To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

[BraveLilBear]

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

I'm glad you feel a bit more positive. One thing I think you need to get straight in your head and get through to DP is that once you move in together you should cease to be separate financially but become a unit. That is especially true once you have a child together. You are a family unit with joint responsibility for all household and child related expenses. How you manage this is down to you but you both have to accept that this is the case.

Good luck brave. Don't lose sight of your goals now. X

Well done for moving forward! And yes I am of the opinion that he has been a total pig, BUT, doesn't mean the relationship is doomed (I hope!). Obviously you fell in love with him. Not all men just automatically grow up, they need to be dragged up by their unfortunate wives/girlfriends etc. It's not ideal but of course you are committed to try with him now for the sake of your son. What really is unacceptable is if you actually lay down the law, tell him what you will and won't accept, and then he deliberately goes against it and therefore deliberately puts the relationship in jeopardy.

For a basic guide - and we are fairly happy/not at all rich. All of our money stays in separate accounts but I manage the finances and DH just keeps an eye on them. I'll say to him something like, I need money for council tax or I'll say don't worry about gas I've paid it. There is no such thing as a frivolous personal purchase in my house, there just isn't. If my husband wants something like a really nice new coat, he asks if we can afford it or if a big purchase is coming up soon. I have never refused him buying anything but then he would never have the cheek to suggest a PS4!! Really wishing you the best!

I had similar issues with dp when I had our first child, although I didn't have to ask for cash for shopping etc. I just used the joint account, but I was irritated that I had no personal cash left over as dp expected me to contribute same proportion of my income even when on much less than him. When we had our second child I was much clearer with him that I wouldn't be doing this and readjusted my standing order accordingly. He grumbled a it but upped his. I would also recommend starting your own savings now. You need to have your own safety net as your dp sounds about of an arse. Mine is too at times and I am now rebuilding my savings.

This has been a bit of a revelation.Funded most of my own unpaid maternity.Took an extra 5 months unpaid.Had saved up so I could pay half the mortgage and half of all bills.A few weeks left to go and I had to ask dp for 100 a week to cover grocery shopping.Before that he did not contribute as he reckoned he was spending an equal amount when he was home at the weekend.I wanted to go on unpaid for a few extra months as we have two young dcs.He would have preferred me to return to work.I insisted as it would be something I would always regret otherwise and the agreement was that I would have to use my savings to cover it.

What are you thinking now sharon ?

Sharon OMG! Were they just your children? Do you split childcare costs equally now?

I will never understand how anyone this selfish, immature and mean is ever attractive enough to snag, much less procreate with. It's like shagging and carrying the child of a disgusting flatmate. Using your savings for his child. You'd be better off a lone parent without sipuch a Scrooge breathing down your neck.

I completely agree with expat.

At the same time there seem to be a lot of women on here with very low expectations of the Father of their dc.

It's not a partnership, it's a student-y flatmate set up with him getting his cock serviced as a bonus.

expat - that's what I have been thinking. It seems to me a lot of young men are sort of just never going beyond the 'living with a girlfriend' part of a relationship.

She pays her way and you pay yours and if she has a baby well that's up to her. Its almost like they have never made any transition in the way they look at life since age 18.

To be fair to the women stuck with these selfish, childish twats, sometimes they seem normal until pg or after chilbirth, and then you think they'll return to reasonableness soon......

I think a lot of this attitude is a backlash towards feminism. Kind of 'you women wanted to be equal - well bang you've got it - pay 50% of all bills regardless of your wage or whether you are on mat leave. Not my problem'. I've had many conversations with men in early 30s who truly believe this. It is said with bitter spitefulness too. As if now you wont do all the housework they are punishing you. These are also the kind of twats who refuse to stand for a pregnant woman because 'they wanted things equal' oh just fuck off.

If you are in a partnership, sexual politics should be irrelevant. Point scoring and sneaking more money out of the deal is just bizarre. How can you love your wife and children so completely, but you'd see them go without, or unhappy or miserable? That's not love.

Mrs koala I completely agree with you.

I think the whole point of feminism has been missed by a whole section of society.

well give it a go now if he is making promising signs - remember this has been brewing in your mind for a bit now - you've thought about it, considered arguments and felt angry enough about it to tell him how you felt - he has been maintaining a status quo without giving it much thought - and his life has been going along the same just with a new dc - with time for thought, a calm conversation and a conviction to change you might be in a better place going forward - your relationship changed when you had your dc but it took him longer to cotton on - maybe you can get back on the same page now it just took a little shake up.

Agree with koala about men in early 30s.Also many people my dms generation think I'm very lucky to have this option and not have to go back to work after six weeks .I am so happy to have been able to take the time but he definitely sees it as a holiday and feels resentful that he did'nt have the option.

'I am so happy to have been able to take the time but he definitely sees it as a holiday and feels resentful that he did'nt have the option.'

He could have taken leave of absence. But it's easier to persecute you. That's not love.

That is so depressing, MrsKoala . I would hope, in the spirit of Darwinism, that such unpromising breeding material would be left 'on the shelf'; sadly there seem to be enough women who either have such low self-esteem or are deluded into thinking that they can 'change him' that these genes make it to another generation .

Yep you're right.Lucky that I am financially independent though eh?

You see it was always 50 50 before so I never thought to question it.

I find it very sad that the only contribution to a household that is recognised is a purely financial contribution. Even these fuckwit males who see life that way - if everything is a transaction, then shouldn't they be paying their partner for services rendered? E.g. the same rate as a childminder would charge, a cook, a cleaner? Oh I forgot, because their partners are skivvys not deserving of fair 'pay' for their labours .

'You see it was always 50 50 before so I never thought to question it.'

That's what flatmates at uni do, not partners. Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

Had it out with him tonight.Needless to say its my fault and I should have brought it up long ago and why I am getting so angry about it.He never questioned what I did with the child benefit before?

These threads always shock me, I can't advocate our way enough. We have a joint account all money goes in and out of that, anything either of us needs comes out of that.
No percentages,no proportions, no sharing out whats left after bills. Just family money

^This really but for different reasons.

When we were getting married DH wanted all of our finances seperate just like his parents have. I was horrifed because 1. his parents cannot stand the sight of each other so emulating their situation was never something DH aspired to in any other aspect and 2. my parents jsut did as per the above. Anyway I talked DH around and lucky him I am not by far the bigger earner but it was not always that way so it is swings and roundabouts.

'Needless to say its my fault and I should have brought it up long ago and why I am getting so angry about it.He never questioned what I did with the child benefit before?'

Did he think it was going on jollies? What a knob.