To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

[BraveLilBear]

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

You will never be able to change him. He does not see you as an equal partner, he sees himself as number one. Always will. LTB before you lose your mind.

I had the stubborn 'I can fix you/love you better/show you the right way' frame of mind. It nearly killed me, literally.

Now I take people as I find them, if I don't like it I keep moving, life's too short to waste it on a man who is nothing more than a wank stain on the hanky that is man kind.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
I don't necessarily subscribe to the share everything philosophy (I like some privacy/control) - we have our own accounts and a joint account. When we were both working we both paid into the joint account which was used for joint expenses - we paid in according to our earnings so not evenly. Post DS, DP isn't working so he doesn't pay anything into the joint account- moreover i transfer an amount to his own account on a monthly basis so he has his own money. Its a bit different but it works for us- no-one goes without, either of us can fritter.

DP and I go against the mumsnet grain. We have separate accounts. He pays for stuff. I pay for stuff. No 'joint pot'.

Maybe, wips, but does your dp have hundreds of ££s spare each month whilst you go without in order to buy groceries?

Re: the vitamins, you thought it was kind. More likely he doesn't want you getting sick and crying off looking after his child for free. What a peach!

I don't think it's the "mumsnet" grain, it's the more usual way. I know two people in RL who live like this and one had to "borro" money for petrol to get to work and take DC to school from her partner, and the other had to "lend" her DP half the cost of a broken window.

It just doesn' seem to show forward looking commitment.

Morebeta, do men really do this! this thread has left me incandescent with rage and I have only read the first page.

The thing that annoys me, is I am so bloody minded about being independent I would want to contrib half and have zero spends.

BUT DP would never consider it. Thank god.

Good luck OP, sounds like you may need it. Remember you are doing this for your DS as well as you.

Good luck OP, I must say- his attitude is disgusting, and the way he's making you feel like he's doing you a favor by buying you some vitamins while he rubs your face in the fact he has more money than he knows what to do with is simply unbelievable!

Use your stubborn streak to sort this out, either by putting your foot down or by leaving but really? Unless he realises WHY it is wrong then there's not much point.

When i read things like this i just wonder how these people even have a baby because cant imagine the sex. How a person so selfish and so mean has sex and relatioships?

I wouldnt even try to reason tbh. I couldnt bother to even look at him.
I dont think you can give him personality transplant.

I'm on mat leave (down to unpaid leave). DH pays for everything - I know what his salary is and I just give him an amount I need to cover outgoings and he transfers it. He keeps a little bit for day to day 'spends' anything leftover I wish we had money left over goes in to savings. He never questions what I spend.

If either of us want to buy small things to treat ourselves / each other we just do it. Bigger purchases we'd discuss.

Fwiw he's currently paying off 'my' debt (since I have no income!) and back when I worked and he was unemployed I paid 'his' debt.

I hope your discussion goes well and you find a fairer system.

Fitzgerald - I think unfortunately some men are calculatedly reacting to the fact that it is much harder to avoid paying maintenance now and divorce settlements are increasingly generous to women.

Taking precautions by not getting married, not revealing your real income, hiding assets, refusing to have a child with a women while keeping her dangling, keeping a strict 50:50 contribution ratio to household expenses are all ways of minimising the potential financial cost.

I see a lot of threads on MN that have some or all of these elements in them.

What an utter wanker. Of course he should help you out.

There are lots of reasons why I love my DH, but threads like this make me love him even more.

Maternity leave was "ours" to finance - not mine because I was at home, but ours because it was a joint family decision. Money comes in, money goes out, what's left is left. In fact, when I was on maternity leave I got slightly more of it due to the continual changing shape meaning that whilst DH could get away with the clothes that he had, I needed things like a new pair of jeans and seemingly endless bras!

That's just the way it is. Hope you manage to have a sensible chat with dp.

Bear I wish you a lot of strength. What would happen if you were not going back to work, would he not want you to give you money to buy food ? Are his needs bigger and more valid than yours? No of course they are not.

I can not believe couples live like this

We have 1 bank account and all wages go into that and all bills come out
Extras come from that too

Make sure you transfer your contributions from the joint account into your own account before kicking him out or you may never see it again
Tell all of this to your parents and watch their faces, I bet they don't think buying vitamins is kind

This is awful.

That all I have to say. Everyone else has said all that's needed.

Just awful.

Make him read this thread.

Dh and I have separate bank accounts and one joint for savings. I'd never have a joint account for joint wages. However, we both have the same amount of spending money, I earn a lot more and funded maternity leave through my wages. Savings are technically mine as I'm the only one that pays into them; we both consider them ours. Although money in nominally separate, it is fair. We also have the same amount if free time.

What you describe doesn't feel fair to me.

I can't imagine the sort of marriage where the couple seem so separate. It's like watching a soap where you think they don't know each other.

During our wedding we actually said
With my body I honour you,
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you,
And we go with this. Separate accounts is fine, I have my own but the situation the op is in is horrible.

Op can you imagine this man washing you down and helping you toilet if you were ever in an accident? Can you imagine him supporting you if you lost your job? Can you imagine him paying for everything if you had to give up work because your child needed 24 hr care?

I have been married over 20 years, and for most of that time I have earnt about 1/5 of what my husband does. All our money goes into a joint account. We discuss big purchases, say over £200 or so, and I keep track of the finances week to week, but we both have complete freedom to spend from the joint account as needed for essentials or smaller luxuries or for what the children need. DH's main hobby costs quite a bit, but given he earns most of the money I don't begrudge him it (much ;)) Other than that, we spend about equally and he has never ever made me feel bad about spending money on anything I have wanted to, or pressurised me into earning more money, since we have enough. Once a year we sit down together and work out our main priorities and expenses for the forthcoming year, as an equal team. I feel so sorry for people in your situation, not just the victim of a mean man but feeling it's somehow your fault. It shouldn't be like this. It's like there are thousands of people out there who've been short changed in their expectations of what a partnership should be. It's so sad.

Yes, what Jayne said!

Oh lord he sounds like a treat ! He really shouldn't be stressing out you out about money while you're on mat leave. He really has no idea

We've never had a joint account in 24 years. He pays for stuff , I pay for stuff, everything gets paid. No joint pot. I don't know how much he earns and he doesn't know how much I earn. I used my own money when I was on maternity leave.

Jesus H Christ.

Not married, not sure what DP earns (approx x4 what I do plus assets beyond my knowledge that I don't really want to know about) we pay 55/45 on bills/rent/Council Tax/babysitters (me). He buys the groceries most of the time (70/30 him).

Baby stuff split 60/40 (me). Childcare 70/30 (me), 2 are not his children.

He has endless disposable income, I spend mine on the kids and occasional meal with friends and the like. I have debts that I am servicing but not actively reducing.

He pays for the fun stuff. Holidays, meals, hotels, nights away, trains, odd tank of petrol, diesel etc. I get the occasional meal.

Am worried now. I think a lot of his friends have been caught financially post marriage and he is wary.

But my gut instinct says this is groundless worry. As in (and if you know me in RL please don't talk about this) he gave me a credit card for the grocery shopping/emergencies/baby purchases and bills for which I never see the bill; and a bunch of blank cheques for sorting rent etc. from an account for which I never see a statement (nor would I ask).

I very carefully work out 50 per cent and pay it to myself. He paid a little more over Christmas (well more specifically I spent a little more of his money over Christmas for entertaining family).

He has never raised with me the amount I am spending (if he did I could quite quickly account for the fact that I am contributing more, even with 4 times less income) but then 2 of the children aren't his and their dad pays nothing/very little.

In fact he once thought his card had been cloned, I asked why and he said he had around £2000 worth of transactions and they had initially thought they were me! In fact I had spent (with his blessing) less than a quarter of that. He didn't bring it up for 4 months and only mentioned it in passing, as although he thought it was a bit steep, it was my birthday. (madness, as if I would EVER spend that amount of money on myself)

He knows I have some debts, he is unaware of the extent and would freak out I think.

He isn't mean, but panics sometimes. Locally, he is regarded as being well off. Comfortable but not rich. I, the single mum of 2 when we met regarded as gold digger extraordinaire. We moved to a much bigger place, I still pay the same rent, he pays half. The woman in the newsagents implied I had landed on my feet .

TO counterbalance this attitude from the onlookers (he doesn't share this view) I work 40 hours+ a week. But because I largely work from home, I am sure everyone thinks he is bank rolling me and I have trapped him with a baby .

Monster post. Good luck OP, he sounds like a dick. I was trying to work out how our situations were different and I was panicking. Then I realised my contribution is my choice and if I wanted more, he'd help out no questions asked. If I want to stay at home with the baby, I think he'd support me. There's the difference.

I'm on mat leave, & I'm now not even getting smp, & my dh pays for everything (bills, rent, food, my horse) without any complaint. He still buys me little treats aswell.