014 12:09

Absolutely awful!

Joint account, everything in, everything out, whatever is left split between you equally to spend. That's how me and dh do it (I used to earn twice as much as him, he now works and I dont, always done it like this).

You are a family. Any money is family money.

TravellingToad · 03/02/2014 12:09

How much do you charge him for childcare?

yellowbuttercup · 03/02/2014 12:11

I never understand these threads either. You are a team. Why do you have separate finances? Everything should be pooled. What's yours is mine.